The Head and the Heart
by HannahScho
Summary: I like Carson Shepherd on WCtH, this story is about him. During WCtH season 6 he's with Faith Carter, but for some reason those two feel more like brother & sister to me than lovers. So, I came up with this story, with a mysterious new character, Sara Kaminsky, coming to town. There is mention of other WCtH characters, but mostly it's Sara & Carson & other newbies.
1. The journey

Faith Carter was on the last leg of her journey from Hamilton to Hope Valley. The train ride from Hamilton to Union City had been a long one, her mind had been churning almost the whole time (except for when she had dropped off for a nap). Now on the stagecoach for the last leg of her journey her mind was churning harder than ever. The closer she came to Hope Valley, the more on edge she felt.

She glanced at the woman sitting opposite her. As they were the only two passengers in this coach, they had started off the journey by introducing themselves. The woman looked to be in her early 30s, she introduced herself as Sara Kaminsky. Faith had been the chattier of the two, telling her travel companion that she was returning to Hope Valley after visiting her ailing father in Hamilton who seemed better now. She told Miss Kaminsky she had been living in Hope Valley for a little while now, that she was the town nurse, the assistant to the doctor there.

"Oh, there is a doctor in Hope Valley? I thought the town may have been too small to have its own doctor… and nurse for that matter."

"Yes, we have our own doctor. He came to Hope Valley by chance and stayed. One of the very best doctors I've ever worked with."

"Oh, that's nice," Miss Kaminsky had said, seeming a little distracted by her thoughts.

"You don't like doctors?" Faith asked.

Miss Kaminsky gave a little surprised laugh. "Oh no, it's not that. Never mind. It's wonderful to have a good doctor in such a remote place."

"Yes, it is," Faith concurred. "So, what brings you to Hope Valley?" she asked. "You speak English very well but going by your accent, it sounds like you have come a long way to be in such a small town. Where are you from?"

"I was born in Ukraine and came to America with my brother and his family 8 years ago. I have always wanted to go West and now I have saved some money to do so."

"Do you want to buy some land to farm?"

"No, not really," Miss Kaminsky said.

"So, what do you want to do?"

"I can do… several things, it depends on what opportunity comes my way."

"If you tell me what you can do, maybe I can help."

"Mid… I can cook quite well, and I have worked in shops. I love books, have worked in a bookshop, although I don't know if Hope Valley has that."

"We only have a general store, but there is a newly opened library. And a saloon and restaurant that sometimes needs people."

"I hope to be of use somehow."

"Why Hope Valley?"

"I looked on the map and loved the name."

"You came for the name?"

Miss Kaminsky smiled, "In a way."

Faith studied Miss Kaminsky a little longer. She had her thick light-auburn hair in a braid and her green eyes looked, while beautiful, a little watery and dull. Come to think of it, Miss Kaminsky really looked pale.

"Are you feeling alright?" Faith asked, professional concern in her voice.

"I am alright, just a little tired." Miss Kaminsky had smiled and shorty after closed her eyes to try to get a little rest. As much as was possible in the jostle of the stagecoach, in any case.

Faith's mind travelled back from the conversation she had had with Miss Kaminsky and studied the sleeping woman in front of her. She wondered about her. Miss Kaminsky seemed friendly but there was an air of mystery about her. If she indeed came from Ukraine, she must have had quite a difficult life. Faith had heard about the poverty in Ukraine and Russia, the hardships people had to endure and the difficult journey to come to America and Canada. There were many immigrants from there. In Hamilton the Russians even had their own church, there were so many. Just before she had left Hamilton, she had joined a doctor while he made a house-call at a Russian family's home. Doctors…

Her mind travelled back to doctor Carson Shepherd whom she was going to see in Hope Valley. She was going back specifically to speak with him. Of course, she could speak to him on the telephone, but what needed to be discussed, needed to be discussed in person. She owed Carson that.

She and Carson had just begun exploring a relationship together, he was the one responsible for reuniting her with her father after they had been estranged for a long while. Because of this reconciliation, she had gone to visit her father in Hamilton, to take care of him when he fell ill. The time apart had given her time to re-evaluate what she wanted in life and her relationship with Carson. Speaking with her father again she found that he had become proud of her for following her own path and he was now finally ready to accept her dreams. He was even so proud that he wanted to support her dreams, sponsor her to try and get her accepted into medical school so she too could become a doctor. Some colleges accepted women, she just needed to find a way to get in and her father would support her any way he could.

Now that her old dream was coming within reach, what of her new dream to be with Carson? Yes, she did love him. But did she love Carson the man or Carson the doctor? And did she love him as a wife would a husband? Should she have to choose between Carson or herself becoming a doctor, which would she choose? She knew that Carson would support her endeavour, but would he even want to come back east with her for her to pursue her dream? And honestly, did she even want him to come east with her? Absence makes the heart grow fonder, they say, but while she had missed Carson to a certain extent, being apart from him had been far less painful that she had thought it would be. What did that say? So many confusing thoughts. She needed to see Carson to be sure, she needed to speak with him.

The stagecoach jostled so hard over a hurdle that both ladies bumped their heads and Miss Kaminsky woke up. She looked around startled, apologized for having been so rude to fall asleep, and looked paler than before, if that was possible. Did Faith detect small pearls of perspiration on her upper lip? The coach rounded a sharp corner as they drove into town. Hope Valley, they were here.


	2. The doctor

Dr Carson Shepherd checked his watch. The stagecoach was 20 minutes late when he first heard and then saw it come rushing down the main road and stopping. Faith would be in there, she had been gone for 3 months and he was looking forward to seeing her. Or was he? Well, yes, of course he was, but he also felt some trepidation. The time apart had cooled his ardour for her and had not made the heart grow fonder, he found. While he had missed her company, and also her help at the infirmary, he hadn't pined and yearned for her as he had expected he would do when he kissed her goodbye on the stagecoach 3 months ago. Yes, he was looking forward to seeing her again and talking to her again, but was he really still entertaining romantic thoughts for her? He felt he wasn't so sure anymore.

The moment the coach stopped, and Faith stepped out, he rushed to her and they embraced. At that moment he knew for sure: she felt more like a dear sister or a close old friend, rather than a romantic partner. He stepped back to look at her, did he see some trepidation and hesitation on her side too or was he just projecting his own feelings onto her? The trunks were being taken down from the coach when Faith's fellow passenger alighted. Faith turned to her so Carson did as well.

"Miss Kaminsky, may I introduce you to…" Faith started but at that moment the woman she had called Miss Kaminsky turned towards the coach, holding on to the door frame as if to steady herself. Carson briefly noted the beautiful colour of her thick braid down her back, it looked like auburn mixed with honey, but all admiration for the colour was soon forgotten when Faith rushed forward in alarm saying, "Are you alright?"

At that same moment Miss Kaminsky fainted to the ground. Elizabeth and Rosemary who had come to greet Faith as well gasped and Carson and Faith jumped forward to examine the woman who had now in an instant become their patient. Carson checked her pulse, while Faith checked her breathing.

"The breathing is shallow," Faith remarked.

"And the pulse is a bit thready," Carson added, then with the help of Faith he picked the woman up.

Rosemary called out after them, "I'll take charge of the trunks!" as he carried the unconscious woman to the infirmary down the street.

Once laid down on the bed, Faith unbuttoned the top of Miss Kaminsky's dress while Carson found his stethoscope. He felt her head.

"She's burning up," he said. "Did you know anything was wrong with her during the journey?"

"She coughed a bit, she looked pale and very tired. She slept a lot, but I don't know if it was just from travelling or because of something else."

Carson nodded and put his stethoscope against the woman's chest so that he could listen. He hadn't bothered trying to warm the stethoscope as she was unconscious anyhow but the coolness of the metal on her chest must have shocked her back to her senses.

"Get off me!" the woman suddenly croaked as loudly as she could, trying to lift herself up and boxing her fist against him in such a way that it squarely hit his chin. She was then caught in a coughing fit.

Carson staggered back for a moment and Faith, at the other side of the bed, immediately stepped forward to calm the woman down. She laid her hand on the woman's shoulder to gently push her down into the bed again. The coughing stopped, and the woman turned to look at her as Faith spoke.

"It's alright! This is just the doctor I told you about! You fainted when you got off the coach and he carried you here to the infirmary. We're trying to figure out what's wrong,"

"Faith has talked to this woman about me?" Carson wondered for a split second, before he focussed on his patient again.

Faith's words seemed to have calmed her down, as she slowly took her gaze away from Faith and turned to look back at her doctor, who was rubbing his aching chin.

"I'm sorry, doctor" she half whispered.

Carson smiled at her. "It's always good to see that a woman can defend herself."

She attempted a half smile in response, but that never reached her green eyes.

"May I listen to your chest?" Carson now asked, now that his patient was awake.

Miss Kaminsky nodded.

He listened to her heartbeat which seemed a bit stronger and asked her to breathe in deeply which caused another coughing fit.

He asked Faith to take her temperature which also turned out to be high. He examined her throat and pronounced that it looked like she had pneumonia.

"I can't be ill," she said in response, sitting up and buttoning up. "I didn't come here to be ill…" she muttered more to herself than to anyone else.

"And yet, you are. You need bed rest and something for the fever and the cough. It will only get worse if you walk around with it. Where are you staying in town, who are you visiting?"

"I'm not visiting anyone, I am on my own," she said softly, then added, "Is there an inn I can stay at?"

"We have a saloon with a hotel, but the noise there won't help with your recovery," Carson replied.

"It will be alright," she said, buttoning up and standing up. "Thank you, doctor," she added and started walking to the door.

Carson chuckled, "Where do you think you're going?"

"To the saloon."

He touched her arm for a moment to stop her movement, which had its effect as she looked at him questioningly.

"You have just fainted, ma'am. I think you need to take it easy and sit down, wait till we get your medicine ready and figure out where better for you to stay."

"She can stay with me," Faith offered.

"Oh no, please, I don't want to be a burden. I can take care of myself, I have done so for many years."

"I don't doubt that you have but everyone needs to be taken care of once in a while and I think this may be your turn."

"Please, no, it is not necessary for you to do that," Miss Kaminsky started but the agitated talking just caused another coughing fit.

"I think you are getting worse and are in no position to object," Faith said kindly.

In the end Miss Kaminsky acquiesced and with medication in hand and Rosemary ready to redirect the trunks, Carson and Faith accompanied Miss Kaminsky to Faith's small house.

Miss Kaminsky was adamant that no one unpack her trunk but she herself, so she was left alone to undress and put her sleeping gown on by herself before she finally allowed herself to sink into bed.

Carson and Faith then made sure she was settled alright and she soon fell into a restless sleep.

"You need to monitor her well, Faith. It looks like this will get worse before it gets better. If her temperature gets too high and won't go down, we may have to get some ice to cool her."

"I will look after her," Faith smiled.

"It's nice to have you back," Carson smiled in return. "I'm sorry we haven't been able to have a more private reunion."

"I think we need to talk about that, Carson. About what the next step is for you and me, about what our futures may hold…"

"I think you are right," he agreed.

"Dinner, tonight?" Faith asked.

"Well, you will hardly be in the mood to cook after such a long journey and you have a patient on your hands. How about I bring some dinner over later and then I'll stay here for a while to watch over the patient while you get some rest?"

"You'll spend the night here?" she asked.

"In a way, I suppose. I'll keep the curtains in the living room open so that anyone can see me," Carson smiled.

Faith smiled back. This man was special.


	3. The awakening

Sara didn't know how long she'd been out. She felt like she had been far away, she felt restless, she had dreamt a lot and many of those dreams hadn't been pleasant. Images of Gabriel mixed with images of Kiev in the fall of 1905, images of being aboard ship on a stormy day and feeling sick, images of Samuel and Rachel and the children in that cramped apartment on the Lower East Side, images of her father and of her sick mother who had died when she was young. Images of complicated births and that one stillborn baby, images of being humiliated for who she was, images of that one attack at night in the streets of Brooklyn when she was on her way back to her little one-bedroom apartment. Thank G-d she had been spared the worst of fates then, but it still had been unpleasant. It felt like all the dark images and dreams were strung together endlessly and she couldn't get out until, finally, a gentle woman's voice through a fog of evil seemed to reach her.

"Sara? Dr Shepherd is here to see you," the voice said. Who was Dr Shepherd, she wondered?

The voice then seemed to address someone else.

"I think she is doing a little better now."

"Has she been conscious yet?" a male voice asked.

"Not really, but the fever finally broke this morning and she has been sleeping more calmly and has been breathing better."

"Calmly?" Sarah thought. She didn't feel calm.

"That is good to hear," the male voice said.

"Sara, can you hear me?" the female voice asked.

Sara struggled to open her eyes but didn't seem to be able to, so she nodded. She felt someone take her arm and feel her pulse.

"Miss Kaminsky?" the male voice gently said. She frowned, who were these people?

"Maybe call her Sara," the female voice said, "It seems like she's been responding to that better than Miss Kaminsky."

She now felt a hand touch her head. "Sara?" the male voice asked. "How are you feeling today, Sara?"

Such gentleness in the man's voice! There had only ever been one man before who had spoken to her with such gentleness and such concern.

"Gabriel," she smiled and through sheer force of will was finally able to open her eyes. What she saw, however, was not Gabriel. It was a man with piercing blue eyes in a gentle and symmetrical face looking back at her, with a hint of a smile playing around his lips.

"I'm so sorry I'm not Gabriel," he said gently. "But I am very relieved to see you come back to us, Sara… May I call you Sara?"

Sara's smile faded but she nodded, still staring at this man who really was not Gabriel. Gabriel had had dark brown soulful eyes, not aquamarine ones.

"I don't know if you remember me from when you were in my infirmary, but I am Dr Carson Shepherd," he continued.

Yes, slowly it was all coming back to her.

"Yes, yes, I do remember you," Sara said.

"That's good to hear," Carson smiled.

He had a smile that seemed to light up his whole face and made the skin next to his eyes crinkle and Sara could not help but stare at it in wonder. She then closed her eyes for a moment, despite the friendliness of this man she was still a little shaken that he wasn't Gabriel, and she took a deep breath which resulted in a coughing fit.

"That's good, clear the airways a bit," the doctor smiled.

"Shall I help you to sit up?" the pretty blonde woman asked. And Sara remembered her as well, the friendly nurse who had been on the stagecoach with her.

"Yes, thank you," Sara smiled. "Your name is Faith… I can't recall what else."

"It's good you recall at all," Faith smiled helping her to sit up. "Faith Carter is my name."

"Carter and Carson, sounds like a good team name," Sara attempted a little levity. Faith and Carson exchanged a brief smile before focussing back on their patient.

"It's good to see you sitting up again." Faith smiled.

"How long have I been sleeping?" Sara asked.

"About a day and a half," Carson said.

Sara's eyebrows shot up in surprise and he nodded in response, assuring her in that way that it really was true.

"I don't feel very rested," she said a little darkly.

Carson repressed a little smile while Faith answered, "Well, you have been battling pneumonia, so that is quite taxing for your body."

"I'm so sorry to have been such a burden."

"No burden," Faith smiled, "I was glad to help."

"The high fever may have broken, but you are not well yet and you still have a slightly elevated temperature, I suspect. You will need to allow yourself time to recover."

Sara nodded and, as if on cue, proceeded to cough.

"I'll get her some broth," Faith offered and left the room so that the doctor could examine her.

He took her temperature and looked into her throat, he listened to her heart and her lungs.

"It's all looking a little better, I'm glad to say," the doctor said.

"Thank you for your care," Sara said. "How much do I owe you?"

The doctor looked a little taken aback, "It's not something we need to discuss now."

"I have saved some money but not enough for prolonged doctor care. I hope to be able to afford more when I get work."

"Don't worry about it," the doctor said, laying his hand on her arm trying to reassure her. "I never charge more than anyone can give. The most important thing is that you get well."

Sara's eyes narrowed as she eyed him suspiciously. Why was he being so kind to her? She'd had enough experiences with doctors, especially gentile doctors, to know that they were rarely friendly with her unless they had a hidden agenda.

She nodded and gave a tight-lipped smile. "Thank you, doctor."

She saw him very briefly frown, no wonder curious about her distant behaviour, but the look quickly disappeared when Faith entered the room with the broth.

The doctor got up to leave.

"You have to take it slowly for a little while, Miss Kaminsky," he said. So, no more 'Sara', Sara noticed. Fair enough.

"Thank you again, doctor," she said.

He nodded, gave her a friendly smile and then left.

While sipping the broth it suddenly hit her. The doctor didn't know her background or what she had done for a living, so therefore he had no reason to be unfriendly to her. She would be kinder to him in the future, she resolved. And she would never ever tell him about her identity or specifics of her history. She had come to Hope Valley to escape the chains she felt that bound her. She had come for a new life, a new hope, and she wouldn't allow how she had been treated in the past because of who she was influence how new people saw her now. Here was her chance to present herself how she wanted to be presented. Hope Valley was her hope for a better future.


	4. The woman of mystery

Carson left his patient with Faith, wondering about her. Sara Kaminsky seemed a little, well, hostile towards him, he had noticed. Was it just that she wasn't feeling well or was it something about him that antagonized her? It couldn't be the illness, he concluded, as she seemed perfectly friendly and civil to Faith. It must be him. The doctor or the man, he then wondered? Faith had told him that during the journey they had shared Miss Kaminsky had told her she had come from Kiev. People didn't tend to leave their homes if they felt happy there, something must have driven her away from her home. Not only those events may have been difficult, the journey to America in itself must have been difficult as well. He had read about conditions aboard immigrant ships, he had spoken to doctors about it, he knew the challenges these immigrants must face while trying to make their living and a home in a strange country. Something in such a past was bound to make that person suspicious. What was it exactly about him that triggered her cautiousness? Did this Gabriel fellow have anything to do with it, the name she had mentioned while she was waking up? Or was this Gabriel not the cause of her discomfort but a cause of comfort to her? Her green eyes had been staring into his blue ones and she had looked a little confused and maybe a little lost. He wanted to take her sadness away with his smiles and bedside manner, but he didn't feel like he had succeeded. She was guarded with him, he had been taken aback by her payment question, he felt her hide behind a wall. Maybe Faith could do better with her, draw her out of her shell a bit.

Faith - she was the other woman who had been occupying his thoughts. That evening when Sara - Miss Kaminsky - had fallen ill they had settled her into bed and then had proceeded to talk long over dinner. They had both been eager to talk about the status of their relationship and had come to the conclusion that they indeed felt a great love for each other but more like a brother and sister would rather than as a couple. Faith spoke of her own dreams of becoming a doctor, Carson agreed that she would make a very good one and he was more than willing to support Faith's endeavour. He would write her recommendation letters to take back to Hamilton with her should she ever be in need of a good word, he would use any contacts he still had in the medical world to help her. Faith's father had finally come around to accepting Faith's dream and would help put her through medical school. Her dreams lay there, he had found his own dreams in Hope Valley. He loved the small town, the tight-knit community, the pioneering feeling of building something new out here in the West. He loved that here he had been given a second chance at life, to be a doctor again, here he could live his life on his own terms. He had run away from his mistakes and feelings of failure and his grief over losing his life, he had gone through the depths of despair and this place had helped him come out the other side. He couldn't leave Hope Valley, not even with Faith.

His thoughts turned back to Sara - Miss Kaminsky, he should say. He didn't feel like he was on a first name basis with her yet. Something drew him to her, there was a mystery about her, she was holding back, not unlike he had done when he had come into town. He hardly knew her, in fact the most he had seen of her had been while she had been feverishly sleeping, but it takes one to know one, he half smiled to himself. She was holding back, and he wondered if Hope Valley would work its magic on her as well and she would one day open up as he had. For now, she needed space and he was not one to crowd her.

He also had other issues to worry about. Faith would be packing up and leaving again in ten days and while he had been working alone for the past three months while she had been away, he had always thought that would be a temporary situation. Now he would have to find someone to help him at the infirmary. The town was slowly growing, he was treating more and more patients and nurses weren't exactly lining up to come to Hope Valley.


	5. The job search

As the week went on, Sara felt herself grow stronger and stronger. Dr Shepherd visited daily to gauge her progress, yet despite his open and friendly manner, Sara could not let her guard down with him. It was all her fault, she knew it, but she had this history with almost all the doctors she had known, and her distrust was born from that. Of course, this doctor didn't know what other doctors had known about her, so he had no reason to denigrate her. However, in the back of her mind Sara couldn't help thinking that if Dr Shepherd did know about her, he would be the same as almost all the other doctors she had come to know, especially in America. She didn't know yet whether Canadian doctors would be different from their American counterparts, but she suspected they would view her the same way if they knew about her. She wasn't about to tell anyone.

Five days after the fever had broken, Sara went out to explore the town.

"I need to find my own place to live and work," she had told Faith.

"Well, I will talk to the owner, but if you want, you can take over the rent for this little place."

Sara had enough saved to tide her over for two months of rent, but she didn't want to burn through all her savings, so a job it would have to be.

On his visit that morning Dr Shepherd had happened upon them as they had the work discussion.

"You say you worked in a bookstore?" he asked Sara.

"Among other things, yes."

"Then your administration skills should be quite good."

"Yes, they're fine."

"Well, with Faith leaving I cannot only use a nurse, I could at the very least use an assistant at the infirmary to take care of patient records, make appoints, do inventory, order supplies. Maybe you would like to try that job?"

"No!" Sara shot back, almost too quickly. She then tried her most gracious smile, "Thank you, Dr Shepherd. I don't think working at the infirmary is for me."

"I would keep you away from the blood and the gore," Dr Shepherd tried.

"It's not… I think I'd rather try something else first, but if I really can't find anything else, I'll get back to you."

"You know, you could do far worse than have Carson as an employer," Faith tried to persuade Sara.

"I don't mean to be ungrateful, I just want to seek some other opportunities first."

Faith directed her to the general store and the sawmill and Abigail's restaurant and the bank. Faith told her to steer clear of the saloon, there was a new saloon owner in town that no one seemed to trust.

At the post office later that day, while mailing a letter to her brother, Sara met Lucas Bouchard who turned out to be said saloon owner. She immediately felt the suspicion he seemed to arouse in the good people around him, which made her feel a connection to him. She knew what it was like to be seen as suspicious and an outsider when no one really knew you. She suspected Mr Bouchard was experiencing the same prejudice. To her he seemed a gentle and soft-spoken man. She had come to develop a second sense for detecting creeps and although Mr Bouchard seemed a little different and eccentric, he did not seem a creep. They spoke and he told her he had a job opening for managing the hotel at the saloon. She accompanied him to the saloon, she was shown around, and her duties were explained. She needed to oversee the cleaning of the rooms, she needed to prepare them for guests, she needed to accommodate guest requests, take reservations and oversee payments. Mr. Bouchard soon hired her, she was the only woman he could find for the job and he desperately wanted a woman for the woman's touch and a woman's sense of hospitality. If she so desired, she would be able to supplement her income as a waitress. Sara was up for the challenge and was hired for a two-week trial.

"Why take a job with me instead of the respectable Dr Shepherd?" Mr Bouchard asked her, once the deal was done.

"Is he respectable? I wouldn't know, I hardly know him."

"His position alone makes him respectable."

"For me, respect is earned not just given because of a position."

"Didn't he oversee your illness and help make you better?"

"That makes him a healer but not necessarily a respectable man. I'd need to get to know him better before I could make that judgement."

"What if I told you that he is certainly respectable, would you believe me?"

"I would believe that you thought so, I'd have to reserve judgement for myself until I knew him better."

Mr Bouchard smiled at that. "So, what you are saying is that a prince can be a scoundrel and a pauper respectable?"

"You are hardly a pauper by the looks of it, Mr. Bouchard."

He laughed, "Please call me Lucas."

She smiled in return, "I will."

"So, tell me, why a job here and not for the doctor?"

"Because you seem like an outsider and I have a sympathy for outsiders," she said.

"Because you are one yourself?" he asked.

"You tell me," she smiled.

He cocked his head in amusement. "I think you and I will get along just fine, Miss Kaminsky."

"Sara, please call me Sara," she smiled, "And I have a feeling we will indeed get along fine!"

"You still need to get a little stronger after your illness, I think," Lucas said. "Let's say that you can start in 3 days and take some more time to heal?"

"Thank you," Sara said. She knew she'd like Lucas.


	6. The distance between them

Faith left for Hamilton and she and Carson promised each other they would stay in touch through letters and an occasional phone call.

Hope Valley had been surprised at the separation of the couple, but they also saw the friendship that was still there, and the gossip had been more kind than evil in the end, Carson felt.

Their patient, Sara Kaminsky, was able to stay on in Faith's small house. She had healed surprisingly quickly from her pneumonia, although she still did retain a cough for a few weeks after she had woken up. Once she was up and about, she insisted she was fine and didn't need treatment anymore. He hated letting a patient go when he felt she may not have been well enough yet, but Miss Kaminsky was quite a determined woman and he could not force her to come in to the infirmary for appointments. She had taken a job with Lucas Bouchard at the hotel, for some unknown reason. She managed the hotel there and she managed it well. The rooms were well taken care of, he understood, and she welcomed guests with self-baked goods. Apparently, she was such a good baker that Rosemary Coulter suggested she open a cake and pastries bakery. Miss Kaminsky refused, however, saying she only liked baking on a small scale and all baking was reserved for hotel guests.

He took a drink in the saloon on occasion, just so he could surreptitiously check up on her health while watching her. He found that he enjoyed watching her. She had an easy manner about her when talking to the guests. When she spoke her eyes twinkled and her face lit up. He found that she would have made an excellent receptionist for his infirmary, she was able to make everyone feel immediately at ease. Everyone except for him, he noticed. She was polite to him but reserved and distant as well and the more he studied her, the more ill at ease with him she seemed to become. So, after two weeks of surreptitiously checking up on her, he decided to stop and give her the distance she obviously wanted from him. If she didn't like him, he wasn't one to force his attentions on her. When he saw her walking in the street, he'd offer a quick polite greeting and move on. She always wore her hair in one long thick braid down her back and when he walked behind her, he always felt the itch to touch her braid. To avoid temptation, he'd turn the other way or cross the street, with Miss Kaminsky hopefully never aware of his presence behind her.

He was not able to find a nurse to replace Faith, which was a shame. However, he was able to hire a young lady named Diana Stewart to work as his receptionist and do his administration. Diana was breathtakingly beautiful, some 15 years younger than he was, she had suitors all over town and soon rumours started flying about her and him becoming an item. While he did admire her beautiful blue eyes, her even features, her ready smile and her easy manner, for some reason he was never tempted by her in the romantic sense. At 24 she was at just the right age to marry and the young men in town knew it. He noticed because his percentage of young male patients increased as soon as she was hired. She was able to remain friendly and detached from them in an admirable way, but he did wish for her to have a beau, so as to take the attention off him.

He was surprised when one day as he came back to the infirmary, he found Sara Kaminsky there, the woman he had been avoiding and the woman who had no interest at all in interacting with him. She seemed to be just leaving as he came in, but he couldn't just let her walk out the door.

"Miss Kaminsky, what a pleasure!" he said. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

Good afternoon, Dr Shepherd. I just came to settle my debt, Diana has taken care of it all."

"Your debt?" he asked, confused.

"Yes, for my care when I had pneumonia," she said.

"There was no debt," he said softly.

"That is very kind of you, doctor, but I didn't feel the same way."

Would things ever not be awkward between them, he wondered?

"Thank you for all you did," she smiled graciously, "and have a good afternoon!" and she swept out again.

He and Diana both looked after her as she left, the brown and honey braid rapidly becoming more distant. He saw her meet up with Lucas Bouchard in the street. They seemed pleased to be in each other's company, two people who seemed to have become good friends and quite close with each other in such a short time. He abruptly turned away as the couple walked away. He knew they were not romantically involved, he suspected that Lucas was in actuality romantically interested in Elizabeth Thornton, but it irked him that she seemed to have a closeness with Lucas that she seemed to avoid with him.

"Hmm, what did you do to her, Carson?" Diana then asked.

"What do you mean what did I do to her?" he inquired with interest.

"We were having a perfectly pleasant chat, then you came in and she bolted. Did you argue over the bill? I had to make one, I didn't see one."

"Well, we had a difference of opinion on that, I suppose. She felt like she needed to pay, I felt it was unnecessary. She had only just arrived In Hope Valley, with little money, I thought. So, no charge."

"And that is why she doesn't like you? Seems an odd reason."

"I have no idea why she doesn't like me, but I am not here to win a popularity contest, Diana," he said, sounding a bit more annoyed than he intended to. "Now, could you check the inventory for me? I am off to Union City tomorrow to stock up on supplies again."


	7. The helper in need

The morning guests had checked out of the hotel, the rooms were all in order and Sara was taking a moment for herself, sipping tea outside the saloon.

That morning, while looking out one of the hotel windows, she had seen Dr Shepherd leave with a horse and wagon, heading for Union City for more supplies. She knew this because Lucas had also asked him to pick up a case of books for the new library that he had opened in Hope Valley. She and Lucas often spoke of books together, something that cemented their friendship. Sara was one of the big lenders of the library and Lucas had just asked her to take over some work there. She was tempted, it would be a nice change from the waitressing which she didn't enjoy, but she was just getting the hotel to run smoothly and successfully, it would be difficult to keep that up if she had to work extra at the library. Something to ponder.

She took another sip of tea when just in front of Dr Shepherd's office she saw a highly pregnant woman collapse to the ground. Instinct kicked in as she dropped her tea cup and sprinted to the pregnant woman. The woman wasn't unconscious but she looked very pale. She asserted that the woman was called Ingrid Andersen and was due to give birth any day now. She was in town for errands and as she was feeling very weak and light-headed, she had decided to drop by the doctor's office.

Sara checked her pulse and breathing, then called out to Diana for help. Together they were able to get Ingrid inside.

"Get her husband, I'll stay with her," she ordered Diana who did not question Sara's authority and immediately left.

Sara, grateful for the time alone, found a glass of water and a cookie for Ingrid that she made her eat, and with Dr Shepherd's stethoscope was able to determine that the baby's heartbeat was steady and strong. She checked for dilation and asked Ingrid if she felt any contractions.

"Once in a while, but I have felt that for weeks."

"That may be, but you are starting to dilate, so I think labour may be starting for you."

Ingrid looked up in shock. "Really?"

"Yes," Sara smiled. "Is this your first?"

Ingrid nodded.

"Then I think it will be a while yet before the baby comes. Where would you like to give birth, here or at home?"

"At home!" she exclaimed.

"Good, then let's get you there as soon as we can," Sara said, just as the door opened and Diana entered with husband Hans.

She convinced Diana to let her, Sara, accompany the couple home. They lived on a farm just outside Hope Valley and got to the house within 15 minutes.

Sara proceeded to examine Ingrid's belly further and to her amazement found that the baby seemed to be in a transverse position. Damn. That could mean a very difficult birth. She didn't want to alarm the parents, however.

"You have time, try and get as much rest as you can before the real stuff happens," she smiled.

"I'll just go and get some supplies in town and come back here as soon as I can to help you."

"But we want to see Carson," Hans said.

"I know," Sara said, "and I'll have Diana send him as soon as he gets back into town again. Until then I can help."

The Andersen's were grateful. Sara was able to borrow their wagon to go back to the infirmary to pick up some essentials. The weather was turning bad and into a storm, so she went by her little house to find her watertight coat and made her way to the infirmary. There she found Diana who told her Carson had just called to say the road had been washed out and he wouldn't be able to make it home that day.

Just the drama she didn't need! She told Diana of the situation with Ingrid, giving her the message to send Carson to the Andersen farm as soon as he got in.

"Do you know what to do?" Diana asked, a little bit panicked.

"I do, I have witnessed a few births in my day," Sara said a little cryptically. "Maybe I could bother you for some chloroform?" she asked.

"I am sorry, I can't do that, Carson would never allow it. He says chloroform is extremely dangerous when not administered correctly," Diana insisted. "You can take gloves and a white coat and a surgical mask and some bandages and disinfectant and whatever else you may need but not chloroform."

They gathered the supplies together and while Sara got ready to take it out to the wagon in the pouring rain, she asked Diana to go to the saloon and make Sara's excuses to Lucas. They stepped outside together and just as Diana entered the saloon, Sara raced back into the infirmary and quickly bagged the chloroform and mask she needed to administer it.

"I'm so sorry for stealing, Dr Shepherd," she whispered into the air as she ran outside and jumped onto the wagon, "but this is an emergency and I will reimburse you."

Despite her coat, she was soaked through by the time she made it to the Andersens. Hans found her an old dress of Ingrid's to wear and she laid out her wet clothes by the fire.

Ingrid's labour had now really started, and Sara slipped back into her old role as if she had never left midwifery. She had to do something about the difficult position of the baby. She talked the couple through the procedure she was planning.

"How do you know how to do all this?" Ingrid asked. Sara wasn't ready to give up her secret because if she did, then Carson Shepherd would eventually find out and she knew how doctors in America despised 'amateurish' midwives.

"My father was a doctor," she said, "and I have attended births that were a little different."

Technically this was true, she had learned a lot during her midwifery training in Kiev when she had interned in her father's hospital. Her father wasn't an obstetrician, so she hadn't attended many births with him around, but she had attended many births at the hospital. Nothing she said was a lie, she just omitted to tell all the details.

Ingrid seemed appeased by that and when Sara asked Hans for help, he was ready to jump in. She showed him how to very carefully administer some chloroform. The idea was to drug Ingrid to take the edge off the pain, but to not let her lose consciousness.

With Ingrid somewhat sedated, Sara tugged and turned on Ingrid's stomach in between contractions until she finally felt the baby slip into the right position.

"Didn't Dr Shepherd ever try to do this?" she asked Ingrid and Ingrid sheepishly admitted she hadn't been for any check-ups in the last trimester as all had been going so well. Also, she felt awkward being alone with the doctor and have him poke around down there without a nurse around.

The contractions lasted through the night and at almost the crack of dawn, Ingrid was finally ready to push. After an hour of pushing, but with slightly less pain because of the carefully administered chloroform under Sara's direction, a baby girl was born. She was quite small but seemed healthy.

Sara awaited the afterbirth, checked it for completion, and then attended to cleaning up Ingrid and salving the wound of the little tear Ingrid had sustained during the birth. Ingrid wouldn't need to be stitched, but a little care would be needed.

A very relieved Ingrid and Hans didn't know how to thank Sara for all she had done and when all was just about ready, there was a knock on the front door.

Sara, still in the blood-stained white coat, answered the door and found Carson Shepherd standing in front of her.


	8. The admiration

He took in the dishevelled woman in front of him. His white coat looked large on her and was blood stained, strands of hair had escaped her braid and wildly framed her face, and she looked exhausted but ecstatic at the same time. Also, she looked surprised.

"Carson Shepherd!" she exclaimed. This was the first time he had ever heard her use his first name and he liked it. "How did you get here?" she asked.

"Erm… on horseback…?" he tried.

"But Diana said you couldn't make it through with the roads being washed out."

"The wagon couldn't, I will have to go back for it. She called me to tell me that you had gone out to try and help with the Andersen birth and that there were complications. I didn't want to leave you to your own devices, so I tried to get through on just the horse. It took a while, but it worked. How is the birth progressing?"

Sara stepped aside and let him in.

"Ingrid gave birth to a healthy baby girl an hour ago."

"And you helped, by the looks of my coat."

Sara smiled a happy, albeit exhausted smile. "It was a long night. Come and meet the baby."

She led the way and he entered the bedroom of a happy but tired couple with their baby. He proceeded to examine the mother and daughter, while Sara went around the room to clean up. He was surprised to find that Hans had been present for the birth and apparently he had administered chloroform. How had he managed to get his hands on that? Hans went on to explain the role Sara, no, Miss Kaminsky, had played during the birth. The baby had been transverse, as Diana had told him over the phone, and she had manoeuvred her into position. Sara had overseen the chloroform intake, had coached the mother and had helped talk her through the final pushes. She had taken care of the afterbirth and had examined mother and daughter, had helped with the first breastfeeding and was now getting the room back in order.

During this whole tale Carson kept on throwing surprised glances Miss Kaminsky's way and she seemed to studiously be avoiding his gaze. Was this her secret, was she in actual fact a nurse who, like him when he first came to Hope Valley, was hiding her knowledge and talent for some reason?

* * *

An hour later the family was finally settled, and Miss Kaminsky and Carson were ready to leave. Hans offered to drive Sara home in his wagon, but Sara would have none of it. It was only a half hour walk, she could use the fresh air and exercise, she insisted. Carson decided to not ride home on his horse, despite his own exhaustion, but walk with Miss Kaminsky. They packed up Sara's still damp clothes and the supplies that were borrowed from Carson's infirmary into his saddlebags and started on their way.

They walked in silence for a little bit before Carson finally stated his first question.

"Are you a nurse but hiding that fact for some reason?" he asked.

"No, I'm not a nurse," Sara said softly.

"Don't get me wrong, Sa - Miss Kaminsky. I'd be the last person on earth to judge you for that. When I first came to Hope Valley, I was hiding the fact that I was a doctor."

She seemed surprised at that. Hadn't that old piece of gossip reached her yet? Then again, it had been a few years.

"Really? Why did you hide that fact?" she asked, looking genuinely curious. His heart swelled a little at her earnest look at him.

"Guilt. I hid it because I felt guilty."

"About what?"

"My wife was very sick and I… operated on her, trying to save her life. But she died while I was doing that and somewhere in my heart, I will always feel terrible about that, I will always feel responsible for her death. I was cleared of any wrongdoing but that didn't take away my feelings of guilt. I felt like I had betrayed her, killed her."

"You were grieving," she stated softly, "it is impossibly difficult to lose a loved one, but to lose one under those circumstances must be completely devastating. I'm so sorry."

She looked up into his eyes as she said that and for a moment it seemed like her guard was completely down, her look was so filled with sympathy. He knew at that instant that she too had lost people she had dearly loved.

"You have lost a dearly loved one as well," he stated instead of asking.

She quickly looked away and stared straight ahead. "Yes, my fiancé," she said simply. "But that was a long time ago. 9 years."

"Gabriel?" he asked carefully. She nodded and didn't show any surprise at him remembering that name from two months before when she had awakened from her feverish sleep.

"How?"

She clammed up then. "Accident," she just said and said no more.

"I'm sorry," he offered sympathetically. Then, after a short pause, he asked, "Did that have anything to do with you not wanting to be a nurse anymore?"

"I was never a nurse."

"You sure knew how to handle this birth."

"My father was a good doctor at a hospital in Kiev. I attended several difficult births there."

"Hmm." Carson said. But how long had she been in America? 7 or 8 years? Was she really doing this from memory from 8 or 9 or 10 years before? He somehow doubted it but didn't press further as he looked down at the woman walking beside him. He was tempted to brush a loose strand of hair out of her face but was able to quench the impulse.

"It's been a very long night for you, you must be exhausted."

"So must you," she answered.

"Yes, I am very tired. But also relieved that this birth went so well."

"Me too."

"Thanks to you."

"I was glad to be of help."

They walked along in silence for a while after that and for the first time since he had met her, Carson didn't feel awkward in her presence. In fact, it was actually quite beautiful walking together in the early morning like that, the world smelling fresh, with the rain all gone, and the sky turning into a lovely shade of blue. As if speaking his thoughts, Sara said, "It's a beautiful morning."

"That it is," he sighed and took in a deep breath of cleansing fresh morning air.

"You know, you could ride on this horse together with me if you like, it will get you home and to your bed sooner."

Sara smiled, a genuine smile he wasn't used to receiving from her.

"Alright," she simply said.

He mounted the horse and then drew her up behind him. She clasped her arms around his waist as they started galloping into town. He liked the feel of her arms around him.

Once at her front door, he said, "Nurse or not, I feel like you have a medical talent and I'll be happy to have you join me at the infirmary. I could train you and you could become a nurse, I can use the help…"

Those had apparently been the wrong words. Sara clammed up. Yes, he called her Sara now in his mind, this morning had made him give up on the Miss Kaminsky moniker.

"No, thank you," she said curtly, "I have no desire to be a nurse."

He didn't push that matter further, he didn't want to endure her wrath.

"We will have to discuss how you got your hands on the chloroform. You certainly knew how to use it well."

"Diana wouldn't let me take any," Sara began.

"Good woman," Carson muttered but Sara continued undeterred, "I stole it from your infirmary while she wasn't looking."

Carson looked at her in surprise and bemusement. "You _stole_ it?"

"I'm sorry, I will reimburse you."

"There's no need, chances are I would have used it as well…"

"I would do it again, you know, in case of an emergency like this," she stated frankly.

Carson grinned, "And I'd forgive you again, because you apparently know how to handle it."

She looked a little surprised at that statement and gave him a hint of a mile.

"Sleep well, Dr Shepherd," she then said, starting to turn away from him.

"You know, after this morning, I think you should call me Carson," he tried carefully.

She turned to face him again, her green eyes boring into his and holding his gaze a few moments, seriously considering the suggestion.

Then finally she said, "Alright. I'm Sara. Sleep well, Carson." And she was gone.

He was left to ponder a whole lot about this woman. And she was finally calling him Carson now. He smiled as he made his way to his own home and his own bed.


	9. The start of a friendship

Sara fell into a deep sleep as soon as she finally fell into bed. Her dreams were filled with images of the birth, and Ingrid and Hans but also of a pair of blue eyes intently studying her and commiserating with what she had lost.

When she woke at around noon, she found herself wondering why Carson was being so nice to her. He really was friendly, she was finding, and he had been curious but had not rebuked her for stealing the chloroform. That was something she hadn't expected, his understanding that she had done what needed to be done and that she would do the same over again. He was behaving unlike any doctors she had come to know here in America and Canada and it confused her. Still, she didn't feel like she could trust him with her secrets. Why had he assumed she was a nurse, why not a doctor or an obstetrician or a midwife? Well, the latter would not occur to him as a respectable position and the first two options were still very uncommon for women, she knew that. Still, he had admired her skill and her being a nurse was all he could think of her being. No, she couldn't trust him with her secret yet. While he was friendly, he wouldn't be very different than other doctors regarding medical positions and by whom they could or should be filled. And then there was her other secret, that would be an even harder one to tell, especially to someone who went to church every Sunday and by all accounts was a devout Christian.

Not only Carson was on her mind as she woke. Also the fact that, for the first time since she had left New York so many months ago, she had assisted at a birth again. She had left Brooklyn, thinking she would be alright with never working as a midwife again. What the previous night showed her was that midwifery was so much a part of her, it had become instinctive to help and she had revelled in being able to help and welcome another beautiful life into the world. Could she really live without midwifery in her life?

She was pondering all this when she suddenly realized that Lucas must be wondering where she was at! She got freshened up and dressed as quickly as she could and virtually ran to the saloon/hotel.

Lucas didn't seem angry in the least when she showed up apologetically.

"I hear you were busy saving lives all night last night, I think that's a good excuse for not coming in to work this morning."

"Who told you that?"

"Carson. He came by this morning to tell me that you had helped deliver a healthy baby girl for the Andersens, that it had been a difficult birth you had handled all on your own because he couldn't make it back on time and that you had gone home to get some much-needed sleep."

"Carson told you that?"

Lucas cocked his head to one side and suppressing a grin said, "Yep."

"I...erm...I'm sorry I didn't think to walk by this morning to tell you myself after we got into town."

"I admittedly was wondering what had happened after I saw you ride down main street this morning, hanging on to the scoundrel doctor."

"Maybe he's not such a scoundrel…" Sara offered.

Lucas now didn't suppress his grin anymore, "You're certainly changing your tune, ma'am."

"OK, so he's a little nicer than I thought, I'll give him that… and no more than that."

Lucas smiled and nodded.

"You're a bit of a hero now, so take the day off and I'll see you tomorrow."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. So, what will you do with your time, visit your new friend Carson?"

"Oh, be quiet, Lucas!" Sara laughed. "I think I'll go visit the Andersen's and see how they and the baby are doing."

"Take my horse…" Lucas offered, and Sara didn't let him tell her that twice.

Sara went back home for a real bite to eat and later in the afternoon rode out to the Andersens and was warmly welcomed there. Ingrid had some trouble breastfeeding, so Sara helped with showing how to entice the baby to latch on.

"Also, when you're finished, rub some milk on your nipples and have it dry up in the air. It helps heal any soreness you will feel from the breastfeeding."

"You know so much about babies, Sara. Do you have any children?"

"No, I don't."

"You'd make an excellent mother."

"I lost my fiancé, the only man I could imagine as the father of my children, many years ago, so I think the opportunity of becoming a mother has now gone."

"What happened to him?"

"He died."

"How?"

"He was killed on the street in Kiev."

"Why would anyone kill him?"

"There were riots in the streets and he was one of the victims."

"I'm so sorry. What was his name?"

"Gabriel."

"Was he handsome?"

Sara smiled, "Very. He had dark brown hair and the kindest brown eyes. I met him in a bookstore, he was a very intelligent man, full of dreams and he could always make me laugh. He was a tutor of languages, he taught me to speak English better, and we planned to come to America together. When he died, I kept the dream alive and came to America with my brother and his wife and son a year later. I will always miss him."

"I'm sure you will. He sounds wonderful. And you have never been in love since?"

"No."

"Don't you want to have children?"

"Maybe, I don't know. I'm 34 now, it's getting a bit late for children, especially as I don't know any man who I would want to have children with."

The baby started to cry and Sara took her from her mother to hold and walk around with.

"Ah, I think she needs a fresh diaper," Sara smiled and took over the opportunity of changing it.

Ingrid looked on at this woman with her baby. "You really would be a wonderful mother," she said.

Sara smiled and handed the now happy baby back to her mother.

"I can take care of births and babies, being a mother is a whole different thing."

"Well, it's a good start," Ingrid smiled.

Hans walked in and they cooed over the baby together.

"We can't thank you enough for your help with this birth!" Hans said. "Dr Shepherd said that in lesser hands things might have been even more difficult. I get a feeling you saved Ingrid and our baby."

"Dr Shepherd was here?"

"Oh yes, he came to check on me earlier," Ingrid said, studying Sara a little more closely. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, nothing!" Sara said, a little too quickly. Somehow, suddenly, having the name dropped of Carson Shepherd made her a little nervous. "It's good he came out to check on you."

"Yes. And it's so very nice of you to check on us as well," Ingrid smiled.

"And to thank you for all you have done for us, we have decided to name our daughter Kirsten Sara".

Tears sprung into Sara's eyes, she felt a little overwhelmed by the kindness and turned away. Ingrid handed baby Kirsten to her father and quickly stepped to Sara to touch her on her shoulder.

Sara turned around.

"I am incredibly touched by this gesture, Ingrid! But you hardly know me, I may turn out to be some sort of monster to you, and then you will regret having named your daughter after me. Please think about it."

Ingrid wrapped her arm around Sara, which made Sara's eyes shimmer even more. When had someone last shown her affection like this? It had been a long time ago, probably when she last left Brooklyn and had hugged her brother and sister-in-law goodbye.

"Please, nothing can take away what you did for us last night."

"But what if I am a terrible person?"

"Someone who can selflessly help others in need the way you did, not asking anything in return, can never be a bad person. No matter what sins you may have committed in the past, in essence you are not a terrible person and we would be honoured to name our daughter after you."

Sara pulled herself together and gave a shaky little smile, "Thank you."

"No, thank _you_!" Hans smiled back.

Sara left the family soon after, Ingrid and Kirsten needed to rest, and promised she would come by for more visits.

In the weeks that followed that was what she did, and she soon realized that she had found her first real friend in Hope Valley, her friend Ingrid.


	10. The distance is bridged

After that morning coming home from the Andersens after baby Kirsten's birth, Carson felt the change in his relationship with Sara. It wasn't difficult for anyone to observe that change because now Sara actually talked to him! He also did not feel the need to avoid her anymore and while he did still feel that she was somewhat closed off to him, she was always friendly with him now and always allowed time for a little small talk.

Sara had also come by the infirmary to apologize to Diana for taking the chloroform behind her back. Carson saw that Diana's first inclination had been to get angry, but she had caught Carson's cautious stare and in the end she had graciously accepted the apology and had refused the payment offered. Carson later explained to her exactly how well Sara had done with that birth and the chloroform and should the need ever arise when he was not in town that he would permit Sara to have some for an emergency. Diana took note of that.

A few weeks later Diana also commented on 'the great thaw' as she called it.

"So, what did you say to her, doctor, that makes her like you now?" Diana inquired.

"I just think we got to know each other a little bit better, that's all," Carson had replied. "And I wouldn't say she actually likes me. She's nice to me and tolerates my presence."

"Yes, this is true. She does seem reserved around you."

"Exactly."

"But you like her."

"Of course I do. She's a nice person."

"Even if she's lying and hiding the fact that she is a nurse?"

"She isn't a nurse."

"You say that just because she told you that she isn't? I don't believe her. There's something shifty about her."

"I'll not have you say that about her. She's private, that's all."

"Not with Ingrid Andersen."

"Diana, I have a feeling that she'll tell a woman friend more than she'd tell me, and that is alright."

"Yes, but she keeps away from being close to most women. She won't come to church, she doesn't want to sew in the sewing club, she works for Lucas Bouchard, who is also a little… different, and she's in the library all the time. I mean, there must be better things she can do with her time than read all the time!"

"As I said, she's private and you need to respect that."

"Did you know that her beau back in Russia was murdered?"

"Pardon me?"

"Elise told me that Ingrid had told… I can't remember who… that Sara Kaminsky's beau was murdered. I mean, who would murder an innocent man? If she associated with criminal characters, that doesn't speak to her…"

"Enough of this gossip!" Carson had roughly interrupted her, "I will not have you repeat that around town."

"It's too late, everyone is already talking about it."

"Well, you don't have to join in."

* * *

Carson went to visit Ingrid the next day and he told her to be careful of what she told others and told her the gossip about the criminal murdered beau of Sara Kaminsky. Ingrid was shocked.

"Gabriel was her fiancé and was killed during a riot through no fault of his own! I can't believe that story got so out of hand! I only told my mother in confidence, I can't believe…"

"I just thought you should know so you could maybe let Sara know. I wouldn't want her to be blind-sided by it should the story come her way."

"Thank you for telling me, I'll let Sara know… but why don't you tell her yourself?"

"Sara and I are not friendly enough that way, I wouldn't want to embarrass her."

"You're a good man, Carson."

"And she's a good woman, I don't wish to see her hurt."

Ingrid studied him for a moment, then smiled and said, "Say, would you like to join us for dinner this Friday?"

"What's the occasion?"

"No occasion, just to thank you for all your care."

"You know it's my job to care."

"But it can never hurt to have that appreciated. Right, Hans?" Ingrid directed her comment to Hans as he walked in the door. "I just invited Carson over for Friday night dinner."

"But that's when Sa…" Hans couldn't finish as Ingrid interrupted him. "Please come for dinner on Friday. 6 pm. Right, Hans?" and she nudged him.

"Right, you are more than welcome," Hans said, still looking a little confused.

"And bring your guitar!" Ingrid added, "I hear from Diana that you play very well, maybe we could have a little after-dinner singing."

Carson graciously accepted.

* * *

On Friday evening, at just after 6 pm, Carson knocked on the Andersen's door with a bottle of wine in hand. Hans welcomed him in and Carson commented on how well the food smelled.

"That's all Sara's doing. She comes here every Friday afternoon now to take a load off Ingrid and help with the baby and the cooking."

Carson frowned in confusion. Sara?

Just at that moment Ingrid walked in, holding baby Kirsten, and Sara walked in, holding a tray with some sort of braided bread. Carson's eyes popped open wide in surprise but he couldn't say the surprise was unwelcome. It took a few seconds before Sara saw him as well and she seemed startled, almost dropping the tray.

"Erm… hello..." she said, looking questioningly at Ingrid. Ingrid just grinned and warmly welcomed Carson while Sara turned to put the tray down on the table.

"I thought an extra guest for dinner might make for a nice change, don't you think so, Sara?" Ingrid then said and Sara turned around to face Carson again.

"I didn't mean to intrude…" he began.

"No please, don't feel unwelcome. I'm just a little surprised Ingrid didn't tell me about an extra guest."

"I didn't know you'd be here this evening either," Carson smiled. "But I hope it's alright that I'm here."

"Of course it is!" Sara smiled and then quickly excused herself to go back to the kitchen.

Ingrid followed her, handing baby Kirsten over to Carson, and Hans and Carson were left to make some small talk on their own.

Carson couldn't quite recall what they had talked about. He was more aware of some agitated whispering in the kitchen and his heart was still beating madly after so unexpectedly coming face to face with Sara in this more intimate setting. He felt excitement at the thought of having dinner with her, but also felt a little apprehension at her possibly not wanting him there. He quickly focused his attention on the adorable baby Kirsten and cooed over her, together with Hans.

He didn't notice the women coming back into the room again until he heard the clattering of plates. Ingrid was placing an extra setting (it was only then he noticed the table had been set for three and not four people) and he caught Sara studying him.

"You are a natural with babies, Dr Shepherd," she smiled at him, all surprise and would-be animosity gone. Carson relaxed and smiled back.

"Well, that does help in my work, that I get along with babies… and people in general, really."

"You're good at it," she said before quickly turning her attention to the table.

Had she actually complimented him? And was she blushing? He couldn't really tell but it made his heart skip a beat.

He watched her put two candles on the dinner table and then slowly and somehow very gracefully she lit them. She seemed to pause for a few moments, as if taking in the light of the candles, before she stepped away and turned back to the men. Were her eyes shimmering or was it just the candlelight?

"Please, sit, dinner will be served soon," she said.

Hans took Kirsten and laid her in the crib beside the dinner table while Sara and Ingrid brought in dinner.

Carson had been ambushed before with a dinner set-up, a long time ago with Faith, but this one felt different, more meaningful. This time around, unexpectedly finding Sara there that evening, he was suddenly hit by a clarity he had rarely experienced before. With Faith he had always had these questions in the back of his mind, questions he now knew with certainty that he didn't have with Sara. Yes, there was a cloud of mystery surrounding Sara that gave rise to questions, but the basic questioning of his feelings for her was not there; there was no mystery anymore to his feelings or the depth of them. This was a dinner which to him would be unforgettable, it was the dinner when he realized he was head over heels in love with Sara Kaminsky.


	11. The magical evening

Ingrid had completely surprised her with inviting Carson Shepherd to dinner and not telling Sara anything about it in advance. She had cooked chicken and had baked her usual Friday evening bread earlier in the day. There was plenty of food to go around for an extra mouth, that wasn't the problem. The problem was that it was Carson and she would be having dinner with him.

In the kitchen she had taken Ingrid aside and admonished her about unexpectedly inviting an extra guest. Ingrid had looked innocently surprised, she had figured Carson and Sara were friends enough to enjoy dinner together or did Sara really hate Carson?

"Of course, I don't hate Carson. We've become… friendlier… these past weeks. It doesn't mean that I want to have dinner with him!"

Ingrid told her to not over-react and that she wanted Carson there to also thank him for his care. Sara couldn't fault Ingrid that.

Dinner was a very pleasant affair, although she did on occasion find it difficult sitting opposite Carson and his kind, smiling eyes that seemed to bore right into her soul. Why was he so unsettling to her, she wondered? And then she knew: yes, she liked him but if he ever knew her two big secrets, then that would be the end of the friendship. She was not willing to risk her heart in becoming too close to him. Having said that, as the evening progressed, she felt her guard slip.

"This chicken tastes great!" Hans said.

"It's actually called chicken Kiev," Sara stated.

Carson looked at her in surprise, "From your hometown?"

"Yes," she smiled, secretly pleased that he had made that connection.

"Where is Kiev actually?" Hans asked.

"It is in the south-west of Russia, in Ukraine."

"And you were born there?" Carson asked.

"Yes."

"Your father was a doctor, right?"

"Yes, he worked in the hospital there. The best of men."

"But he didn't come to America with you?"  
"No, he didn't want to leave his life there."

"You must miss him," Carson said, compassionately.

Sara held his gaze for a few moments. "Yes," she said. "He passed away three years ago from a sudden heart attack."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, and hey, life goes on and here I am serving chicken Kiev!" Sara said, wanting to disperse with the seriousness, and Carson gave a little laugh.

"That's a mood changer," Hans also laughed.

"Well, we've all lost loved ones, I don't want this evening to be morbid."

"You've lost more than your fair share, Sara, it's alright to have someone commiserate."

Sara looked at Ingrid and frowned.

"Sorry, don't mean to meddle!" Ingrid then retorted.

This time Sara gave a snigger before looking up at Carson again, who seemed a little confused.

"OK, fine, the quick story of my life and then I'd really like to move this along. I was born in Kiev as the youngest of 4 children. I had two brothers and a sister. I lost my mother, my brother and my sister to cholera when I was 12 years old. Yes, it was difficult but my father, my brother and I held together and we came through it. I met Gabriel, who I know you've heard of, when I was 21. He was a tutor but also helped out in a bookstore where we met and we fell in love and we got engaged two years later. He improved my English and I learned to speak well quite quickly because he made it a point to almost only speak English with me. We dreamed of starting a new life in America, we saved money for it but before we could book our passage or get married Gabriel was killed during a riot in the streets of Kiev. I didn't want to stay after that and a year later my brother, his recently pregnant wife and one-year old son and I left for America. We travelled by train to Prague and Hamburg, by ship to England and from England by ship to America. Our journey was not as bad as we had heard some other journeys were. I lived with my brother and his family in downtown New York for the first 4 years, we then moved to Brooklyn and I lived near them in a small apartment for the past 4 years. But I am older now and I have craved my independence and a chance to make a life on my own, so, here I am. End of story. Now, does anyone else want any more chicken?"

"Thank you for the quick walk-through and I promise to not ask questions although I have many," Carson smiled.

"So, I told you mine, you tell me yours," Sara dared ask.

"Well, my life has not been as eventful as yours. I was born and raised in the East, in Hamilton. My father was a judge, I have an older brother, we had a good childhood. I was always interested in medicine and went to medical school, became a doctor and then met and fell in love with Amber. We got married and were very happy until she became very ill. I was a hot-shot surgeon, I tried operating on her… and lost her. I will forever regret that. Amber's family accused me of negligence. I was cleared by the medical board but by then everyone had turned against me. I vowed to never practice medicine again, I felt I wasn't good enough if I couldn't even save my wife. No praying or going to church could make that right for me. I roamed in odd jobs for a few years until I came here. I was working for the railroad then, got injured while I was in town and basically stayed. Amber's sister Marlise had been chasing after me, putting people up against me everywhere I went. She also came here, but I was supported by this community and she and I finally were able to make our peace. The scar will always be there but I was healed here and now Hope Valley is my home."

His tale and his honest portrayal of his feelings touched Sara. She could not be as open about her feelings and she almost envied him for being able to share his so openly. She had been studying him during his tale and their eyes met again at the end of it, without her being able to respond.

"Well, your life sounds eventful as well!" Ingrid offered.

When she was finally able to speak, Sara added, "I am so sorry for your loss and hardship and I am glad you were able to find a home here. Hope Valley seems appropriately named."

He smiled into her eyes, "That it does."

Little Kirsten started fussing then, so that got everyone up. Ingrid went to feed the baby, while the men cleared the table. They didn't want to accept help from Sara, as she had cooked the whole meal. Sara was left with making the living room presentable again while the men did the dishes.

Half an hour later Hans had put some coffee on the stove, Ingrid was getting Kirsten ready for bed and Sara and Carson were left to their own devices.

"I see you brought your guitar," Sara said.

"Yes, Ingrid asked me to," Carson smiled.

"I am told you play well."

He picked up his guitar. "What would like to hear?"

Sara glanced towards the room where Ingrid was finishing up with Kirsten.

"I think a lullaby would be in order."

"Maybe best outside," Carson suggested and they went out to sit on the porch.

Carson started playing the Greensleeves melody and sang lovely lyrics to accompany the melody.

_Away, away, come away with me  
Where the grass grows wild and the winds blow free  
Away, away, come away with me  
And I'll build you a home in the meadow.__  
Come, come, there's a wondrous land  
For the hopeful heart and the willing hand  
__Come, come, there's a wondrous land  
Where I'll build you a home in the meadow  
The stars, the stars, oh, how bright they'll shine  
On a world the Lord himself designed,  
The stars, the stars, oh, how bright they'll shine  
On the home we will build in the meadow.  
Come, come, there's a wondrous land  
For the hopeful heart and the willing hand  
Come, come, there's a wondrous land  
Where I'll build you a home in the meadow._

Sara was mesmerized, it felt like he meant every word for her when he looked into her eyes and held her gaze several times during the song. When the song ended, they looked at each other, neither able to speak for a few moments.

"I don't know this song but it was beautiful," Sara finally said. "I feel like it is something Gabriel would have liked as well."

"Amber loved this song," Carson cautiously smiled, "I think this is the first time I have played it since her passing."

Both Sara and Carson almost jumped when they heard the baby gurgle, they turned to look at the doorway where the young family was standing.

"She wouldn't settle," Ingrid said apologetically, adding, "She likes the music, I think."

Carson smiled and proceeded to play some more songs. Sara happily took Kirsten from her mother for a while so that she could have her hands free. The baby fell asleep in Sara's arms during an upbeat song and Sara, despite offers to take the baby, happily held her until they decided it was late enough and it was time for Sara and Carson to leave.

Sara put Kirsten down in her cot and refused Hans's offer to drive her back into town, she wanted to walk and savour some more of the beautiful evening before being at home again. Carson, who had come on foot because he wanted the exercise after a long inactive day at the infirmary, accompanied her.

Sara tried to think back to when she had last had such a beautiful evening and she remembered that the last time had been quite a long time ago with her brother Leon and family back in Brooklyn.

She hugged Hans and Ingrid as she left and thanked them.

"Please think about it," Ingrid then said to Sara as they left and Sara saw Carson give her a puzzled look as they left.


	12. The walk home

The dinner and especially singing to Sara had felt magical this Friday evening. Carson felt that during this evening something had shifted between him and Sara, like they had come to understand one another more deeply. She had told him of her life, and although she had rushed through the tale, he knew that her past had held some very painful moments for her. Maybe that was why she was good with people, she understood that every person has a cross to bear. The way she had looked at him when he told her his story and her words afterwards certainly told him that. So, singing to her had been a way for him to honour her empathy and maybe even a way to let her know, without saying the words, that he had come to care for her. It had been the perfect end of a long working week.

They left the Andersen's farm in silence, relishing the cool night air and the clear night sky, with half the moon and all the stars shining bright. After they had walked in silence for a little while, Carson was the first to speak.

"Thank you for the lovely meal, Sara. You're a good cook."

She gave a little chuckle. "Thank you, but I only know how to make a few dishes and pastries well. My sister-in-law is the real cook, she has taught me most of what I know."

"That bread was good, not quite like I had tasted before and I liked the touch of adding a little salt on it before eating it."

"Oh, that's just a Je…ah... a custom in my family."

"Well, I liked it, it's a good one."

"Good, I'm glad."

They walked on in silence again for a few moments.

"I'm so sorry about your wife," Sara then stated softly, "and the time following that."

"And I'm sorry about your family and your fiancé."

"Thank you. And thank you for having Ingrid tell me about the gossip you wanted to prepare me for. That was very kind of you."

"No thanks needed, I just felt you should know."

"Next time you can tell me yourself," she smiled.

"I will," he smiled back.

They reverted back to a comfortable silence for a little while before Sara said, "The music this evening reminded me of evenings with my family, of when I was small, but also with my brother and his family in Brooklyn. It was lovely, you play and sing well."

She looked up at him and in the moonlight he could see her smile for him.

"It was my pleasure," he replied and with her still looking at him, he couldn't hold himself in any longer. He looked away again and without a word he took her hand and held it in his. He avoided looking at her again for fear of her reaction but when she made no move to remove her hand, he breathed a little easier when he added, "It's been a while since I played in a family setting like that, it was very heart-warming to me too. Almost therapeutic."

"And soothing for the baby," Sara said with a smile in her voice.

They walked on companionably, hand-in-hand, and spoke of songs they enjoyed. Sara promised to try and sing some songs from her family next time so that he could learn them too. They spoke of the nice evening with the Andersens and about the baby.

They had walked quite a way already when Sara became more serious and asked, "Carson, if I ask you this will promise me not to laugh?"

"Of course."

"What are the duties of a godmother?"

He looked down at her in surprise. She really didn't know?

"I mean, I have heard about being a godfather or godmother but what exactly is expected?"

"Is that what Ingrid meant when she asked you to 'think about it' when we left?"

"Yes. I just don't want to rush into an agreement that I can't dutifully fulfil."

"Why wouldn't you be able to fulfil it? It's mostly a ceremonial role, you promise to look out for Kirsten for as long as you live and help bring her up to become a good Christian. It's an honour to be asked."

"Yes, I know, but she hasn't known me that long, why would she ask me? And I don't know if I'll be close to Kirsten for the rest of my life."

"The Andersens haven't lived here long. They came with Ingrid's mother who decided to live in town, they are a little isolated and don't have many friends here yet. You have become a friend to them since Kirsten came, you are a warm and caring person, I can see how they would want to ask you."

"I don't go to church."

"I noticed. Why not? Crisis of faith?"

Sara gave a little, uncharacteristic snort, "Something like that."

"Anything I can do to convince you to come?" he asked.

"No," she said, and changed the subject. "It really is beautiful tonight."

"That it is," he muttered softly looking down at her, giving her hand an extra squeeze.

Something, maybe in the way he said that, made her look up at him and he couldn't tear his gaze away from hers. The long look they shared made his heart beat faster, right up in his throat. She was the first to look away. Did she understand what was happening here, between them? Did he really?

They walked on in silence for a while, the air seemed heavy between them with things left unspoken. But what to say?

"This was a perfect evening, Sara," he then ventured carefully.

"It was."

"Maybe we could do it again?"

"I think that would be up to Ingrid and Hans."

That was silly, he hadn't been specific enough. What he meant was that he would love to spend some more time alone with her and not necessarily at the Andersens. Should he clarify, he wondered, but she was already changing the subject to more neutral territory.

"Your infirmary seems to be doing well. Diana was telling me that you could almost use a second doctor. Is that something you would want to do?"

"Not yet. But if I had a nurse, the workload would be a bit more manageable..." he looked pointedly at Sara and she laughed. Ah, the sound of her laughter just for him filled his heart.

"Lucas asked me to manage the library part-time, I have no time to be your nurse."

"Is that something you would want to do, manage the library?"

"Yes, it is, but I would want to do it properly and I'm not sure part-time would be the answer."

"I'm sure Elizabeth wouldn't mind letting her hours go, she has enough to do with the teaching and her baby."

"I think that's one reason why Lucas suggested it, to unburden Elizabeth, but if I do this, I don't want to leave him in the lurch with the hotel. He has been so very good to me."

"You and he seem to be quite close," Carson said, trying not to feel and sound jealous.

"We outsiders attract each other, I suppose."

"You think you're an outsider?"

"Well, maybe not like Lucas is, not yet anyway… He has just… become a good friend."

"And nothing more?"

"No! I appreciate him but no, I have never entertained anything else but friendship for him and never will. So, is that the next piece of gossip you've been hearing?"

"No, I think there is more gossip about him and Elizabeth, to be honest."

"You sure hear a lot of gossip at your infirmary."

"Yes, Diana keeps me appraised, even when I tell her I am not interested."

Sara laughed again. "She sure does seem to like it, yes and… ", here she paused.

"And what?"

"Nothing."

"No, please tell me!"

"Well, she sure seems to like you too."

"Oh, so you've heard that piece of gossip, have you?"

Sara grinned, "Well, we also hear certain stories at the saloon. She is young and very pretty, she seems smart enough and capable. You could do worse."

They were now in town and nearing Sara's front door and Carson wanted this cleared up before they said goodnight.

"I am not interested in her, not in that way."

"Really? Half the bachelors in town are interested in her but she only has eyes for you."

They reached Sara's front door and as he faced her, he said, "But I don't have eyes for her."

He looked at her intently when he softly added, "My interest lies elsewhere."

Sara became very serious but didn't ask him where his interest lay. Surely, she must take his meaning. She held his gaze and that emboldened him to take a step closer to her.

"Carson..." she said softly, but now that he was suddenly feeling bold, he didn't want to hear what she was going to say just yet.

"Can't you guess where my interest lies?" he asked softly, undeterred, and Sara, apparently not able to hold his gaze any longer, looked down to their feet.

He placed his hand under her chin, stepped even closer and lifted her chin so that she had no choice but to look into his eyes again.

"My interest has been with you for quite some time, but I never realized it so clearly until tonight," he said gently.

"You don't want to be with me…" she softly said. "There is just so much you don't know or would want to know about me…"

Carson found he didn't want to hear anything just now to spoil this perfect evening. He gently placed a finger on her lips, the touch sending an unexpected thrill up his arm, straight to his heart.

"Shh," he whispered, "Let's not spoil this perfect evening."

"Alright," she whispered back as they gazed at each other intently.

He then gently lifted her chin to meet him and placed a soft, lingering kiss on her mouth. To his surprise and delight, she responded and her lips softly moved against his as well.

When he drew back, she looked just about as dazed as he felt.

He looked from her eyes to her lips and when she looked to his lips as well, he leaned in for another kiss. He was already becoming hungry for more kisses. Alas, the second kiss, just as heart-soaring as the first one, was soon stopped by Sara speaking.

"This cannot mean…" she began and took a step backwards.

Carson sighed. No, he shouldn't move too fast and scare her away.

"It's alright, I understand. No reason to move fast. Let this just be the end of a beautiful evening, that is all."

"Yes… thank you for this evening, Carson."

"Thank you too," he said and added, "Goodnight, de… Sara."

"Goodnight, Carson" she smiled back at him and turned to go inside.

She didn't look back, the last he saw of her that night was that beautiful braid down her back that he loved so much as she disappeared inside her door.

He slowly wandered back home, hands in his pockets, lost in thought. He hadn't felt this way in a long, long time, not since he had met Amber way back when.


	13. The ride

It was difficult for Sara to find sleep that night. She kept on replaying the evening with Carson in her mind and most of all that kiss at the end. She couldn't be falling for Carson, she just couldn't! Why, of all people, did she have to like a Christian doctor? No, there could be nothing between them, there never could be and she had to tell him as soon as possible. He shouldn't get his hopes up and neither would she. They were not suited, they never would be! The sooner he understood that the better!

But oh, that sweet kiss that had made her heart soar. Had it soared like that when she had kissed Gabriel way back when? Yes, she did recall that giddy feeling with him, but it was so long ago and there had been no bittersweet feelings attached, like there had been for her with Carson's kiss. Yes, this needed to be nipped in the bud, Carson would just have to understand! She did appreciate him not wanting to spoil the evening with what she had to say, and the evening really had been perfect! She thought back to him singing that Come Away With Me song to her and her heart swelled again at the memory. Never in her life would she ever forget that special moment. But they would have to come back to reality again, she needed to listen to her head, preferably as soon as possible. Reality was something for the next day, however, and for now she decided to continue wallowing in the beauty of the past evening.

Saturday was her day off, she had negotiated that with Lucas, and she decided she needed to be alone for it. She packed a picnic and went to Lucas and asked to borrow one of his horses for the day, which he allowed. Lucas had taught her how to ride and he was confident enough to let her go out on this outing on her own.

"Where are you headed?" he asked.

"I don't really know, I just need a day to go out and clear my head."

"Oh no, what happened?"

"Everything I do not want to have happen!"

"Oh dear, I'll come with you."

"No, I want to be alone."

"Well, I can't have you riding away upset without knowing where you're going to. I don't want you losing your way."

"I'm not upset and I'll go up north, into the hills, and stick to near the road, alright?"

"Promise not to stray too far?"

"I promise."

"Here, take the compass. And if you're not back by 5 pm, I'm sending out a search party."

"There will be no need for that."

"Alright, you can take Sheba, she's gentle enough."

Sara rode for about an hour before she decided to find a spot off the road to rest herself and the horse. They found a little clearing not far from the road beside a brook. The horse grazed while Sara sat and picked at the flowers. She ate something and let her thoughts wander. They wandered all over her life but mostly they stuck with Carson. What was it about him that attracted her to him? He was a doctor who, she just knew, would not like meddling midwives. To be fair, she had only assisted at one birth, but she knew that if another mother would need her, she wouldn't be able to stay away. In fact, just the other week another young pregnant woman had spoken with her while she was at the store, saying how she had heard from Ingrid how wonderful Sara had been during the birthing process and would she consider also being present for her baby's birth? Sara had kindly referred the young woman to Carson but had said that if need be, she could always call on her. Carson was bound to find out about that sooner or later and then he wouldn't be happy with her, she just knew it.

Then there was that other issue, the church issue. She had often asked herself whether she should just go to church, to keep up false appearances, and she just knew she couldn't. She also knew that she couldn't be Kirsten's godmother for that very reason, there was no way she could help raise the little girl in the Christian faith and she would have to tell Ingrid. Ingrid was her friend now and she would have to be honest with her. How would Ingrid react, would she lose the friendship? And if Carson knew why she really couldn't go to church, with him being such a church-going person, would it drive a wedge between them? She thought it might.

Sara really hadn't bargained on getting this attached to people in this new place, she hadn't bargained on feeling the need to be honest with them about who she really was. Had she really thought she could start a new life without deeper attachments? The thing she had least expected of all was to fall in love with a man so very opposite to who she was.

"No, no, I'm not in love!" she immediately told herself, "I just really like him! And I just wish I didn't like him so much…"

Maybe if she analysed why she liked him so much she would be able to steele herself against those traits and be able to ignore them.

She remembered waking up that day in the infirmary after she had fainted off the stagecoach. She at first had thought she was being attacked when she woke up and when she came to her senses, she wasn't prepared for that kind face and those piercing blue eyes looking back at her. And then, when she had woken up from her long sleep, there were those kind blue eyes again, looking at her with warmth and concern. If she really thought about it, she realized that she wasn't used to being looked at in that friendly way by strangers. She liked it but at the same time she didn't trust it. That had been her stance for quite a while: yes, he looked so very kind and the way he looked into her eyes as if he could reach her core really touched her but she was afraid and couldn't trust it. Until that early morning when she opened the Andersen's door to him after Kirsten's birth, she had kept him at a distance. And why? What was she afraid of? Well, she now knew. She was afraid of feeling the way she did now: somewhere deep down she had always known that this was a man she could really, really like and she also knew that this was a man who could never fit into her world and she could never fit into his.

This was a dilemma between the head and the heart and she could not contemplate letting the heart win. It would be impossible! Her thoughts exhausted her, and after her restless night, she finally laid down and took a nap.

She must have slept for about an hour and when she awoke, she felt restless again. She packed up her things, took Sheba, and gave her the reigns to gallop free for quite a while. The speed was exhilarating, and she felt free. Yes, going out riding on her own had been a brilliant idea. Life seemed simple out here on horseback.

She finally turned the horse around to start and make it back to town. How could she make her life as simple and free as a horse ride? And right there she made a plan.

She would head to Ingrid's and tell her why she would not be able to be a godmother. As her friend, she would tell her the truth and hopefully Ingrid would understand why Sara would not be able to share her truth widely with everyone. After that she would talk to Carson and tell him that she liked him very much, as a friend, and could they please just remain that. Life needed to be simple and she could not start a relationship with a man that would be extremely complicated.

Sara rode out straight to the Andersen farm where she arrived at the end of the afternoon.

She told Ingrid the truth, the whole truth, about her life and who she was and Ingrid turned out to be even more of a friend than she had ever expected her to be. Instead of prejudice and recrimination, Sara only received understanding and love. By the time Sara left, she knew she had made a fast friend for life.

* * *

Sara slowly rode back into town, her heart much lighter than it had been for a long time. It felt so good that at least one person now knew her, the real her, and she felt she could deal with anything now. When she came to the saloon, she found a nervous Lucas at the stable.

He strode towards her and gave her short embrace.

"Thank goodness, you are here! We were going out to search for you, you're almost an hour late! Where were you?"

"Riding to the hills, just like I said, and then I stopped by Ingrid's for a while."

"I'm glad you're alright. I'll have to call off the search party."

"Search party?"

"Yes. Carson came looking for you not long after your left and he called for you again just 10 minutes ago. I got worried, he got worried and he's now gone to find Nathan so we can all search for you. I'm due at Nathan's Mountie office now."

"Oh no, I don't want to cause a fuss. Carson shouldn't have made a fuss."

"That man cares for you."

"Well, he shouldn't," Sara muttered, "You stay here, I'll talk to him." And off she marched to the Mountie office.

She spotted Carson and he spotted her before Nathan did. She marched up to them and said, "Thank you for your concern but I am capable and I am fine. I was only out riding, never lost my way, and then was at Ingrid's for a bit."

"That is a relief," Nathan said, "I guess we won't have to saddle our horses after all."

He slapped Carson on the back, who was just staring at Sara. She glared back at him and Nathan quickly realized he should leave the two alone.

"I'm relieved to see that you are alright," Carson said after he left.

"Walk with me, Carson," Sara said, wanting to get out of the public eye with everyone who was out in the street looking at them.

They walked into a quiet side street, where they were alone, and before Carson could start up a conversation, Sara already did.

"Listen, it was sweet of you to worry but I don't want you to worry about me. I don't want you to… care so much…"

"I can't help it, I'm a doctor…" Carson smiled.

Sara turned to face him. "Carson, about last night…"

Carson looked at her seriously and softly said, "You aren't ready for… whatever this between us could be."

"Yes, exactly. And I don't think I'll ever be."

"I figured as much when you just disappeared today. Why not?"

"Because… we are worlds apart, Carson."

"Are we? I thought we were very connected last night."

"It was a magical night. A fantasy…"

"Yes…"

"But the reality is different. You don't really want to be with me…"

"Don't I? Why not? What is it you're not telling me, Sara?"

"I can't…"

"But if you could tell me, maybe we could work it out."

"No. I like you Carson, I really do, but you and I can never be more than just friends."

Carson now took hold of her shoulders, studying her eyes so closely she almost felt like she was being pulled into his.

"What frightens you so, Sara? How can I take away the demons that are holding you captive?"

Tears sprung into her eyes at his sincerity and the concern in his voice.

"You can't do anything, Carson. There just is nothing to be done. I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Whatever it is, I would never hurt you," he whispered back and pulled her into an embrace.

She let him and she let herself melt into his arms. He put his one hand against her head, pressing her against his shoulder.

"I know you would never mean to," she muttered against him.

He stroked her hair for a few moments before she pulled away from him. She looked up at him again.

"But please, Carson, I just want us to be friends!" she pleaded.

"i just don't understand why."

"Maybe, in time, I could explain, and you would agree, but not now..."

"I wish you felt you could trust me."

"This is just... I need more time..."

"More time."

"Yes. And in the meantime I'd love for us to be just friends, so that we can get to know each other better."

He studied her for a few seconds and then said, "Just friends, eh?"

"Yes."

"Just friends…"

She nodded. He took a step back and studied her a little longer and then seemed to accept it.

"Alright, just friends," he finally said.

"Thank you," she said, the smile she wanted to give him not reaching her lips yet.

An uneasy silence fell.

"Maybe, as your friend, I could treat you for dinner?" Sara then asked, trying to lighten the mood.

He gave a little forced smile. "Thank you, maybe another night?"

"Alright."

"Alright."

"Goodnight, Sara," he said.

"Goodnight, Carson," she replied. "I'll see you around town?"

"That you will," he half-heartedly smiled and turned and walked away.

Did she feel better now? She wasn't sure that she did but she really hoped she had simplified things like she had resolved she would do during her ride.


	14. The estrangement

So, just friends was all she wanted to be. She seemed to care for him too, she had responded to his kiss, she had melted into his arms, she seemed full of regret telling him she wanted to be just friends and yet it was to be "Just Friends". He had felt the connection between them, he was sure she had felt it too and yet she wilfully pushed him away and would not trust him with her secret. If only he knew the reason why, he could maybe change things or at the very least make his peace with it. She had tried to normalize things by immediately inviting him for dinner but he needed a little time to adjust. That magical evening at the Andersens had changed everything for him and it wasn't so easy to change back again. The genie was out of the bottle for him, he wasn't sure how to put it back.

Carson avoided Sara for a while, doing his utmost to control his feelings again. He could become more… indifferent, he just knew he could, he just needed a little time. It took him over a week before he gathered all his courage and dared go into the saloon again for a drink. Lee, oblivious of Carson's feelings for Sara, had invited him for an after-work drink and although his first inclination was to decline, he figured that was as good a time as ever to face Sara again. Better in company, with some distraction, than alone.

Lee and Carson walked into the saloon and Carson was immediately aware of Sara who was behind the bar with her back turned towards the room, preparing some drinks. They found a seat and Sara didn't see them until she was serving the drinks she had just made for another group of people. Did she almost jump when she saw him? In any case, by the time she came to their table she seemed very calm and collected, more so than he felt on the inside.

"Hello, Lee, Carson! Nice to see you here," she smiled with a pointed look directed at Carson, "what can I get you?"

"How about two whiskeys? Is that OK, Carson?" Lee asked.

"Yes, fine," Carson answered, short and to the point.

"Yes, right. Coming right up!" Sara smiled and walked off.

Lee looked at Carson questioningly. "I thought you and Sara were friends now after she stopped ignoring you?"

"We are friends."

"Well, you weren't very talkative."

"Neither was she."

"Did you have a disagreement?"

"Hm, something like that. But it's all good now."

Carson made it a point to thank Sara for the drink when she served them and asked her about her day. After some non-consequential chit chat she left their table again.

Carson turned to Lee, "Better now?"

Lee laughed, "Yes, thank you."

"You know," he added, looking from Carson to Sara and back, "yesterday Lucas was telling me that once he finds a replacement hotel manager, Sara will manage the library full-time. She's a smart one, that one, a good woman. Maybe she could be someone for you…?"

"Please, don't go there, Lee. I'm not ready to be with anyone."

"I didn't think Faith had left you so broken hearted."

"Oh, she didn't. We still write to each other, she's like a sister to me. I just am not ready for relationship hassle."

"It doesn't have to be a hassle."

"You mean, you and Rosemary never have to deal with any hassle?"

Lee laughed, "Oh sure, we do, plenty of hassle with her around. But she is completely worth it and it's part of why I love her. Never a dull moment!"

"You enjoy that, then, let me enjoy bachelorhood."

"If not Sara, what about Diana then?"

"Do you really see me being with Diana?" Carson asked.

"No, I suppose not," Lee answered.

They continued sipping their drinks and changed the subject.

For the whole hour they were there catching up, Carson tried to not follow Sara's every move but he remained very aware of Sara at all times anyhow. When they got up to leave, Sara's shift was also ending. Lee had to get home to Rosemary, so Carson was left to walk out the door with Sara.

"May I see you home?" he asked politely,

"Sure you may, thank you," she replied and they walked in silence for a few moments.

"I hear from Lee that you'll be managing the library soon after all?" Carson then asked.

"That's quick that word gets around! We only arranged that the day before yesterday."

"Well, I'm sure you'll be good at it."

"Thank you, I hope so."

Should he broach the big issue between them? Yes, he should, he quickly decided. A friendship should be based on honesty and he wanted to be honest with her.

"I'm sorry I've been avoiding you, Sara," he then began, "I just needed a little… cooling off time."

"That's alright, Carson. I was good with having a little time as well. Things got a little too intense for a little while there."

"Intense indeed."

"But we're good now, right?"

"Yes."

They soon got to her door.

"I suppose I'll see you around?"

"I suppose you shall," he smiled in response, trying not to think about the last time he had dropped Sara off at her door and had kissed her.

"Have a good evening, Carson," she said.

"You too," he answered and waited for her braid to disappear through the door again before he stepped away and made his own way home.

* * *

Things normalized between them after that. They talked to each other on occasion when they bumped into each other. Within a week Sara was installed in the library after a new manager had been hired for the hotel. Elizabeth was ever grateful with the time that freed up for her. Carson took to dropping by on occasion at the library for a search in the library shelves and a chat. He found that just being around Sara, talking to Sara, being friends with Sara was by far preferable than no contact and so he pushed the memory of the kisses as far away as possible. He could do friends, he really could.

He learned that Sara now went to Ingrid's every Friday for dinner and another few weeks later she invited him to come as well. She also asked him to bring Diana, but he would only do so if she invited Diana herself. He didn't want to awaken false hopes in Diana. So, Sara invited Diana as well and he soon found himself at another Friday night dinner at the Andersens, not only accompanied by Diana but also Lucas.

This time it was Ingrid who had cooked the meal but Carson didn't fail to notice that Sara seemed in charge of setting the table and lighting the candles again, just as gracefully as she had done all those weeks ago. He tried to not compare the evening from some weeks ago with the current evening, and he found he missed the intimacy of only sharing that evening with Sara.

Diana seemed more than pleased to be there with Carson, she hung on his every word and was constantly trying to thread her arm through his.

Lucas and Sara, he noticed, joked around a lot and seemed close but not at all romantically close. While there was no love-envy, Carson did feel a friendship-envy. Lucas' and Sara's friendship looked easy and uncomplicated in a way he couldn't be with Sara.

They had a lovely evening and after dinner Carson played his guitar again. He found Sara looking at him intently at one point, no doubt remembering that other evening when he had sung for her, and he gave her a little smile in return. While they did exchange such looks on occasion that whole evening, they were never alone, and that was for the best, Carson felt. In company he could easily be just friends with her.

The Friday evening dinner had been a success and more Friday evening dinners at the Andersens followed, becoming a fixture in their weeks. They spoke with each other when he borrowed books from the library and on those Friday evenings, which meant that conversations never could get very deeply personal, but it did enable them to hold on to a tentative friendship.

Never far from Carson's mind, however, was the wish that one day Sara would let her guard down and let him in.


	15. The growing circle of acquaintances

**Warning: this chapter contains some abusive language!**

* * *

To continue protecting her heart from Carson Shepherd, Sara decided the time had come to get to know more people in town better. She spoke with Carson twice a week: when he came to the library and when she saw him at Friday night dinner. Even though they were never alone, she always felt that pull towards him that she so needed to resist and she needed to broaden her circle of acquaintances.

The sewing circle wasn't something she could do as she really did not enjoy sewing or many other handicrafts. She was friendly enough with visitors in the library, so that helped. She had also joined a ladies luncheon once, but they were linked to the church, she found out later, and the church was not something Sara felt comfortable with. During one Friday night dinner, at her own house for a change, with only the Andersens and Carson for guests, she mentioned that Roger Wells, who worked at the bank, had asked her out for a dinner date the next night. She carefully avoided looking towards Carson for any initial reaction and when she finally did look to him, he was already caught up in another conversation with Hans.

Working at the saloon she had regularly been asked out but she always avoided dates, she had no interest in most of the men she saw there. Also, she knew that there was no future for her with any of them and there just seemed no point. She had only said yes to Roger because he was one of the more persistent men asking her out, he was also one of the more respectable ones, he seemed friendly enough and she needed some distraction from constant thoughts of Carson. Also, she had seen Carson go out for lunch or dinner with Diana on occasion and she figured what he could do, she could do as well. Gossip in town about Carson and Diana was rife and for all she knew his feelings for Diana really could be changing. Diana herself told everyone who asked that she and Carson were just good friends and that any romantic relationship was out of the question, but everyone could also see her beaming when she went out to dinner with him and when she was hanging on his every word.

* * *

On Saturday evening, after sundown, Roger came to pick Sara up for dinner. He was the tall, dark, handsome type, in a way more her type than Carson was with his light brown hair and piercing blue eyes. They went to Abigail's for dinner and found that at the far side of the restaurant Carson and Diana were already enjoying a meal, thankfully not near where she and Roger were seated. Carson and Diana nodded to Roger and Sara in greeting and when taking a seat, Sara made sure to take the seat that had her back towards them. She didn't want to be distracted by them on her date.

She soon noticed that Roger was quite particular in how he liked things. The meat had to be cooked just so, he requested the best house wine and he inspected the cutlery on cleanliness before picking it up for his meal.

They had a perfectly nice conversation over dinner. Roger was also a recent resident of Hope Valley, he had arrived only a few weeks before she had, they found out. He was born in Edmonton, third generation Canadian and she found that the Wells family were a respectable, well-to-do family.

"Why didn't you decide to work in your father's bank in Edmonton?" Sara asked towards the end of the meal.

"That position is for my older brother, I need to make my way on my own," Roger smiled. "I worked at a branch in Union City for a while, but I want to build my own business."

"Out here in such a small place as Hope Valley?"

"With the oil here, I predict that Hope Valley will blossom. I just wanted to get in early on the business side of things," Roger said. "Business will start flooding here and they need a good bank to manage their funds, so here I am."

"That sounds smart," Sara smiled, as she laid down the cutlery after finishing her dinner.

"Yes, I just wanted to make sure I was in before the yids get here," he said, laying down his own cutlery.

Sara's eyes opened wide, had she heard him correctly? "Pardon?" she asked.

"Oh, you know, the yids are everywhere in the banking world, even in Edmonton and Union City. Too many of them, if you ask me. I checked and it looked like none of them had made it to Hope Valley yet, so here I am, taking the spot before that yid, Isaac Greenberg, snatches it away from me."

Sara's pulse started racing. How was it possible that in a town with no Jews the Jews were still hated?

She took a deep breath before asking what she in her heart knew would be better left unasked.

"Who is Isaac Greenberg?"

"He is this hot shot banker in Union City. He came there three or four years ago and is taking everything over. My father's company has a difficult time of it, keeping him at bay. He wants to expand and I know I can do better, so I expanded before him. That Jew will not get a foot in the door here in Hope Valley, I will make sure of that!"

Sara started shaking. "How… how will you make sure of that?"

"Here he doesn't have a Yiddish community to run to, so if he comes here, I'll make sure he's run out of town."

"Do you hate… all Jews or only Isaac Greenberg?"

"I don't hate the Jews, I just don't trust them as far as their crooked noses point."

Sara could hardly bear it any longer, she started perspiring and felt sick to her stomach. Roger, to his credit, noticed her paleness.

"Is everything alright? You look unwell. Here, have a glass of wine."

"No…. no thank you," Sara almost croaked, "Please, excuse me."

She stood up so quickly, her chair fell over, but she couldn't care about that as she rushed to the ladies' room. She had left Russia because of attitudes like Roger's, she had left New York because she didn't want to deal with such attitudes, but it didn't matter where she ran, hatred seemed to follow everywhere. She felt so sick, she actually threw up some of her dinner.

A knock on the door startled her.

"Sara? Are you in there? Are you alright?" a woman's voice asked. She wiped her mouth and composed herself as she exited the stall. The woman was Diana.

"I'll be alright," Sara weakly smiled as she went to wash her hands and face and rinse her mouth.

"We saw you jump up, we went to Roger to see what was happening and he said you weren't feeling well."

"It's just… I suddenly… I just felt sick to my stomach for a moment there."

"Carson asked me to see to you. Is there anything I can do?"

Sara closed her eyes for a moment, regaining her composure. She then turned to Diana.

"Could you tell Roger I needed to go home? I hope he'll understand."

"Of course, but you can't go alone in this state! Maybe he can see you home?"

"No!" Sara exclaimed, a little too quickly. "No, please, I wouldn't want him to see me like this. I'll just go out the back door and leave, alright?"

"Are you sure? I could come with you…"

"That's very sweet, Diana, but no thank you. I just need a little fresh air, I can walk home on my own."

"If you're sure…"

"I am."

"Alright. We'll check on you later."

"Please don't, I'm fine. Thank you, Diana."

"Alright. I'll tell the men. You be careful and have a good night."

Sara pressed Diana's hand, "Thank you," and left Abigail's via the back exit.

She didn't walk far when she heard her name being called out. It was Roger. She stopped, closed her eyes and steeled herself. When she turned around, she saw that Carson and Diana were with him.

Roger, in concern, came up to her.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"I just needed some fresh air and a lie down. I'll be fine," Sara answered.

Carson stepped in. "Was it the food?" he asked.

Sara looked him straight in the eye. "I'm fine Carson, I don't need a doctor."

"The food was very well-cooked, I don't think it was that," Roger offered.

"Maybe an allergic reaction?" Carson tried.

"It was nothing of the sort. Please go!" she begged him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to meddle," he said defensively, hands in the air, taking a step backwards.

"Well, you are meddling. Good night, doctor," and she turned to walk away.

"She seems very upset about something," she heard Diana say and Sara hastened her step because she didn't want to hear anything of what else they all had to say.

Roger caught up with her again.

"Sara, let me at least walk you home," he said.

"That isn't necessary, it's close by, just two streets down that way!"

"I picked you up, I'll see you home," he insisted.

She stopped in her tracks and turned to face him.

"Thank you for dinner, Roger. It was perfectly pleasant but some things we… talked about… I could not… Anyway, I thank you, but I think we should go our separate ways now."

"What on earth did I say?" he asked, all confused.

"I think we have very different… dispositions that are not compatible. Good night."

She turned and walked away and didn't bother to look around at his reaction or at Carson and Diana in the distance.

* * *

She half ran home, once inside she closed the door, locked it and leant against it. She was not used to making a scene like that, she was shaking, and a sob escaped her. She got herself a glass of water, put the kettle on and then changed into something more comfortable.

She couldn't bear the glare of any lights, so she lit two candles and sat down on her sofa, sipping her tea. She wondered why she had let Roger's words bother her so much. After all, he hadn't been talking about her. If he had known about who she really was, he would never have asked her out in the first place. And didn't she want to get away from all that, from her identity, and start something new? Then again, if she had really wanted to give up that part of her identity, then being with Carson would not have been a problem, he'd just never know, no one would know. No, she couldn't give up that part of her identity, she had become aware of that at the latest when she had confessed all to Ingrid. She had made up her mind that she would be fine about living incognito forever, with only Ingrid knowing, but now with all Roger had been saying, she felt guilty. She should have spoken up as soon as that awful word had come out of his mouth, but she didn't. She had betrayed herself and her people by letting him just spew his filth. And she had let it happen, because she didn't want anyone to find out about her. How cowardly was that?

Her reverie was interrupted by a knock on her front door. Her heart sank. After all that, Roger really wanted to do this? She probably owed him more of an explanation, but she just couldn't. The knock was repeated.

"Sara, are you there? It's me, Carson."

Carson. She sighed a breath of relief. She couldn't just brush him off, he was her friend.

She stood up and opened the door to him just as he knocked a third time.

"Hi," she said.

"I don't want to interfere, but as your doctor I just want to make sure you're alright."

"I'm alright."

"May I come in?"

"Carson…"

"Is your stomach still upset?"

"No."

"But_ you_ are still upset. What did he say to you?" Carson almost sounded angry, she'd never heard him sound like that before.

"Carson, please…" she said softly, trying to diffuse his anger.

"I asked him after you walked away. He said that he thought you'd been offended by something and he didn't know what…"

"No, he wouldn't know, because I didn't tell him…" Sara said bitterly.

"Maybe you should tell him, to clear the air and make you feel better," he carefully suggested.

"You think?" she belligerently asked.

Carson reached out and touched her arm.

"What can I do to help, Sara?"

Sara closed her eyes and bit her lip for a moment, then opened her eyes and pleadingly looked at him.

"Please, Carson," she said, "I need to… do this on my own. Thank you for your concern, I'd like to go to sleep now."

"Yes, get some sleep," he said and, to her great surprise, he stepped forward and pulled her into an embrace.

"I'm here for you if you need me," he whispered into her hair and then let her go. He said a quick "Good night, Sara" and was gone.

As she stepped inside, she realized that, yes, maybe Roger needed to know what had upset her, but she needed Carson to know more. And telling Carson would risk their friendship, it would risk everything.


	16. The honesty

Carson eyed Roger suspiciously for the next few days. What had he done to upset Sara so? He felt like punching him in the face for doing that to her. Diana had told him that she had heard Sara spitting up in the ladies' room. How could Roger not know what he had said to make her feel so ill? Surely if he himself ever said something that upsetting, he would know what it was about, right? Then again, Sara always seemed to be holding back and although he still longed to be close to her, he could not seem to break through that armour of hers. He found himself almost jealous with Roger for having found that chink in her armour, it formed a clue to her inner self, a clue he himself had not been able to find yet.

He wanted to go and see her on Sunday and on Monday, but she had made it clear she wanted to be left alone and he wanted to respect her boundaries. On Tuesday, during his lunch, he went to the library and saw her there, but they were never alone, so there was no opportunity to really speak.

When he got home at around 9 p.m. that evening from rounds to the outlying farms and an invitation to dinner, he found a note from Diana on his front door, telling him to go to the Jackson family home, Mrs Jackson was in labour.

When he arrived, a nervous Charles Jackson opened the door and led him to the bedroom. The scene he found before him made his heart skip a beat - there was Sara, talking Mary through her contractions. Unexpectedly seeing Sara always made his heart skip a beat.

The women didn't notice him immediately, so he could study them for a few moments. Sara had her sleeves rolled up, her braid thrown over the shoulder that was away from Mary, completely engrossed in the task of supporting Mary.

"You are fully dilated now, Mary, and will soon have to push," Sara told her as the contraction ended. At that moment Mary spotted Carson.

'Hi doc!" she said, her head bathed in sweat, her hand clutching Sara's, her other hand holding something else he couldn't quite make out yet. He saw Sara shock into an upright position and then turn to him.

"Mary, Sara," he said as he walked over. "How are we doing?"

"It's progressing very quickly," Sara immediately said. "She's only been in labour for 4 or 5 hours; her water has broken, and she is already fully dilated. I don't have a stethoscope so haven't been able to listen to the baby's heartbeat."

"I'll get on to that then," he said, just as another contraction started. Contractions were coming fast, by the look of it. He took out his stethoscope as he let Sara continue supporting Mary.

"Squeeze my hand and the ball of wool. Don't cramp up but focus the pain onto the wool and my hand and relax into the contraction. Allow it to take hold to push out the baby."

Squeeze the ball of wool, had he heard that correctly? He looked to what Mary was holding in her other hand and saw that it was indeed a ball of wool. Really? How would that help he wondered? Sara caught his sceptical look from the ball of wool to her. She shrugged and focused on Mary.

As the contraction ended, he listened to the heartbeat which was a bit high but strong. Even the baby was feeling the speed of this delivery. Carson checked the dilation and saw that indeed Mary would be ready to push. So, with the next contraction the first push happened. The baby came so fast that five minutes later, after two more contractions, it was born.

"It's a boy!" Carson happily announced but a few seconds later realized the baby wasn't drawing breath. He held the baby upside down and gave it a slap on the bottom. Nothing.

"What's the matter?" a very scared-sounding Mary asked.

Sara jumped up. "Carson, let me have the baby!" she demanded. The way she demanded it made him instinctively obey her. He cut the cord quickly and she quickly took the baby from him. She expertly wrapped a blanket around the boy, placed her hand on his head and bottom and in a measured movement tipped him over backwards until he was almost upside down, she blew breath into his mouth, and then rocked him back upwards. She did that two or three times and then to everyone's great relief a gurgle and then a loud cry could be heard. The baby was breathing.

Carson, in disbelief, couldn't take his eyes off Sara. She looked so professional, she seemed to know exactly what she was doing - he for one had never seen that technique before. He watched Sara lay the baby in his mother's arms. When she finally turned to look at him, Carson was knotting his eyebrows in confusion. If she really wasn't a nurse, was she a doctor, or an obstetrician? He almost missed the afterbirth because he couldn't take his eyes off her, wondering at all he was witnessing from her.

"Carson, the afterbirth," she had to say to him, before he took his attention off her and aimed it at the task at hand, while Sara busied herself with mother and son again.

After the afterbirth had been checked, Sara and Carson both helped take away the muddied sheet and clean Mary up a bit and made her comfortable. In the meantime, Mary's parents had also arrived from Union City and they and a very proud father Charles were let into the room by Sara to meet their baby boy which they would name Charley.

Leaving mother and son in the good hands of the family and with a promise to come and look in on them the next day, Carson led Sara out of the room and out of the house.

* * *

They at first walked in silence until Carson was the first to break it.

"Sara, I've never seen that technique before, getting the baby to breathe like that. Where did you learn that? And what was with the wool? You seem to know an awful lot about childbirth - are you an obstetrician?"

"No, I'm not," she simply said.

Carson couldn't take this secrecy anymore. He stopped in the street, grabbed her arm and turned her to him.

"OK, I've had enough of this evasiveness. Tell me!"

She looked him straight in the eye and sighed. "Alright," she said, "I will tell you everything, but not out here, inside."

"Alright, come with me," he said, almost angry, and marched to the infirmary with Sara almost running behind him to catch up. He'd just about had enough of her mysteriousness. Why was that necessary, he wondered? Was her secret really so deep and dark that she couldn't tell anyone? What had she done to make the secrecy so necessary?

Once inside the infirmary with the door closed behind them, he dropped his bag to the floor, shook off his coat and turned to face her without a word. He slowly folded his arms and just looked at her, standing with her back to the door. He almost regretted his abruptness, she looked a little lost standing there, undoubtedly not knowing where to begin.

She then stepped forward, took off her wrap and slowly folded it over Diana's receptionist chair. She walked over to him and touched his folded arms.

"When I tell you, Carson, you will start seeing me in a very different light. I haven't told you before because I… like that you like me, I like our friendship and I don't want that to change."

"Your secrecy is spoiling this friendship, nothing else," he said, still a little angry but faltering as well because of her closeness to him. Other than the embrace the other night at her door he hadn't been this close to her since they had kissed and embraced the day after that when they had become 'just friends'. This time it was her choice to stand close to him, which unsettled him.

"Yes, my secrets are driving a wedge now, I can see that too..." she said, studying his eyes, just as he couldn't drag his eyes away from hers, "which is why the time has come for me to tell you that… that I am…" and then her words faltered.

It was like they were caught in some sort of no man's land, the world around them completely disappearing as they were just standing there gazing into each other's eyes. The air was thick between them and then the impossible happened. She whispered, "bugger all", tiptoed and planted a kiss square on his lips. It wasn't a peck, but a real kiss that lingered for a moment, taking him by surprise. Despite the unexpectedness, his instincts immediately kicked in and he responded to her almost instantly, his lips answering her call with kisses of his own.

After a few glorious, heart soaring moments, she broke the kiss and lowered herself. They looked at each other in silence for a second before he just couldn't help himself and he drew her into his arms. All his defences were gone and hers too by the looks of it, she was in his arms and she let him kiss her again, responding as enthusiastically to his kisses as he was giving them to her. This. This is what he wanted with her. She felt so right in his arms!

He didn't know how long they kissed. It felt like an eternity and yet, when she pulled back, it was over all too soon.

"I… needed to do this before… before everything will change between us…" she whispered.

"Nothing you can say…"

"Ssh!" she said and captured his lips in another kiss. He tightened his hold on her again but this time he was aware of the briefness of the kiss as she soon pulled away and stepped out of his arms.

He was still a little stunned as she walked behind Diana's desk, no doubt putting an obstacle between them on purpose.

"Sara...", he began, a little hoarsely, heart still racing after all that had transpired in the past few minutes.

"No, please, Carson," she interrupted, "I'd like to speak and I'd like for you to hear me out without interruption."

Carson regained his composure and nodded.

Sara looked down to her hands she was clasping, she took a deep breath, then looked him straight in the eye again.

"There are two things you should know about me, Carson." She took a deep breath before she continued.

"First of all, you are right, I do have medical training. I am a midwife."

Carson's eyebrows shot up in surprise, but he said nothing as she quickly continued.

"I know how midwives are seen over here, as quacks, women who possibly know a little more than average women about childbirth but who endanger women and babies more than they help them. They give dangerous advice, they have no training, they are only good enough to be present at the start of the birth but as soon as a doctor arrives, they must defer to the doctor. Midwives propagate risky home-births and are a danger to society. Did I summarize correctly?"

"Yes," Carson nodded, "that is the general view."

"To be fair, in Russia some doctors think that too, but we have midwifery schools, midwives work in hospitals as well, and are not the "untrained quacks" that they are thought to be here. In my experience, midwives here want to be trained but they are not allowed to, so yes, many midwives here will not be as well-trained as the ones from Russia. I have had to fight against this prejudice against midwives for eight years in New York and I was so tired of it. I just decided I didn't want that anymore and came out west where no one knew me. I thought I could start a new life and not be a midwife anymore. If no one knew me as one, I would not be called upon as one and a doctor's opinion of me - which is always very important in a small town - would not contaminate my reputation. I didn't realize that I would be drawn back into it like I have been with Ingrid and now Mary. I couldn't tell you I was a midwife, Carson. I couldn't take the negative fallout I would get."

"What makes you think I would have judged you for being that?"

"Well, wouldn't you? What is your opinion of midwives?"

"My experience of them is that they are meddling, older women who through their ignorance of medical matters can endanger the lives of mother and child…"

"Then I was right to not tell you."

"... but if you had explained your situation and your training to me, I would have given you a chance to prove yourself. I was impressed with how you had treated Ingrid and Kirsten, you could have told me that morning as we walked home."

"I didn't know you that well, I didn't know if I could trust you."

"Fair enough, but you got to know me better, why not tell me later, why the long secrecy?"

"I was afraid…"

"Of me?"

"If I have learned anything about you, Dr. Shepherd, it is that you hold strong medical opinions. I was afraid of your damning opinion of midwives and I… like you. I didn't want to feel condemned by you."

"I could never condemn you, Sara," he said softly.

"Are you sure?"

"Why?"

"There is more to tell you…" and she remained silent for a while.

"Yes?" he encouraged her.

"You wondered why I was so upset with Roger last Saturday? He was talking about a banking rival of his. He called him a… a yid and he told me how he would run him out of town should he ever make his appearance here."

Carson looked at her, uncomprehending. "That doesn't sound friendly, no, but why would it upset you so?"

"The word yid upset me and the way he said it. He used it repeatedly."

Carson still didn't understand what she was trying to say.

"Carson, I am Jewish," she finally said.

He couldn't quite comprehend and frowned, "You are what?"

"Jewish. I am Jewish. And I have faced hatred for being that all my life. Words like "yid" exemplify that hatred and words such as those are very painful. In Kiev, Gabriel didn't just die during a random riot. He was targeted for being Jewish, the bookstore he worked at was targeted in the pogroms of 1905."

"Pogroms?"

"Hate mobs murdering Jews. Gabriel was dragged out of the store he worked at and killed in the street. The bookstore was trashed. I couldn't bear staying in Kiev anymore after that, so we came to America. I thought things would be better in America. To a certain extent they were, we felt much safer. We lived in a Jewish community and that was good. But outside of the community we were still hated. Not as openly as in Kiev, they didn't kill us or hunt us, but they still hated us. I was hated by the medical establishment for being a midwife and by everyone else for being Jewish."

Sara stopped her confession and tried to gauge the effect on Carson. He remained silent for a while, looking at her, frowning and trying to take it all in. Sara was Jewish?

"But you aren't a practicing Jew?" he then asked.

Sara rubbed her forehead. "I am not strictly observant, but I do observe some of the religious customs and holidays."

"Why would you hide that you are a Jew?"

"Would we have become… friendly if you had known?" Sara didn't wait for an answer to that question and quickly continued. "I hid my Jewishness for the same reason I didn't want to tell anyone I was a midwife. I was tired of being judged and hated. I wanted to feel what it is to be free and liked for me."

"How can you be liked for you if you don't show who you are?"

"That is what I am finding out now."

He stared at her. "You're Jewish…"

"Yes."

"I don't think I've ever really known a Jewish person."

"You do now."

She was studying him closely and he felt uneasy in the spotlight of her eyes. Jews were just people like anyone else, he knew that. But this was Sara. He realized now that he had hopes for her… and that meant that she could not be Jewish… what kind of future could they have if she was Jewish?

"And your faith… it is important to you?"

"Yes. I didn't know how important until Roger said that word. I felt defensive of my faith, my heritage, my family and friends."

"What does that mean? Will you go back to your community?"

Sara looked a bit taken aback. "I don't know, Carson, I haven't thought that far ahead yet. I thought I was finding my life here, but maybe that was a rash thought."

Carson felt his thoughts tumbling incoherently around his head. The midwife thing was confusing enough but he could live with that, she was quite obviously a very good midwife and he had heard of midwives from Europe who were properly, medically trained. Her being Jewish, however, had even more implications and he couldn't quite oversee what they were. And could he even understand what being Jewish meant to her? His heart ached for what she had suffered for it. Maybe it would be a relief if she could lay down that burden and not be Jewish anymore? His eyes found hers again and he saw hers were glistening.

"Things really have changed now, haven't they?" she said softly.

Carson didn't know how to respond to that.

Sara slowly gathered her coat, put it on and moved towards the door. That shocked him into action.

"We can't just leave it like this…" he started as he moved towards her.

"We can for tonight. I think we both need a little time to think… Good night, Carson."

She walked out the door and left him with his confused thoughts.


	17. The head's victory

He knew now. Carson knew. He had been in shock when she told him he was a midwife, but the shock seemed even greater when she told him she was Jewish. He had asked if her faith was important to her, as if she could just lay it down. Would he want her to become a Christian? She knew she could never do that, and she knew she could never ask him to convert to the Jewish faith. The latter would be very difficult anyhow, it was a long and difficult process for anyone to convert to Judaism. But she didn't want to give up any of her identity and she would never ask him to do so. What was she even doing, thinking of Carson this way? He was a goy, she always knew there would be no future with him, despite the kisses! She had never before even considered a goy as someone she could fall in… be interested in! And yet...

Carson would maybe be able to accept she was a midwife, that part was a relief, but he would never be able to accept her Jewishness. She was glad they had kissed before he knew, before his image of her became tainted. Oh, the kisses, how wonderful they had been! But they would now forever have to be a very bittersweet memory. Sense had prevailed and her head had overruled her heart, and that was the right thing, for everyone, she just knew that it was!

She barely slept and the next morning she was back at the library. It was good to have the distraction. Elizabeth's class would be coming by for a story and lending of books, that would keep her occupied.

At lunchtime she walked over to the Jackson house, she wanted to check on Mary and the baby. Just as she was about to knock on the door, the door opened, and she stood face to face with Carson. They both paled in shock and for a few moments could only stare at each other.

"Good afternoon, Carson," Sara was the first to speak.

"Hello," he answered. "Checking on your patient?" he then asked. Did he sound slightly bitter?

Sara squared her shoulders. She was used to doctors who didn't like midwives and she wouldn't be deterred.

"Yes. Just like you are, by the looks of it. How are they doing?"

"Very well. Mary and the baby are about to take a nap."

"Then I'd better get in there quickly."

"I'm not sure what else you could check, I have checked everything already."

"Being a midwife is not only about the medical check, it is all about the attention and support to a new mother and her baby as well," she said, a line that she must have used a hundred times before.

She then frowned looking at him. Was his annoyance making way for amusement?

"I can see you are used to fending off doctors," he said with a little smile playing on his lips. She resisted the urge to stare at his mouth.

"Have a good visit," he then said and passed her as he made his way out.

When she came inside, Charles was standing there, he must have overheard the whole exchange.

"You are a midwife?" he asked.

She considered her answer for a moment and then decided that if the town doctor knew, there was no point in hiding that fact anymore. "Yes, I was a midwife in Russia and in New York for many years, but now I'm the town librarian, and apparently a midwife on the side."

"That's good to know and explains a lot," Charles grinned and showed her in to Mary and Charley.

* * *

By the time she went to the saloon for a meal that evening, word had gotten around.

As she came in, she was greeted by Lucas with a huge grin.

"You are a midwife?" he asked, "Does that mean I need to search for a new librarian?"

Sara laughed. "No. And I think our town doctor will continue assisting with most of the births".

"You know you'll have to tell me all about that now, don't you? Why don't I buy you dinner and you can tell me the whole midwife story?"

"Alright," she smiled, she was relieved actually that that secret was out. The secret that she was Jewish, however, she would keep to herself a little longer. Going by how Carson had reacted, she was sure other reactions would be even more damning. It was enough for now that only Ingrid, Hans and Carson knew.

* * *

The next evening, after she closed the library, Sara borrowed Lucas's horse Sheba and rode out to Hans and Ingrid. There she told them about telling Carson her secrets. She didn't mention the kissing and the drama, she did mention that Carson now knew and didn't seem so pleased.

"He may be skipping Friday dinner because of me," Sara said, "I think you should know that."

"Maybe we should make a point of inviting him to Friday dinner and for once, you can say your candle and bread and wine blessings out loud. You know, teach him that the world won't explode, just because you're Jewish," Ingrid smiled. "I'd love to hear you say those blessings out loud myself and see you do it the official way for a change."

"Who made you so tolerant of this?" Sara asked, moved to tears.

"I think you did. You are my first real friend here and I don't want to lose that. I love how honest you were with me and I just never knew Jews before, so I couldn't think of them as good or evil. Knowing you, I tend to think of them as good."

Sara smiled, "There are good Jews and bad Jews, just like there are good Christians and bad Christians…"

"Exactly, every person needs to be judged on their own merits, it's what my father always told me when I was growing up."

"You had a good father."

"That I did."

"So, I will go by Carson's tomorrow and insist he come this Friday and if that is too soon, I'll insist he come next Friday, and we'll take it from there."

"Thank you, Ingrid," Sara said and hugged her friend. "If there is anything I can ever do for you…"

"Are you kidding? This is the least I can do for you, after you saved my life, my baby and all the help you have given me!"

"In Judaism, we call what you are doing for me a 'mitzvah', a good deed. Thank you!"

"I think you have already done many… mitzvahs for me…" Ingrid grinned.

"You're not going to convert to Judaism now, are you," Hans asked, a little worried.

Ingrid laughed, "Nah, I'm not there yet."

And Sarah added, "It would take years anyhow and we don't have a rabbi with whom she could take lessons or a mikveh (a ritual bath) here, so it's out of the question that she can be Jewish any time soon."

"That's a relief," Hans grinned, "But you be as Jewish as you want to be, Sara!"

And they all laughed.

* * *

The next day in the afternoon, Ingrid dropped by the library.

"I've convinced him to come," she whispered to Sara.

"How did he react?" Sara murmured back.

"Seemed a little stunned that I knew about you and was a little abrupt, but he said he'd 'come and see' and wouldn't make promises on how long he'd stay." Ingrid paused a moment.

"What?" Sara asked.

"Well, he seems angrier than I expected him to be…"

"Yes…"

"There's something sizzling between you two."

"Not here, I'll come early on Friday and tell you then."

Ingrid grinned. "OK, looking forward to it!"

Kirsten started fussing a bit in her stroller, so Ingrid decided to leave, but not without leaving Sara with a wink.

* * *

As she closed the library late that afternoon and looked around, she saw that the lights were still burning at the infirmary. Should she? Yes, she should, Sara decided, it would be good to clear the air a bit if possible before they saw each other at the Andersens.

Sara walked over and knocked on the door. Diana answered.

"Oh, hello Sara! What can I do for you? We were closing up, but if it's an emergency…"

"No, no emergency, I was just looking for Carson."

"Come on in!"

When she stepped inside, Carson was already standing, awaiting her, no doubt having heard her at the door. Before he could say anything, she turned to Diana.

"Diana, I think you may have heard by now...talk is all over town… that I'm a trained…."

"Midwife! Yes, I heard. A little competition for our doctor here, eh?"

"No! No competition! I'm the librarian now but in case of emergencies… or need… I can always help out. I don't want to be in the way and I won't be starting my own practice or anything. Just so you know, there are no worries there."

"But why keep it a secret?"

"Because I wanted to start anew…"

"And because midwives tend to have bad reputations in the medical world," Carson added.

Sara turned to him. "That too."

"Miss Kaminsky here is apparently a woman of mystery."

Sara narrowed her eyes at him, and he frowned at her.

Diana, uncomfortable with the tension said, "Oh well, we know now, that's good, right?"

"Right," Carson said, still frowning.

"Carson, could we speak in private please?" Sara asked.

"Of course, this way," he said and led her out the backdoor into the backyard.

Once in the backyard she swung towards him.

"Carson, I'm so sorry… I didn't think you'd be so…" she began but he interrupted her.

"Ingrid knows? When did you tell her?"

"That day when I'd gone off on Sheba and you wanted to send a search party…"

"So, the day after we kissed. The day we said we would be good friends, that day?"

"Yes."

"Why tell her and not me, as your good friend?"

"Carson, I don't know, I just…"

"No, I think you do know. Why tell her but wait so long to tell me?"

"Because, with her, I hoped she would understand… it felt less risky…"

"And you thought I wouldn't understand?"

"To be honest, no, I didn't think you would!" Sara exclaimed, her anger now also rising.

"Well, that was wrong. I deal with all sorts of people with all sorts of problems every day. I think I could've understood your story too."

"Well, you're not being entirely understanding right now and you're angry!"

"I'm not angry because of the message, I'm angry about the distrust. What have I done that you should distrust me so?"

"I don't distrust you… not anymore… Previous experience has made me distrustful and I'm so sorry. Maybe it wasn't the right choice… but right then it felt like the only choice to me… I may have been wrong…"

"How long has Lucas known?"

"He only knows the midwife story, I told him the other day when the gossip started."

"He doesn't know about… the other thing?"

"It's called being Jewish, Carson. And no, he doesn't know that yet, because that will surely throw animosity my way that I don't want to deal with right now."

"From Lucas?"

"From everyone… even you…"

He looked at her long and hard and she returned his stare calmly. She waited for him to speak.

"Alright. Alright. I've said what I needed to…" he finally said.

"Do you hate me now or can you bring yourself to join the Andersen's and me for dinner?"

"I don't hate you, Sara. It's just a lot to deal with."

"I know."

"Ingrid insisted I come for dinner, though I'm not sure why."

"For me the sabbath, our resting day, starts on Friday evening and I want to share the beginning of Shabbat with all of you. I want to show you a little of what my faith entails…"

"You're not trying to convert me, are you?"

"No, conversion is not so much a Jewish issue… I just want to share and make you understand where I'm coming from."

"From a different world not compatible with mine…" he said softly.

"Yes," she replied.

"I'll see you tomorrow then."

Sara smiled, "Tomorrow. And bring your guitar"


	18. The Friday dinner

On Friday evening Sara answered the Andersen's door when he knocked.

"Good evening, Carson, welcome!" she smiled at him and all apprehension he felt just melted away.

Yes, he and Sara really were from different worlds, but he still really liked her.

"Thank you for stopping by the infirmary yesterday, Sara. It made my coming here easier tonight."

"I'm glad," she smiled and took his coat.

He came inside and the table was all set. After a little chatter, and with Kirsten settled in the stroller, Sara then began what she had wanted to show him and the Andersens.

"Every Friday evening, when the sun sets, the Sabbath begins. We call it Shabbat. Shabbat is something you celebrate with family, friends, loved ones. I started coming here on Friday evenings and secretly, in my mind, I would perform these rituals. I am so happy that I can now perform them properly, out loud, with all of you. I have two candles here, and the ceremony starts with the lighting of these Shabat candles."

Sara then slowly and gracefully lit the two candles on the table. He recognized the movements, had seen her do it many Friday evenings, but he had just never made the connection that this was part of a ritual. He exchanged glances with Ingrid and Hans, they too had that moment of recognition.

Sara then circled her hands three times over the candles, covered her eyes and recited some lines in Hebrew, "Baruch ata Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, asher kidshanu b'mitzvotav vitzivanu l'hadlik ner shel Shabbat."

She stepped back and her eyes shimmering she said, "That means 'Blessed are You, God, Ruler of the universe, who sanctified us with the commandment of lighting Shabbat candles.'"

She then took up a silver cup filled with wine.

"This following blessing is called Kiddush and is a blessing for the wine... Baruch ata Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, boreh p'ri hagafen. Amen."

She then took a sip and offered it to Hans who was standing next to her. "You can take a sip and pass it along." While they were passing along the cup of wine, Sara explained, "This prayer means 'Blessed are You, God, Ruler of the universe, who creates the fruit of the vine.'"

Sara then moved over to the side of the table where a small pitcher and bowl were placed. She let water run over each hand twice and said another blessing, "Baruch ata Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, asher kidshanu b'mitzvotav vitzivanu al n'tilat yadayim. This means 'Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe, who has sanctified us with Your commandments, and command us concerning the washing of the hands'."

Sara then invited everyone to sit down at the table. They did so and she then took the cover off a plate, underneath it was the braided bread that she had baked for many a Friday evening.

"This is a traditional bread always baked for Shabbat," she said, looking around a little sheepishly. "You may all have thought that it is a Russian bread, but it's a bread Jews bake everywhere, not just in Russia. We call it 'challah'. Before we eat the bread there is a last blessing to say… Baruch ata Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, hamotzi lechem min ha'aretz. This means 'Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe, who has brought forth bread from the earth'."

Sara then broke off a piece of bread, salted it and passed the bread along for everyone to break a piece off of.

"And now, after all these blessings we can finally just enjoy the meal," she smiled.

"And Jews do this every Friday evening?" Hans asked.

"Yes, if they can," Sara smiled. "I've been doing it in my head and have skipped the hand washing."

"That was really beautiful, Sara. Especially the candle ceremony but also the feel of… togetherness, of community, it's so beautiful," Ingrid said.

"Thank you for giving me the opportunity to do this again and to share it with you."

Carson felt very moved by what he had just witnessed. The way Sara did all these rituals looked graceful, her voice was soft and filled with kindness, her movements measured. She had been doing these rituals ever since she could remember, he realized, and they were second nature to her. He was moved beyond words and when Sara looked at him across the table for a reaction, all he managed to say was, "Thank you."

She smiled, nodded and then proceeded to pass around the potatoes for all of them to take their portions.

As they were eating, Ingrid said, "We have nothing like that in Christianity to welcome the Sunday. It almost seems a pity."

"But we do pass wine around," Carson added. "In church on Sunday."

"You do?" Sara asked.

"Yes, you should come sometime, and we can explain some of our faith to you."

Sara looked a little taken aback.

"Me? Go to church?"

"Why not?" Hans asked.

"In Russia a lot of hatred against the Jews was preached in church. We are seen as the murderers of your messiah and many Jews have been killed because of it, also in my hometown of Kiev," Sara said softly, a brief flash of pain crossing her expression. She must be thinking of Gabriel, he thought, and suddenly it became crystal clear to him why she was so wary of the church and of Christians.

"Well, didn't the Jews murder Jesus then?" Hans asked.

"Hans!" Ingrid hissed, undoubtedly also understanding the difficult meaning of the church to Sara.

"Actually, no, I think the Romans killed Jesus. Pontius Pilate was a Roman," Carson interjected, feeling like he needed to come to Sara's aid.

That had the table silent for a few moments and Carson caught Sara's surprised glance in his direction. No doubt she was surprised that he had jumped to her defence and she gave him a little nod of the head in thanks.

"When you're ready, come to church with us, Sara. Here it may not be as bad as you think," he then said.

"As long as no one tries to convert me, I might consider it," she smiled and the conversation turned to other subject matters.

After dinner when all was cleared, Carson sat down on the sofa and started strumming his guitar. Ingrid was discreetly breastfeeding Kirsten in a corner, Hans planted himself into an armchair and Sara was left to share the sofa with Carson.

"You asked me to bring my guitar for a special reason?" he then asked.

"One of the reasons why I loved when you first brought your guitar to Friday dinners is that singing is always a big part of Shabbat. Either at the dinner table or afterwards, there are a lot of songs we sing together. It conveys the joy of having the sabbath arrive. They can be songs about Shabbat or really any songs that seem fun or fitting. I thought maybe I could teach you all one or two such songs…"

"Now, that sounds lovely!" Ingrid enthused. "Maybe start with something not too lively, as this little one is still drinking?"

"Alright," Sara smiled, "We'll do Oseh Shalom."

She sang the song twice, it really had a basic short lyric with certain phrases repeated over and over, the melody was simple and pure. It went:

_Oseh shalom bimromav  
Hu ya'aseh shalom aleinu  
__V'al kol Yisrael  
__V'imru, imru: amen.  
Y__a'aseh shalom  
ya'aseh shalom  
__shalom aleinu  
__V'al kol Yisrael_

"It means: 'May the one who creates peace on high, bring peace to us all and to all Israel. And we say: Amen," Sara said.

It took a little while to get the hang of the words, but finally it all came together, and the house was filled with this Hebrew song.

When the evening ended, Sara embraced Ingrid and Hans very tightly, thanking them for this opportunity.

Carson had come out on his horse and Sarah was on horseback as well. They rode back into town again, mostly in silence. They took the horses to the stables and then Carson walked her home.

It was only at her doorstep that they referenced the evening.

"Thank you so much for coming and sharing this with me, Carson," Sara said sincerely.

"Tonight was beautiful, Sara. I wasn't sure what to expect but the warmth and enthusiasm of your celebration were beautiful," he gazed into her eyes as he said that. Not only the ceremony had been beautiful, Sara had glowed and looked at peace and that made her look breath-taking to him. She may be Jewish, and they may live in different worlds, yet he still wanted to kiss her.

"Tomorrow evening I will be doing the Havdalah ceremony, the end of Shabbat, if you would like to join me," she said softly.

"Just me?" he asked, almost praying for her to say yes.

"Erm… well I… erm… alright. Tomorrow at sunset, then," she said and then quickly added, "Good night, Carson" and disappeared into her house.

He shouldn't be seeking her out if she couldn't be a Christian, there just was no way they could have any future together. He would never become Jewish and he too knew all too well the prejudices Jews had to deal with. Heck, until tonight he had never heard a Jewish prayer or blessing before! Did he really want to be with someone who held on to her Jewish faith so? And yet, the more he knew her, the more he wanted to be near her, even with all her secrets, or maybe because of them, because she had finally opened up to him. That moment when she had lit the candles and moved her hands in circles and said that prayer - she had never looked more beautiful. So open, so vulnerable, the soft light flickering around her braid that was slung forward over one shoulder.

So, the next evening he would be going to her for dinner - all alone, with no one else around.

"Dear Lord, help me to resist her and survive that!" he whispered to the heavens. Of course, he could cancel the visit, to resist any temptation but the past evening had him longing for more Sara, open to him at last. Wild horses wouldn't be able to keep him away from her.


	19. The private evening

Good Lord, what had she been thinking, inviting him over for Havdalah! Was she crazy to ask him over for a private evening like that? And yet, the warmth Carson emanated, the way he had looked at her throughout the Shabbat celebration, the way they had sung together after dinner, and a Hebrew song to boot… it filled her heart with joy and, yes, she couldn't resist it any longer: it filled her heart with love. He had thanked her so sincerely for the Shabbat celebration, the invitation for Havdalah had just popped out before she could even think! She considered for a split second to also invite the Andersens, but the next moment that thought was abandoned. She and Carson were hardly ever alone anywhere and the opportunity to be alone with him was just too good to pass up. But he was a goy! There could be no future with a goy. What would her brother say to this? He would tell her she was mad and that there are enough very nice Jewish bachelors out there. But she hadn't felt like this before for anyone. Gabriel, the love of her life till now, almost felt like puppy love in comparison to what she felt for Carson. What would she do? How could she resist him? She decided she would cross that bridge when she got there.

He arrived for Havdalah, the sun had already set, and when he came inside, she told him that before performing Havdalah they would have to wait for the first 3 stars to arrive in the night sky. With something to drink in hand they stepped into Sara's backyard and looked up to the sky.

"Do you always, do that, wait for the stars?"

"Not usually but sometimes. Usually it's about an hour after the sun sets that the time is right, but it's nice to go out and look at the stars on occasion."

"That really is nice," he smiled down at her.

Their eyes locked in a gaze for a moment and then they both quickly broke the look and looked up to the sky again. She resisted the urge to lean against him or take his hand. After a little while Carson cleared his throat.

"There, I think they're there," he said.

"Yes," she answered softly, heart beating fast with emotion. Being so near him yet not near him was almost unbearable. "Let's go inside," she quickly added.

On the table all the attributes for Havdalah were awaiting them.

"Havdalah means separation," Sara said, "as we separate the Sabbath from the week."

She poured the wine into the silver cup she had also used the night before and then said the blessing.

"Barukh atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melech ha'olam borei p'ri hagafen - Amen. That means 'Blessed are you, Lord, our God, King of the universe who creates the fruit of the vine'."

"That's the same blessing as yesterday, right?"

"Yes, it is," she smiled, as she set down the wine and picked up a container with fragrant spices

"The second prayer is for the spices," Sara said, "it soothes us for the loss over the special Sabbath spirit... Barukh atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melech ha'olam, borei minei v'samim - Amen. This means 'Blessed are you, Lord, our God, King of the universe, who creates varieties of spices'."

Sara smelled the spices in the little silver box and handed it to Carson to smell as well before he then set it on the table.

"The third blessing is for the light," Sara said as she picked up the candle with six thin wicks braided together into one candle.

"That's an interesting looking candle," Carson said.

Sara smiled, "I took a few with me when I left New York and my brother has been sending me some. Six wicks for the days of the upcoming week."

Sara lit the candle, set the candle on the table and said the blessing, "Barukh atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melech ha'olam borei m'orei ha'eish - Amen. That means, ' Blessed are you, Lord, our God, King of the universe who creates the light of the fire."

She then cupped her hands on two sides of the flame and took a moment to study the reflection of the light on her fingernails.

"And the final blessing," she said, holding her hands over the cup of wine. "Barukh atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melech ha'olam hamav'dil bein kodesh l'chol bein or l'choshekh, bein Yis'ra'eil la'amim, bein yom hash'vi'i l'sheishet y'mei hama'aseh. Barukh atah Adonai, hamav'dil bein kodesh l'chol - Amen. And that means, 'Blessed are you, Lord, our God, King of the universe who separates between sacred and secular, between light and darkness, between Israel and the nations, between the seventh day and the six days of labour. Blessed are You, Lord, who separates between sacred and secular'."

She then started singing a short repetitive song, singing the words "Shavuah tov" four times and "A gut' Woch'" four times.

"That means 'Have a good week'," she explained to Carson and also explained that the last part was Yiddish, something she had spoken at home in Kiev quite a lot.

"These blessings and little ceremonies are very nice," Carson smiled, as they sat down for dinner.

"I'm happy to be able share them for a change," Sara smiled in response. "I didn't know how much I missed sharing them with others until I came here. Thank you for letting me do that."

"Tell me about your life in Kiev and how you came to be a midwife. You gave me the short version a while ago, I'd like the longer version if you'd care to share." And so Sara did.

She told him about how her mother and siblings becoming ill had interested her in healthcare and how over time her father let her help in the maternity ward of the hospital he worked at. She never wanted to be a doctor, with the long medical training that went with it, she always just wanted to help mothers and babies and so the midwifery started. Her father paid for training and she didn't look back after that. Carson had never considered midwifery as a serious profession before and was intrigued. Midwifery was more than medical monitoring, it was also, or maybe especially, about advising young mothers, reassuring them and helping them through the first troubles of motherhood.

"Maybe, if I see more of how you work, we could use a real trained midwife such as yourself in this community. Don't you regret letting that go?"

"I do, a little, but in honesty, I was happy to be free of the responsibility for a while and the recrimination from other medical professionals and the trouble in some homes. Not all babies are born into happy, loving homes and that is very difficult to see sometimes."

"Yes, I can understand that," Carson nodded. "I see my fair share of situations like that as well."

"I'm sure you do, I'm sorry" Sara said.

"It goes with the territory, I suppose," he said a little grimly.

"But hey, if I can cheer you up with my meddling midwifery ways, then I'll be happy to do a bit of that on the side," Sara joked, trying to brighten the mood.

Carson grinned and Sara got up to clear the table. Carson helped and insisted on helping with the dishes as well. It all felt very domestic and homely, being able to do that together.

After dinner they sat down with some tea on the sofa and conversation grew very serious. Carson asked about Gabriel and she told him of his kind heart, his warm brown eyes, his humour, his dreams, how he was reviled for being Jewish, just like she was and any other Jew in Kiev, and how his murder had broken her heart. No one was ever brought to justice for it, and that also still hurt.

Carson reached to cover her hand during the tale, which strangely gave her more comfort than she had ever expected. Sara in turn asked Carson about Amber. He told her how happy they had been, how warm and giving she had been, how they wanted children but didn't seem to be able to have any, how she then became ill, how she died and how he felt responsible. At the end of his tale she was the one covering his hand.

"Life has so many challenges which can be so difficult to overcome," Sara said softly, "but we deal, and it makes us stronger."

"Yes," Carson said, studying her.

Sara understood his meaning: she was his latest challenge. They looked at each other in silence and Sara again felt that pull to Carson, wanting to be in his arms, wanting to feel his lips on hers again. She could hardly bear it and looked down at their touching hands. She withdrew her hand from his and he in turn cleared his throat when he said, "I think I'd better go now."

Sara hated to admit it, but he was right.

At the door, he said, "Thank you for a beautiful evening."

"Thank you too," she smiled a little shakily.

He seemed to hesitate for a moment and then pulled her right into an embrace. She melted against him, almost relieved to finally feel him so close again. They embraced longer than strictly necessary and then he suddenly, abruptly let her go, whispering, "Good night, Sara." He walked out the door without a glance backwards.

Sara leaned with her back against the door for a little while, trying to make sense of it all. The things they had talked about that evening - they were getting too close and that would just complicate everything! And yet, Sara was grateful for all they had shared with each other.

She was startled out of her thoughts by a sudden knock on the door. When she opened it, there stood Carson again, looking restless.

"Come to church with me tomorrow," he said simply.

Sara was taken aback. "Pardon?"

"Come to church with me."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I think you and I need a little distance."

"Come to church with me," he repeated.

"Carson…"

"Please."

"I won't convert to Christianity. This evening and yesterday evening were about showing you how much my faith means to me. I won't convert…"

"I'm not asking you to convert, I am only asking you to come with me."

"And then what?"

"Then nothing. I just want to show you a little of my faith, just like you showed me yours."

She paused. She could hardly deny him that.

"But once I go, people will find it strange if I don't go again."

"Let them think what they will. I won't care if you won't."

"It's very difficult for me to enter a church, Carson. The church and Jews don't go together well."

"I just want to show you my faith, Sara, that is all. Please come with me."

She stared at him, fighting her inner demons and he stared at her, his eyes pleading.

"Alright," she finally said. "Tomorrow."

"I'll pick you up at 9.30," Carson smiled, clearly relieved, and wished her a renewed good night.

What was she getting herself into? The more she learned about Carson, the closer they became, the more she cared. She was wading into very dangerous territory.


	20. The church service

She was right, they were getting too close, but Carson had been so moved about Sara sharing her sabbath rituals and he realized that if he was clueless about her faith, she might be clueless about his. They had shared so much the evening before, he wanted to share the church service with her.

He came across Ingrid and Hans with baby Kirsten the next morning and asked them to accompany him as he picked up Sara. He hoped in that way that there would be less town gossip when everyone saw Sara came to church with him. Sara was pleasantly surprised to find the Andersens at her door as well. As much as Carson wanted to be the one to accompany Sara and have her arm in his, it made more sense that she walk with Ingrid and the baby, while he trailed behind with Hans.

Sara was warmly welcomed by the townspeople waiting for the service to begin. Roger was there too. Sara, who was standing next to Carson, tensed when she saw him but other than a nod of the head he did not come over to talk to her.

As they walked into church Carson whispered to Sara, "Have you talked to Roger since that night?"

"I wrote him a letter, telling him that I couldn't see him anymore because of personal reasons but that I wished him well. He never responded but he does still greet me, albeit from afar."

During the service Sara was seated between Carson and Ingrid. She stood at the right moments, with interest read the hymns and tried singing along.

The first reading was from the Old Testament, Exodus 20:1-7:

_And God spake all these words, saying,  
__2 __I am the Lord thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.  
__3 __Thou shalt have no other gods before me.  
__4 __Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.  
__5 __Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;  
__6 __And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.  
__7 __Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain._

Sara looked to Carson with a big smile on her face when that reading finished.

"That is from the Torah," she whispered and when he didn't understand, she explained, "The first 5 books of your bible, that much I do know."

The second reading was from the Gospel of Matthew 13:18-23

_18 __Hear ye therefore the parable of the sower.  
__19 __When any one heareth the word of the kingdom, and understandeth it not, then cometh the wicked one, and catcheth away that which was sown in his heart. This is he which received seed by the way side.  
__20 __But he that received the seed into stony places, the same is he that heareth the word, and anon with joy receiveth it;  
__21 __Yet hath he not root in himself, but dureth for a while: for when tribulation or persecution ariseth because of the word, by and by he is offended.  
__22 __He also that received seed among the thorns is he that heareth the word; and the care of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, choke the word, and he becometh unfruitful.  
__23 __But he that received seed into the good ground is he that heareth the word, and understandeth it; which also beareth fruit, and bringeth forth, some an hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty._

The sermon was spoken, emphasizing the importance of believing in the Lord and believing in Jesus and living according to the commandments and the teachings of Jesus. Carson saw Sara listen with interest but she didn't comment. He also watched her read the Nicene creed with interest, where the whole congregation spoke out loud what their beliefs as Christians were. The prayers for the people were followed by the wishes of peace. It allowed them to shake hands and Sara whispered to him, "I think this is my favourite part so far," which made Carson smile.

The Eucharist was then presented, and Sara looked around, unsure of what to do. She did not really want to partake in the ritual of eating, "The Body of Christ, the bread of heaven" or drinking "The Blood of Christ, the cup of salvation".

"It's only for those who are baptized. You can go up and ask for a blessing instead. You won't be the only one doing that, so don't worry."

Sara looked doubtful but then whispered, "Alright, I'll go for you and not for Jesus."

Carson suppressed a grin and kneeled next to her as he received the Eucharist and she received a blessing.

After another prayer and a song, the service ended. It had been absolutely fascinating watching Sara experience a church service for the first time, he had repeatedly had to stop himself from constantly staring at her.

After the service the pastor made a point to welcome Sara and asked her to return to church more often. Sara smiled politely and changed the subject in conversation, a trick she had to perform several times. Carson saw her struggling with all the well-meant wishes for her return to the church and realized that he had secretly hoped she would be swayed to find interest in adopting the Christian faith. Looking at her, very friendly but a little bewildered, he realized there was no chance she would change her faith and his heart sank at the thought. The moment he realized that, he also realized that this was slowly turning into torture for her, he needed to get her away.

Diana was hanging on his arm, however, chattering away at him and the others he was standing with. Mercifully Sara seemed to be assisted by Ingrid elsewhere, but he wanted to escape with her.

Finally, during a small lull in the conversation, he was able to excuse himself. He walked over to Hans and asked Hans to send Sara outside if he could. Best not to have people see them leave together, he figured.

* * *

Carson waited outside behind a tree next to the building and when she finally came outside, he stepped forward, grabbed her hand and said, "Come with me, let's get out of here."

They walked quickly and even ran a bit to the nearby woodland, where, under cover of the trees and out of the line of vision from the church, they stopped to catch their breath. Carson didn't let go of Sara's hand and they slowly wandered in silence.

"That was interesting, Carson," Sara presently said. "I didn't realize you also read from the Torah in your services."

"We call it the Old Testament, and yes, there is always an Old Testament verse in the service."

"I like the prayers for those in need and the peace when you shake hands with those around you."

"I like that too."

"That blood and body thing, however, felt very alien to me. I mean, we also share wine and bread on Shabbat but that has nothing to do with blood and body."

Carson smiled, "I saw that you were uncomfortable. It's called the Eucharist."

"Oh."

They walked on in silence a little more, still hand-in-hand.

"Thank you for sharing that with me," Sara then finally said.

"You're welcome," Carson smiled. He then paused the walk and turned to face Sara.

"I have to apologize," he said. "I think somewhere deep inside me I had hoped that through attending the service and seeing the friendly community surrounding it, you might become inclined to Christianity for yourself. That was foolish of me. I saw my faith a little bit through your eyes today and I now realize how strange it all must feel to you. I have seen you live your faith, and that fills you with joy, like my faith never can."

"I'm sorry, Carson," Sara said.

"Don't be sorry. And as beautiful as your sabbath rituals were, I don't think I could ever change my faith either."

"I know that."

"So, where does that leave us?" Carson asked.

"Is there an us?" Sara asked in return.

Carson stepped in even closer, now taking hold of Sara's upper arms. His heart started beating wildly.

"We have something here, don't we?" he asked softly, "You feel it too, don't you? Or am I just crazy?"

Sara studied his eyes and said gently, "You're not crazy."

"I'm falling for you," Carson said, not quite able to fully confess that he was past falling, that he was already head over heels in love with her. "And I don't know what to do."

"I don't know either," Sara whispered, still staring back into his eyes.

At that moment, he was done with words and slowly pulled her towards him. He leaned in, studying her eyes and her lips and she did the same in return. That this should end in a kiss was inevitable. That touch of her lips on his was as heavenly as he remembered, and she responded to his kisses with as great an enthusiasm as he gave them. His arms travelled around her waist to pull her close to him while he kissed her, and her arms snuck up around his neck. It felt so right holding her and kissing her, she fit perfectly into his arms, her lips moulded perfectly against his. Hidden between the trees they kissed and kissed, blissfully oblivious to the world beyond them, hearts soaring in happiness at the closeness. The kisses started getting more passionate as their mouths opened and their tongues found each other.

Carson groaned, "You're a dangerous temptation, woman..."

He was almost ready to throw all caution to the wind and just have his way with her. And Sara? Sara was only egged on by the sentiment, clinging even closer to him, her hands running through his hair, which made him feel even more wild.

He needed to compose himself and so finally, with all the strength he could muster, he slowly dragged himself away from her.

"Sara… we need to stop…" he croaked.

"Yes," she panted and placed another kiss on his lips.

"We really should…" but before he could say anything else, he couldn't help but capture her lips once again. But then finally, his mind started functioning again and he from somewhere found the strength to drag himself away from her.

"We need to stop," he said, putting a little distance between them.

She looked more beautiful than ever, her face flushed, lips slightly swollen and the hair in her braid starting to come loose. How could he ever hope to resist her?

"We need to find a way to be together," he said.

"I don't see how. When they find out I'm Jewish, we'll be ostracized. I don't want you to be ostracized in the town where you finally found your life again! The community, your friends, would never accept me."

"Or they could surprise you."

"And it's not just your community and your friends… If I tell my brother I've fallen in love with a goy, he will never forgive me"

"A what?"

"A goy, a non-Jew."

"And you've fallen in love?" he smiled, stepping in closer again.

"Oh...er… please don't read anything into…" She then stopped, considered a moment and then she said what he hadn't dared say yet. "OK, yes, I have fallen in love with you, Carson."

He swept her back into his arms and held her tight as he whispered in her ear, "I am in love with you too. Not just falling, I have already fallen, quite a while ago." She trembled against him and then seemed to almost dig herself into his chest.

They stood in silence like that for a while, basking in each other's closeness, and then Sara slowly pulled away. Still holding on to each other she looked up at him, "Even though I love you, I cannot change who I am for you."

"And I can't change who I am for you."

"We'd go crazy trying to accommodate the other, and your Christian friends will have great trouble accepting me and I will have a lot of trouble with my family and friends back East and really every Jewish person I'd run into."

"I can't just leave you."

"But what future do we have? We need to stop torturing each other."

"And not even be friends anymore?"

"We can't, Carson! Don't you think we'd be miserable as just friends?"

She then wriggled free, straightened her hair and dress and said, "This must end here."

It felt like his heart stopped beating and was being wrenched out of him.

"No," he said.

"What solution do you have? Neither of us will change religions, our families and friends will hate us, except for the Andersens. What kind of life is that? We'd be miserable and then in time we'd turn on each other."

He studied her and combed a hand through his hair.

"I don't have the answers, Sara,"

"I don't either. So, until then, we'd better just keep out of each other's way…"

"What about Friday night dinners?"

"I don't know, Carson, I don't know," and she turned around and started to run.

He ran after her and caught her by the waist. She immediately flopped against him while he held her from behind.

"Let's at least say goodbye properly," he said gently. "And we'll just take it one day at a time."

She nodded against him and then turned in his arms. It was easy for him to capture her lips one more time.

"We'll need to keep some distance," she murmured against his lips.

"I know," he murmured back.

They kissed urgently one last time, then she freed himself from his grasp and without another word walked away. He didn't follow her this time.


	21. The coming out

When Sara got to her front door, she found Ingrid and Hans there.

"Hey, there, we wondered where you'd gotten off to!" Ingrid said cheerfully. She then saw the look on Sara's face and her slightly dishevelled appearance. She handed the stroller to Hans and said, "Take Kirsten for a walk, I think Sara and I need to talk."

Hans, seeing Sara's distraught expression wasn't about to argue that.

Sara and Ingrid went inside where Sara told her all that had happened between her and Carson.

"I knew there was something between you two! It's been sizzling for a while now," Ingrid said.

"Well, I think we're sizzled out now." Sara said.

Ingrid eyed her sceptically. While speaking about it all, Sara came to a decision and as difficult as it was, she knew it was the right one. Ingrid couldn't help but agree once she heard it.

* * *

The next morning early, before going to the library, Sara stopped by the infirmary. When she entered, Diana was sitting at her desk and she caught the back of Carson, busy behind the screen at the far end of the room.

"Good morning, Diana," Sara said and from the corner of her eye she noticed Carson swing around to look at her.

"Good morning, Sara. What can I do for you?"

"I'd like to speak with Carson for a moment, please," she said, now also fully looking at Carson.

"Of course, follow me," Carson said and led her to the backyard.

As soon as they were out there, Carson grabbed her hand and whispered, "I want to kiss you!"

"Carson…" Sara sighed, "this is important."

He grinned, "Kissing is too. It's very healthy, doctor's orders."

Sara couldn't help but grin at that, so much for keeping out of each other's way. He then gently pushed her against the building so they wouldn't be seen through any window and at first gently, then a little more vigorously, kissed her. Sara didn't complain, she very much enjoyed Carson's kisses. However, she had come to tell him something.

"This is hardly keeping a distance," she murmured against his lips.

Carson chuckled, "I don't know if I can do that, Sara…"

"Maybe what I plan on doing will help."

Carson stopped kissing her and took a step backwards, intently studying her features.

"Don't leave," he said, getting very serious.

"No, I don't plan to do that just yet," she tried smiling reassuringly. "What I will do is tell the town gossips Diana and Rosemary that I am Jewish…"

Carson took another step back and looked at her in surprise. "No, don't do that, not yet!" he exclaimed.

Sara narrowed her eyes, "Why not?"

"Because you will make life so much more difficult for yourself…"

"No, I will simplify it. I have realized with this Roger incident and showing you my sabbath and going to church that I don't want to hide who I am anymore. I thought I could live with this secret, but I can't. It's wearing me out and I just want to be done with keeping secrets. I want to be me, openly, and I want to try and be that here and if I'm not accepted for that, then maybe I will have to move on…"

"Sara…"

"No, Carson, I have to do this. I realized yesterday at church that I didn't want to dodge questions about my faith anymore, and I'll be dodging more as I go around town today or even when I'm at the library if things don't change. I don't want to do that anymore. I've opened a door, now I need to go through it."

"I was hoping we'd keep this between ourselves and we'd figure something out for ourselves first…"

"There can't be an us without me being honest."

"And there can never be an us if everyone knows you're Jewish!" Carson said, getting angry.

Sara looked a little taken aback and Carson immediately looked contrite.

"I'm sorry, I mean…" he began but Sara wouldn't let him finish. She was angry now.

"You mean, you'd be ashamed to be seen with me if everyone knows I am Jewish?" she spat. She gave a little bitter laugh, and Carson seemed at a loss for words. "Now I know more than ever that this is right. Now I will finally be able to see everyone for who they really are. Goodbye, Carson."

She brushed past him and wanted to go inside.

"Don't… I didn't mean… many people will be fine, this is a wonderful town, but other people will..." Carson started, holding her back by grabbing her arm.

She glared at him and interrupted him, "Listen, I don't want to argue, Carson. I need to do this. Why don't we just keep our distance from now on, like we said we would yesterday. I think that's the best thing to do right now." She had no will to battle this, it was meant to be an announcement, no more.

Carson dropped her arm and sighed, "Alright, yes, maybe, we do just need things to cool off a little. You do what you need to do, Sara. I don't think it's the right way... I don't think I can follow you there."

"I'm being too pushy, you think? Well, I don't care, I'm used to doing things on my own and I'm doing this now, my way." she said curtly and turned around again to march back into the infirmary.

Diana was arranging supplies when she came inside. Sara walked up to her.

"Diana," she said, as she also saw Carson come in from the corner of her eye, "I just wanted to thank you for your hospitality at church yesterday and I wanted to say… well… I wasn't quite honest yesterday. I came to church because Carson had convinced me to come take a look but what I failed to mention is that I came without the intention of returning there. I am Jewish, you see," Diana drew in a deep breath of surprise, but Sara continued undeterred, "and I don't want to hide it anymore. I was curious to see what a church service was like and I'm thankful that I now know."

"You are… a Jew?" Diana asked incredulously.

"Yes."

"And you came to church yesterday because you want to be a Christian?" Diana asked.

"No, I came to church because I was curious," she smiled with a quick glance to Carson and then back to Diana again, "but I cherish my own faith too much to give it up. You've all been so kind to me and I thought you, and everyone here really, deserved the truth."

"But you don't look like a Jew…" Diana started.

"What does a Jew look like?" Sara challenged her.

"Erm… I don't know. The women wear scarves and wigs and are old-fashionedly dressed. And they have crooked… they are just different."

"Crooked noses?" Sara asked, but she didn't bother to wait for the answer. "There are all kinds of Jews and I may not be an Orthodox one with a scarf or wig but I am one nevertheless."

Sara looked over at the clock. "Oh my goodness, look at the time, I need to go. Have a good day Diana… Carson." She didn't wait to interpret the look that Diana and Carson exchanged as she left.

* * *

Her next order of business was to go to the saloon and tell Lucas. She owed him that. When she told him he just grinned.

"I suspected as much," he said, "You wanted time off on Friday at the end of the afternoon and Saturday, you didn't mind working on a Sunday… I had a Jewish friend once, so I suspected you might be too."

He accompanied her out of the saloon and embraced her in the street for everyone to see. When she turned to walk on to the library, she saw that Carson was outside the infirmary and was looking her way. He must have seen the embrace.

Rosemary, as often on a Monday morning, was one of the first to visit the library and Sara told her as well.

"Jewish? Really? How very interesting! They tend to be good singers and actors! I'm sure you know some you could invite to come over here and perform!" she exclaimed.

Sara laughed. Rosemary was always one to try and see the bright side, albeit a little deluded thinking that all Jews knew each other. She appreciated her warmth and enthusiasm, however, and realized that not everyone would be against her as she had feared.

By the time closing time came around, Sara knew she was the talk of the town. She closed up the library and walked over to Abigail's. She wouldn't hide away, she planned on eating her dinner there. As she walked down the street she was tapped on the shoulder and found herself face to face with Roger.

"Ha!" he snorted, "So, you're a yid?"

Sara squared her shoulders. "Yes, I am Jewish!"

"That explains a lot. It would have been better for you to hide that fact."

"Why?"

"Because towns such as this don't like Jews."

"And they'll drive them out?"

"Yes, they will. And you shouldn't have such an attitude towards me, lady…"

"I'm not giving you any attitude, I just want everything out in the open."

"A Jew who's trying to be honest after lying for so long. You'll never be…" but Roger couldn't continue as he was interrupted by Lucas.

"Good evening, Sara, Roger!" he said, immediately positioning himself half between them, "Everything alright here?"

"Yes, fine!" Roger said, "And you should think twice about who you associate with Lucas Bouchard. You already have a difficult position, befriending a yid won't help you…"

"I can be the judge of that myself, Mr Wells. Have a good evening."

Lucas then took Sara's arm, threaded it through his and as they walked away, said, "Let me take you to dinner."

Sara was grateful for the offer.

"You're quite the talk of the town today," Lucas smiled at her over dinner.

"At least now you know there will be someone in town who is more hated than you are," Sara smiled.

He covered her hand with his and said, "That was a brave thing you did, telling everyone. You have friends here, don't forget that."

"I know. I have you and Ingrid, and Rosemary was very nice. it's a start."

"Carson will come around."

"Why do you think I'd care…"

"Oh, don't bullshit me, Sara, I have seen how he and you look at each other…"

"That doesn't mean all will be alright. Love…" she hesitated for a moment, she had not intended to mention that word, but now that it was out there, it couldn't be concealed, so she continued. "Love doesn't conquer everything, Lucas."

"Maybe not. I have my own troubles in that field, but it can help us move forward and who knows, maybe Carson will too."

"It's not just Carson, you know, or even the Rogers in this world. My family would never accept him either."

"Again, who knows what love can achieve in moving things forward?"

"You, Lucas Bouchard, sound like a hopeless romantic."

"Maybe I am."

* * *

When Sara came home later that evening, she found a note from Carson slipped under her door.

_Sara, Diana told me she saw an exchange between you and Roger in the street. I came to look for you to see if you're alright but saw that you are already in good hands with Lucas. I realize you must be facing a lot of hostility right now. Please know that, despite my anger this morning, I am still your friend. Love, Carson_.

He was still her friend. That was something, right?

The following days the gossip died down, but Sara did notice a marked difference in how she was approached by some people. Those people seemed to be more distant, she sometimes caught them whispering when she walked by them in the street. Other people, like Elizabeth or Nathan, were very friendly, so there was that to be grateful for.

For Friday evening dinner, Sara invited Carson and the Andersens to her house and also Lucas, Diana, Rosemary and Lee. She wanted to show her newer guests what Carson and the Andersens had already seen, that being Jewish was no threat, it was just a different faith. Maybe, if they saw she was no threat, the ladies would spread the word and things would be alright.

She didn't know whether Carson would come but he did come, even though he was the last to arrive, only just before she started.


	22. The great divide

Sara had told the world that she was Jewish and Carson saw that certain people in town had turned against her. She had not only told the world, she had also put up a "mezuzah" as she called it on her doorpost, indicating publicly that her home was a Jewish one. The mezuzah was a little box that contained a Hebrew scroll with a prayer or verse on it. It had been a gift from her brother, she told them during Friday night dinner.

He saw the looks some people gave her, some openly, some behind her back, and he didn't like it. He had battled with himself over the decision to go to her Friday evening dinner with the extra guests she had invited but, in the end, he just wanted to be there as her friend. Yes, it was better if they kept their distance but he also wanted to support her. Diana, Lucas and the Lees had looked on with interest and especially Rosemary later told everyone she knew that the welcoming the sabbath ritual was a beautiful thing to experience.

Sara, to his admiration, remained friendly and open, despite the many small jibes and comments she received. He now understood why she had come here to Hope Valley, to be free of an undercurrent of hostility and felt bad for her that she had to undergo those hostilities here again. Ingrid and Lucas stood by her side as sturdy defenders and they too would take a backlash at times, with comments that were directed at them.

Carson decided to not interfere and kept away from Sara as much as he could. She had enough to deal with, dealing with him in addition would only make things even more difficult for her. He was her silent supporter, coming to her Friday night dinners, but he also went to church. At church he was commended for trying to convert Sara. Those comments made him uncomfortable and he always changed the subject as quickly as he could after telling them, "I'm not trying to convert her, I am just her friend". People in town came to see him as neutral ground and because of that, town life for Carson didn't change.

Sara, in her desire to teach and take away hate, opened her house up every Friday evening to those who wanted to experience a small bit of Jewish life. She asked those who came unannounced to bring a dish with them so that she'd always have enough food and people, driven by curiosity, did take her up on that opportunity. Those dinners really did help to foster goodwill. Even though she was 'different', Sara became more a part of the town to many people than she had ever been before; to others she was to be avoided. In any case, she was more prominent than she had ever been, in a good way and a bad way. Friday evening dinners had already become a steady fixture, so he didn't see why that had to change and Carson always came. They rarely exchanged more than general words with each other, but at least he was there.

"Why do you need to be there every Friday?" Diana asked him one afternoon. "People will think that you want to be Jewish too!"

"I will never be Jewish, and I keep coming to church each Sunday, don't I?"

"But she never comes to church to support you."

"I don't need support, she does."

"Well, it's very Christian of you to be kind to her. Maybe she will see it too, how good Christians are, and she'll want to become…"

"No Diana, she will never become a Christian."

Although he did say that out loud, in his heart he couldn't help but secretly hope she would change or that something would happen to bridge the great divide he felt between them now. Just because their worlds were oceans apart now, it didn't mean he didn't still love her. If anything, the way she handled herself made him fall even deeper in love with her. Her persistence in being kind to those who showed animosity, her ability to keep opening her door to teach those who didn't understand, warmed his heart. She was strong in a way he felt he could never be. And yet, he couldn't help but secretly hope sometimes that she would come to his faith. He knew he could never come to hers.

It remained difficult seeing Sara in her home every week, sometimes standing close by her side for the ceremony, which he now could blindly recite himself. The images of kissing her were never far from his mind and when he stood close to her like that, he always had to repress the urge to touch her cheek, her lips, her hair, he needed to repress the urge to pull her towards him. Sometimes she looked at him across the table and it felt like everyone around them faded and they were there all alone. Yet, always, always there was that distance and as the weeks went on it became more and more difficult for him to deal with.

* * *

One Friday evening, all the meagre remains of Carson's hopes were dashed. He was suddenly sure that he would lose her forever and needed to steele his heart against her forever. On that particular Friday evening the company was a large one, comprised of the Andersens, Elizabeth and her little boy, Lucas, Nathan and his niece and of course Carson himself.

They were all talking when there was another knock on the door.

Sara answered the door to a very handsome man, around Carson's age, with dark hair and a well-groomed beard.

"Good evening," Sara said as she answered the door.

"Good evening. Are you Sara Kaminsky? I see by the mezuzah that this should be her house."

"I am."

The man smiled widely, "Good! My name is Isaac Greenberg and I was told by Mr Lee at the sawmill that you have an open Shabbat ceremony every Friday and I wondered…"

"Of course, you're welcome, come in!"

She took his coat and introduced him to the others.

"You should know that you and I are the only Jews here," she grinned.

He looked at her with curiosity, "That is an interesting little bit of information."

"All shall be clear later… I can't believe you are here, Isaac Greenberg!" Sara smiled widely at him, "Your Jewish reputation precedes you."

"It does? I'm not particularly religious, although I do like to acknowledge the sabbath."

Sara laughed, "You don't know it, but you were very important in my Jewish life a while ago."

He looked at her amazement, "I don't understand."

"I will tell you over dinner," she said

"I hope you'll have enough, I don't normally just barge in…"

"I have food in abundance, as you see, thanks also to my kind neighbours here."

With this introductory exchange alone, Carson's heart sank. This Isaac and Sara seemed to find an instant connection, something he'd worked hard to get with her and something he was losing now. The rest of the evening just confirmed it to him. Was Isaac married, Carson wondered? He didn't look it by the way he was openly admiring Sara during the sabbath blessings. And later, at dinner, with everyone talking, he heard Sara tell Isaac about how she knew his name and what it had meant in her abandoning her secret about her identity. Isaac, in turn, admired what she was trying to do with these sabbath dinners.

"I'm doing Havdalah tomorrow, if you're still in town and would care to join me."

"I will be in town," Isaac smiled at her.

"It's a pity you have to be away from your family for Shabbat," Sara said.

"My sister and her family don't mind, they're used to me being gone," he answered.

"Oh, I meant…"

"No, I don't have a wife, I never found the right woman before with whom I would want to start a family," Isaac said looking into her eyes in such a way that he saw a blush creeping on Sara's cheeks. A blush! Carson had rarely, if ever, seen her blush before at the attentions of a man, he doubted that he had ever made her blush.

Dinner was over, thankfully, and where normally he lingered as long as possible, he now couldn't wait to make his getaway.

When everyone got up, Carson took his leave. Sara walked him to the door, and then, as soon as he stepped outside, she stepped outside with him closing the door behind them.

"Is everything alright?" she asked him

"Of course everything's alright."

"I'm just asking because you were so quiet at dinner and now you're leaving so soon and I'm not used to that, you usually stick around for dishes, together with Ingrid."

"Isn't it funny," he said a little bitterly, "that the first time we have a private conversation since that day in the infirmary when we last kissed…" No, he shouldn't be looking at her lips like that, "that our first private conversation is about your worry who will help with the dishes…"

"Carson, don't be like that. I thought we'd agreed to keep our distance, that's what I was doing and what you were doing as well… I never expected you to support me like you have by coming to Shabbat every week, I am so thankful and I… now worry about you."

"Well, don't worry, Sara. I am glad you can fully be who you are, just be happy. Thank you for the lovely evening," he said, trying to give her his most friendly smile.

She eyed him a little suspiciously. "You're welcome."

"I'll see you at dinner next week, alright?"

"Alright…" he said hesitantly.

He gave her a reassuring smile, resisted the urge to kiss her cheek at least, and just wished her a simple "Good night, Sara."


	23. The other man

Sara worried about Carson, he seemed to be withdrawing further from her. That was a good thing, of course, because it was better if they weren't that close. He left early after Shabbat dinner and she hardly saw him around for a week. He didn't come to the library, she didn't pass him in the street, there was no wave from the infirmary. He seemed to be gone. He wasn't, of course, she heard people talk about him, but he wasn't visible to her. The worry overshadowed her happiness of making a new friend.

Isaac Goldberg, as Roger had warned her at the time, had come to Hope Valley for a few business meetings and he turned out to be the friendliest and most charming of gentlemen. It certainly helped that he was Jewish, it felt familiar being with him and talking to him, even though their lives and life experiences were completely different. He was easy to talk to, he was funny, and she instantly liked him. He came to her house for Havdalah and they got to know each other a little better.

Like her, Isaac wasn't extremely observant but, like her, he did like to observe the sabbath in general and participate in the high holidays. They even had a similar way of being kosher as in they didn't mix milk and meat and both avoided the biblically forbidden foods but didn't bother eating only rabbinically blessed foods. Those foods were difficult to come by anyhow where they were living.

Now that they were befriending each other, he invited her to come and spend Shabbat with him and his family sometime.

"But be careful," he said, "My sister is still trying to marry me off to a nice Jewish woman, and there aren't that many around here, so she may try to catch you for the job."

"Being married to you would be a job?" Sara laughed.

"My sister thinks so, she says I'm impossible to be with."

"Well, I'm not looking for a husband, so let her rest easy!"

"Really? Why no husband?"

"I'd need to fall in love with the right man, and I don't think that right man is out there for me…"

"I admit, I feel slightly insulted."

Sara threw back her head and laughed.

"Seriously, though, what kind of man would be your ideal?" he asked.

"A kind and tolerant man, whom I can talk to about anything including midwifery matters, who accepts me as I am, who is Jewish…"

"Well, I am the only Jewish man around."

"I'm sorry, Isaac, I'm really not looking to be with anyone right now."

This time Isaac laughed, "You're stealing my line, that's what I always tell women I go out with. You and I are quite alike in many ways."

"That we are."

"I'd like to stay in contact if that is alright by you."

"I'd like that too."

And so, a friendship was born.

* * *

The following Shabbat, Carson came again, but something was different, she sensed it instantly. He was friendly but distant. He stayed for the dishes again, but was very quick and business-like about it, there was no joking and laughter and he left as soon as the last dish was washed, before Ingrid and Hans left.

The Shabbat after that Isaac was back in town. The group consisted of only the Andersens and Carson and Sara and Isaac decided to let them hear some real Jewish songs. Carson, while smiling along, didn't seem to enjoy it as much as she expected. His smiles never reached his eyes. Carson and Isaac left before Ingrid and Hans.

Once they were gone, Sara pulled Ingrid aside.

"Did Carson seem off to you?" she asked her.

Ingrid eyed her in disbelief, "Erm, yes, of course he did."

"Why of course? Is something the matter with him, should I worry?"

"You really don't see it?"

"See what?"

"He's jealous."

"What?" Sara asked, genuinely confused.

"Yes, jealous. Of Isaac."

"No no no no no, that can't be! Isaac and I are just friends!"

"See it from his point of view: Isaac is handsome, single, charming, smart, with some means and above all he is Jewish."

"Oh, come on, you can't be serious, I'm not going to fall in love with every eligible, handsome, Jewish man that happens to come into town!"

"Really? Because from where I stand, Isaac seems very perfect and you two get along with each other really well. I think everyone could feel that 'click' between you two, the moment he walked into your door."

"Well, he is very nice and I am happy to not be alone in the faith department anymore, that is all. We truly are only friends…"

"For now."

"I can't fall in love with Isaac."

"Why not?"

This time Sara eyed Ingrid in disbelief, "Because my heart lies elsewhere."

"Then follow it, Sara."

"I can't. The man is already being eyed suspiciously by some because he comes to my dinners, it would only get worse. And that is only the start of all the difficulty."

"Well, I don't know what else to tell you, my friend. You can make a choice here to pine after Carson forever or try to make a go of it with him or find happiness with someone else who is also good. And if the option is someone else, I think Isaac could be the ideal solution."

Sara looked confused.

"Yes, ponder that, Sara," she smiled, "Hans, Kirsten and I are leaving now."

Were those really the three choices she had? Well, there was a fourth, be happy on her own. She had been happy on her own for many years, why would she even want to change the status of being single? For Carson she would have, she realized with a start. So, if she could give up being single for Carson, maybe being with Isaac would be an option after all? Life would be so much easier if she just fell in love with Isaac. Was it easy to marry someone for like-very-much instead of love? Love for Carson, after all, was the impossible choice and love for Isaac could grow later, right? She decided she needed to test the theory.

Two weeks later she travelled to Union City to meet Isaac's sister and her family and to celebrate Shabbat there.


	24. The weekend apart

Carson hoped that Isaac was as good a man as he appeared to be, because Sara only deserved the best. In the middle of the week Sara had come to him at the infirmary when Diana was out, it was a truly rare occurrence for them to be alone.

"I came to tell you there will be no Shabbat at my house this Friday," she had said, "I'll be away to Union City for the weekend."

"Ah," he had replied, a little taken aback. And then it had clicked, "To celebrate Shabbat there with your new friend?"

"Yes," she had said, "And you said Shabbat instead of sabbath!" she added with a smile that brightened her whole face. Who knew him using a simple word like that could make her so happy? Or maybe it wasn't just the word, maybe it was, more likely, her anticipation of her weekend with Isaac.

"I'm glad you have found a Jewish friend to share that with."

"Thank you."

"And you'll be meeting his family?"

"Yes."

"That's good. Be happy, Sara."

"Carson, it's not like that. Isaac and I are just friends."

"But it will be like that and it should be."

"Carson…"

"No please, hear me out. He looks like a good man, he can give you a life I could never give you. You know you could do worse than a rich banker who shares your faith and a nice, charming one at that. I just want to see you happy, Sara."

"Maybe I'm happiest on my own."

He had smiled, "You shouldn't be. You have a great capacity for love and you should share it."

"The same goes for you, really."

"Maybe one day I will," he had said,

They had looked at each other in silence for a few moments until Sara had said, "I will miss you this Shabbat, Carson."

She had then turned and left without looking back. His heart had been aching ever since. Not only would he miss Shabbat with her too, he would in his mind's eye, be seeing her fall in love with another man during her weekend away.

* * *

She arrived back in town on the Monday noon stagecoach, he pretended to not be looking out for her, but he couldn't help looking out the infirmary window until the damn thing finally arrived. Diana was thankfully out, or she would have called him on his nervous behaviour. He just needed to see if she was different, if her eyes were glowing with affection for another man.

He saw Sara step out of the stagecoach and had this little flashback in his mind to the first time he had seen her when she had first arrived, stepping out of the coach, how he had noticed her beautiful hair and then she had fainted, and he'd carried her to the infirmary. She looked far more healthy and in good spirits this time around. That meant the visit had gone well?

He should just leave her be but the knowledge of her being away the past weekend had made him miss her and he just wanted to see her again. He didn't want to seem too eager rushing out, so he took his time coming out of the infirmary. Maybe he could help her home with her bag, he thought, but then he saw that he had taken too long pondering the situation. Once out of his door, he saw her already talking to Lucas. That was probably for the best and he wanted to turn to go back but at that moment she looked towards the infirmary, spotted him and waved. He couldn't suppress his pleasure in her acknowledgement, he waved back and just wanted to start walking over when Roger Wells passed.

"She should have stayed in Union City with that other Jew," he muttered. Carson had heard many of such mutterings before and had let them slide for the sake of peace, but for some reason this time he couldn't let it go.

"Mr. Wells, will you please stop being disrespectful, this is her home."

Roger stopped and turned to look at him.

"She's the only Jew in town, it'll never be her home until she gets more Jews in… or she leaves. I'd prefer the latter."

"Now, that's enough, Roger," Carson said, feeling his temper slowly rising.

"I know you have a soft spot for her, doc, so why..."

"You once liked her too," Carson interrupted.

"That was before I knew she was a lying Jew."

"Roger, is this kind of talk really necessary? She's just a person, like you are, and a good person too, she doesn't deserve your vitriol."

"If you like her so much, why don't you become a Jew yourself? You're practically half one already, going by how often you visit her wicked-Friday circle."

"Wicked? There is nothing wicked about it, it's just a celebration. You should come and see for yourself."

"No, I won't let her brainwash me. You continue acting as the respectable doctor and pretend I'm just some crazy guy who's telling everyone to be careful of the likes of her. But be warned, Jews are never up to any good, you'll see."

"You're paranoid, Roger, she is no danger," Carson said, exasperated.

"And you're a Jew-lover!" Roger spat, loud enough for everyone to hear, and he came right up close to Carson, glaring in his face.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw movement and in no time Lucas was there.

"Gentleman, may I suggest you both move on?" he said calmly, breaking up what in another second could have ended in a fist fight.

"That you may," Roger said and gave Carson such a punch to his shoulder with his own shoulder, that Carson lost his footing and fell to the ground.

"Have a good day!" Roger tipped his hat and walked away, just as Sara came rushing in to see to Carson.

Lucas gave Carson a hand, so he could het up right before she got to him, still glaring at Roger's back.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

"I'm fine," he said, brushing himself off. He wouldn't let a bigoted man spoil his day. He turned to face her and asked, "How was your trip?"

"Carson, you can't ignore what just happened!"

"I can ignore it for now, that man is not worth another thought."

"He targeted you because of me, didn't he?"

"That is none of your concern, Sara," he said shortly,

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this because of me."

"Don't be sorry, it's not your fault. He is the bigot," Carson said, sending another look in the direction Roger had gone off to. He then turned and looked down at her, smiled and said, "Welcome home."

She smiled up at him, which of course melted his heart. She looked so well and relaxed. Could he detect anything new about her, anything that indicated change?

"I haven't been gone that long, just 3 nights," she smiled.

"I'll just keep your bag at the saloon until you go home, alright?" Lucas said, knowing full well that he was the third wheel in this little conversation. Sara acquiesced and he was off to his workplace.

"You look well," Carson said after Lucas left them. "A weekend away suits you."

"I was in the best of company," she smiled widely.

"I'm sure you were."

"I'll tell you all about it on Shabbat. You are coming Friday, aren't you?"

"If you wish."

"I do wish," she smiled. "And I have some big news!" she added.

Oh no, Carson's heart plummeted. Had she gotten engaged to Isaac already?

"Well?" he asked, not very enthusiastically.

"My brother and sister-in-law are coming for a visit with the 3 children! They'll stay in Union City with the Greenbergs for a few days and then they'll come here!"

Carson smiled, a smile of relief but also a smile of joy for her, because he knew how much this must mean to her. She had spoken of her brother and his family several times, it would be good to finally meet them.

"I'm so happy for you, Sara! I know you've wanted them to come for a while."

"Yes! I talked to them on the phone while I was at Isaac's and they are coming next week. I can't wait for them to meet you!"

In her enthusiasm she had grabbed both of his hands, he was acutely aware and wished he could just pull her into his arms. But he didn't and they both looked down at their joined hands. They stood still for a few moments, and then Sara stepped back, letting go.

"I'm sorry, Carson, I didn't mean to..."

"Don't be sorry."

"And I'm sorry for all you have to deal with because of me."

"It's far less than you have to deal with, I wish I could banish such attitudes forever."

"Thank you."

"And you are worth any argument, Sara," he said softly.

"Thank you," she said again.

Carson didn't want things to get too difficult, so he changed the subject.

"Can I see you home with your things?" he asked.

"No, thanks, Lucas will walk me home. But thanks."

"I'll see you around?" he asked.

"I'll see you around… and I can't wait for you to meet my family here."

"I'll be there."

Then before he knew what was happening, she tiptoed and gave Carson a short peck on the cheek. Even such a small gesture from her made his heart race.

"See you later, Carson!" she smiled as she bounded off to the saloon.

A cheek kiss, he had gotten a cheek kiss. Was that a good thing? Or did that just show him that he was now completely demoted to the just-friends zone? He decided to not overthink it and just relish thinking about that all too brief contact.


	25. The family visit

Leon, Rachel and the kids were coming and that was so exciting! She had one spare room where she would put up the children, Leon and Rachel could have some alone time at the hotel. They would first arrive in Union City where Isaac would put them up in the huge house he shared with his sister and her family. On Friday, Isaac and Leon, Rachel and kids would arrive on the noon coach, right in time for Shabbat. For that Shabbat she made sure only the Andersens and Carson would come, she wanted her family to meet her closest friends in town and that was just about all her living room could handle anyway.

Next to the excitement of her family coming, Sara was also preoccupied with thoughts of Carson. She knew he was getting some backlash for being her friend and they had vowed distance and yet he always came to her Shabbat dinners. He always greeted her in the street, was always friendly. He didn't only come to her dinners, he also went to church every Sunday and somehow he was able to remain friendly with most people. However, there had been that last incident when she had arrived back in town where he did have a run in with Roger Wells on her account and she didn't like that.

* * *

Friday, on the noon stagecoach, the family arrived, together with Isaac. Sara hadn't seen her family in so very many months, her heart burst with joy finally seeing them. Leon hugged her so tight, he lifted her right off the ground. When she happened to look over at the infirmary, Carson had come out and he waved at her. She waved back happily.

"Who's that?" Rachel asked after they hugged as well.

"Carson Shepherd. I told you about him, didn't I? The doctor who's my friend? You'll meet him tonight at Shabbat."

Sara and Lucas helped get the luggage for Leon and Rachel to the hotel and then all the Kaminskys made their way to Sara's little house. Everything was duly admired; the kids were moved into the guest room on one bed and two borrowed mattresses. Everyone helped with the baking and cooking and getting the house in order for Shabbat and at the beginning of the evening the Andersens arrived. They were warmly welcomed, and little Kirsten was admired.

In the kitchen Rachel whispered to Sara, "I like this Ingrid, she looks like she has a good head on her shoulders."

"Yes, she does," Sara smiled, "She's not one of my best friends for nothing."

"And this Lucas, he is your friend too?"

"Yes, he is. He gave me my first job at the hotel and now the library. He's always been very good to me."

"And that doctor?"

"He's a special friend too, you'll see."

"And you have Isaac. That's 3 men wanting your attention, 2 of whom are goyim…"

"Oh nonsense, they are all just good friends!"

"I hope they know because with Isaac, for one, I think his sister can already picture the nuptials."

"Isaac doesn't want marriage."

"Would you want marriage with him?"

"I have not considered that yet, it would be pointless."

At that point knocking was heard on the door.

"That'll be Carson," Sara said and was out of the kitchen in a flash.

Carson was also warmly welcomed, introductions were made, and the Shabbat prayers could begin.

This time for a change it was Rachel who did all the blessings, it made Sara feel like she was in Brooklyn again and she smiled at the memory. Rachel first lit the candles and blessed them. Carson was standing opposite Sara and when she looked up from the candles, she saw him studying her. He gave a little nod and smiled at her, understanding the importance of her family being present, and she couldn't help but smile back, their eyes locked in a little world of understanding that was all their own. Rachel then blessed the wine, and Sara and Carson focussed back on the ceremony.

After the blessing of the bread, they could all sit down for the meal, spread out over Sara's own table and an extra table she had acquired after some Shabbat dinners had become so popular. Sara sat between Isaac and her little niece Miriam, with Carson at the opposite side of the table at the far end. She felt him rather than caught him watching her at times. If only he didn't think that she and Isaac were going anywhere. Carson was sandwiched in between Leon and Sara's eldest nephew Samuel, with his younger brother David beside him, both boys were fascinated by Carson's stories. Rachel was really hitting it off with Ingrid and Sara was able to get Hans and Isaac to talk more, hence trying to keep Isaac's attention a little away from her, while she occupied herself with Miriam.

After dinner, all the dishes were left in the kitchen and, with so many of them there it became possible to really have fun with Jewish songs. Sara had asked Carson to bring his guitar and he started playing "Oseh Shalom" - the only Jewish song he knew how to play. Rachel and Leon looked at him in surprise, but then started singing along, soon joined by the rest of the Kaminskys and Isaac. More songs followed and Carson quite quickly picked up the chords that he needed to play. The music and multitude of voices singing caused a lot of merriment, which made this sabbath the best one yet.

At the end of the evening, with everyone ready to leave, Sara and Carson had a moment to speak alone.

"That was a beautiful evening, Sara. And you should sing the other songs to me sometimes so that I can learn their tunes better on my guitar."

"I would like that. And maybe you can also teach me some of your good songs from church."

"I can try that, although be warned, Christian music tends to be more serious than the joyful songs I have heard here."

"Did you like them, our songs?"

"Actually yes, I really did," he said, smiling genuinely into her eyes.

Every time he looked at her like that, she couldn't look away, his eyes drawing hers in. If there was no actual physical contact between them, at least they could still look at each other.

They were interrupted by Rachel, who wanted to get the kids to bed so that she and Leon could leave as they were very tired after a long, full day.

"I'll get them to bed and Carson can help by playing them a lullaby on the guitar?" Sara looked to Carson and he immediately said it was alright.

The Andersens, Isaac and Leon and Rachel then left, leaving Sara and Carson with the kids.

Sara still knew their routines, faces were washed, teeth were brushed and pyjamas were climbed into. Once all three were settled in bed and on the mattresses, Carson sat down to serenade them good night. The kids loved it. Little Miriam was the most exhausted of all, she fell asleep before the end of the first song, the boys held out a little longer but Carson's playing and singing grew so soft that they too drifted off not long after.

Once downstairs again, Sara thanked him.

"They are fun kids," Carson smiled.

"The boys seemed to enjoy your company at dinner."

"You have a lovely family, Sara."

"Thanks," she smiled back at him.

"Well, good night then."

"Good night, Carson."

They lingered for a moment, and then he leaned in and gave her a little peck on the cheek. She didn't really get around to responding, he was gone so quickly after that.

* * *

The next day the Kaminskys all went out for a Shabbat walk. Leon and Rachel admired the life she had built.

"You sometimes do midwifery?" Leon asked, "Dr. Shepherd tells me you have delivered some babies here, you didn't write us about that."

"Only two, Kirsten was the first one, by the way! After they found out I am Jewish I have had no new births. I'm not sure whether there aren't any or whether they just don't want me. But that's alright, I'm happy at the library, Leon."

"So, still no wish to return back East?"

"No, I like trying to find a life here. People hate Jews everywhere, I find, so it's pointless trying to run away from it. Also, I have had quite some people attend my Shabbat celebration and they like it. Many have become more relaxed towards me because of that and I have also made some new friends. I am really starting to feel at home here."

"And with Carson Shepherd too, I see?" Rachel asked carefully.

"What do you mean?" Sara asked.

"There is something more than friendship between you and him, isn't there?"

"For a moment it looked like there was, but we are just friends now."

"Really? The way you two looked at each other yesterday evening, I could have sworn…"

"No, Rachel, Carson and I are just good friends."

"That is good," Leon said, "Because as nice as he is, and I really like him, you could never marry a goy."

"I know that," Sara said, a little sadly.

"But Isaac, he would be perfect for you!" Leon said, "A very nice man, good family, rich, and Jewish."

"Yes, he does seem perfect, but I am not in love with him, Leon."

"Love can grow."

"Maybe," Sara said, ready to change the subject which they duly did.


	26. The medical emergency

Carson saw the Kaminskys and Isaac heading in the direction of Sara's house as he was exiting the post office. Isaac was walking with Sara, engrossed in some amusing conversation which made them both laugh. They were a handsome couple together, he thought, trying to ignore his heavy heart and just be happy for them.

"Dr Shepherd!" he heard a boy's voice call out and he tore his eyes away from Sara and Isaac to see the eldest of the children, Samuel, waving at him.

Carson smiled and waved back, and the boy bounded up to him, followed by the whole group.

Samuel had been very interested in all the tales about being a doctor that Carson had been telling and he now wanted to see the infirmary. The group soon caught up.

"Good afternoon, Dr Shepherd," Rachel was the first to say.

"Good afternoon. Please, call me Carson," he smiled.

"We don't want to impose, it is alright to not open up the infirmary."

"That's alright, I was going there anyhow. As you see, I have a package and these are some supplies I need to put away."

The group followed Carson to the infirmary, where Diana was getting ready to close up.

"I brought guests, Diana," Carson grinned, watching her pale almost imperceptibly at the onslaught of Kaminskys and Isaac.

Carson introduced everyone and then explained, mostly for the benefit of Samuel, what was what at the infirmary. He put his supplies away and, together with Diana, showed how he kept records of his inventory.

"Can you also deliver babies like aunt Sara can?" David asked.

"I can," Carson smiled.

"So, you are like aunt Sara's helper?"

Carson looked at Sara and they exchanged a grin.

"I think the doctor can manage fine on his own, he doesn't need my help, David," Sara said.

"Aunt Sara doesn't need help either. She delivered Samuel and Miriam and me!" David announced.

"Did she now?" Carson asked, eyebrows raised in surprise, looking at Sara again.

"Yes!"

"Well, it looks like she did a great job. Maybe I should ask her help the next time a baby comes."

"Daddy says she's the best."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Samuel caught Carson's attention again, asking about wounds and broken bones. At the end he gave Samuel a bandaging lesson, with Miriam's hand to practice on. Miriam was very delighted with the end result, showing off a neatly bandaged hand to her parents and aunt Sara.

"I think we shouldn't bother the doctor anymore and get going," Leon then said.

"Sara, is it alright if I invite these two people for Havdalah at your house?" Isaac asked.

"Of course, it's alright! Please, Carson, Diana, come, you are welcome this evening!" Sara said.

Carson hated how intimate and domestic that sounded, like Isaac had the right to invite anyone in Sara's name.

"What is Havder…?" Diana asked, a little confused.

"That's the end of sabbath ceremony," Carson said, which garnered him a look of surprise from Leon and Rachel.

Sara caught the look and smiled, "I guess I taught him well."

"You did," Carson said, and then added, "We really wouldn't want to intrude on your family time."

"I'm not family," Isaac grinned.

Not yet, Carson thought, a little grimly.

"Please come!" Isaac added.

Why would Isaac want them there, Carson wondered.

"Alright, Carson and I will be there," Diana smiled and Carson looked at her in surprise. She had been to one Shabbat dinner but had shown no interest in doing anything Jewish-related since and yet here she was accepting Havdalah invitations. And then he saw it, Diana was developing a crush on Isaac! Goodness, did everyone love that man?

* * *

That evening Sara, and not Rachel, did the Havdalah prayers. As she was the one leading the ceremony, it felt legitimized for his eyes to linger on her and follow her every move. Dinner was buffet style this time around and so Carson was able to speak more with others, like Rachel and even Isaac. And yes, he too found Isaac to be a very agreeable man. Sara could do far worse. Carson also noticed that Diana seemed very taken with Isaac and, as the evening progressed, he seemed to take a liking to her as well. Carson could not understand why on earth Isaac would show interest in Diana when he could be with Sara. It made Isaac a little less agreeable after all in his eyes. He wondered that if Sara had set her sights on Isaac, was she now losing out to Diana? How did she feel about Isaac's attentions being elsewhere this evening?

This time around Leon and Rachel were the ones who wanted to tuck in their kids, so Isaac, Diana and Carson left together. Isaac asked to see Diana home, which left Carson to wander home alone, caught in his own thoughts about Sara and Isaac.

* * *

On Sunday Isaac left with the noon stagecoach and after he'd gone, Carson felt safe to ask Diana about him at the church picnic. She gushed over him so much, he asked her if she wasn't worried about getting in the way of Isaac getting together with Sara.

"Oh no!" Diana laughed, "Sara and Isaac aren't an item, they don't even want to be! Isaac told me that himself."

"I hope he hasn't been leading her on, then, giving her false hopes."

"Isaac tells me Sara doesn't want to be with him either."

Carson frowned at her in surprise.

"Are you sure? It's not just Isaac trying to appease you to catch your attention?"

"No!" Diana, exclaimed.

"So, you and Isaac..."

"It's early days yet."

"I'm just a little surprised, that is all."

"What's so surprising about that?"

"Well, he's Jewish, for one thing…"

"Listen, Carson, you're the Jew-lover here, you of all people should understand."

She was right, he was a Jew-lover, in fact he was in love with one particular Jewish person.

"And Isaac is different, very worldly," Diana continued, "So I see no troubles there."

Carson doubted whether this thing between Isaac and Diana would ever be more than a little infatuation, but he couldn't think about it much longer as a very agitated Mr. Grazzini came running into the picnic area.

"Dr Shepherd! Dr Shepherd!" he called, and Carson and Diana were up in an instant, meeting him halfway.

"It's Sofia. The babies are coming. My mother is with her but she's been in labour for some hours and I don't think it's going well,"

"It's a bit early too, at 35 weeks. You go home. Let me just get my things, I'll be there."

As Mr Grazzini left, Carson turned to Diana, "Please get Sara and ask her to come to the infirmary, I could really use her help on this one."

"Why? Mr Grazzini said his mother is there to help…"

"Having premature twins is a challenge, I'd like someone with Sara's experience there, can you get her while I go get my bag and supplies?"

"Of course."

A few minutes later Sara was at the infirmary. Carson handed her a bag and while walking out the door he thanked her for coming.

"Are you sure you want me there? No one's wanted me around for babies since…"

"They'll just have to deal. The twins are a few weeks early, Sofia Grazzini has been struggling with low blood pressure and has been on bed rest and you have attended more births than I have, I suspect, so I could use the professional help. We need to not only keep an eye on the babies but an extra eye on the mother as well."

"Alright," Sara said, not questioning his judgement.

"And besides, David convinced me that I shouldn't be shy to ask for extra help from someone with your experience," Carson grinned down on her.

Sara gave a laugh. "The things kids say do tend to hold great elements of truth!"

They arrived at the Grazzinis and the comments of surprise at Sara's presence were countered by Carson.

"She's the most experienced person I know when it comes to delivering babies, I can really use her help as we are delivering two here today.".

They set to work. Carson checked how Sofia was progressing while Sara made sure water was boiled, the baby cot was in the room, that all instruments that could possibly be needed were within easy reach. Carson then asked Sara for a second opinion, as she felt the abdomen and listened to the heartbeats.

"I think the second baby may be breached," she whispered to Carson and he nodded in agreement. They were in for the long haul.

The actual delivery didn't start until well into the night. At 11 p.m. Sofia gave birth to a baby boy. As soon as he was born, Sara wrapped him up warmly. Warmth was essential for babies but even more so for premature ones. Warmth, and cleanliness to avoid infections, and nutrition. Carson and Sara were happy to see that this little baby at least seemed to be breathing well on his own already. Sara called Gino Grazzini in and told him to hold the baby and keep the baby as warm as possible and to keep an eye on his breathing.

She then helped Carson deliver the second baby. The baby really was breach and turning it was not an option. The baby came out feet first and Sara told Carson not to tug on it. She took over and let the baby hang while gravity finally did its job and the baby thankfully slipped out. The second baby was another boy, albeit smaller than his brother. He would need extra monitoring and care. He took somewhat longer to breathe but after only one upside down turn, he did squeak and then cry. He too was bundled up and handed over to the grandmother as Sofia was too exhausted to even open her eyes. She seemed to still be in labour.

Carson then called Sara over.

"I think there's a third baby in there," he said softly.

Sara examined the abdomen and could also feel that extra lump. With the afterbirth the third baby also came, stillborn, it had probably passed away at 10 to 12 weeks gestation.

Sara respectfully wrapped the remains in a small cloth and laid it in a box while Carson took care of stitching Sofia as she been had torn a bit during the birth. Sara told Gino and grandmother Grazzini the news about the third baby, then crouched next to Sofia, who was slowly recovering to tell her gently as well. Carson was grateful for Sara's presence, all of this really would have been difficult to handle on his own. The joy at the delivery of two healthy boys was also tinged with the sadness of a life lost.

Sara didn't want to linger on the sadness and saw that as the right moment to have Sofia meet her two babies. They were both laid into her arms.

"We will call the little one Matteo," Sofia smiled, tears in her eyes.

"And the bigger one will be Marco," father Gino smiled as well.

Carson and Sara let them bask in the happy feeling of new parenthood. As all eyes were on the parents and babies, Carson felt it safe to discreetly take hold of Sara's hand and squeeze it.

"Thank you for being here," he whispered, eyes still fixed on the family.

"Thank you for letting me," Sara whispered back.

They held hands for a few moments longer, then Sara stepped away and decided it was time to teach the twins how to feed. Matteo, as the smallest, was up first. It took him a little while to latch on but when he finally did, he was able to get some good sucks in before he became tired and fell asleep. Little Marco caught on quicker and was a more greedy drinker.

"We need to keep a close eye on Matteo and feed him extra. I will show the family how to make up a formula of cow's milk, water, cream, and honey, I think the babies will need extra help."

"I don't like the sound of this, babies fed with formula have greater health risks."

"They do, when the mixture isn't boiled, but it will be fine if we boil it and let it cool before it is fed to the baby. Believe me, I have seen great results with this mixture over the years, even with babies that are challenged at the beginning. Also, I don't want to replace the mother's milk, it's just a supplement."

"Alright, the boiling has convinced me and I'll believe you, but I'll monitor it closely and if there's any sign of sickness, the formula stops."

"Agreed."

As he packed up everything and helped clean up, Carson looked on in admiration as Sara gave instructions on the care of the two babies to the new parents and grandparents. Grandfather Grazzini had arrived home late at night from a trip he had taken to Edmonton to find he now had twin grandsons. She and Carson promised to be back early next morning to check on them.

* * *

By the time they left the Grazzini house it was 3 am, the town was asleep and all was quiet.

Carson walked Sara to her front door.

"Will you have a bed to sleep in with Rachel and Leon at your house now?"

Sara smiled, "There's always the couch."

"Thank you for being there," Carson then said sincerely. "It's the second time I have seen you work and you do it well."

"It's become second nature. And you work very well too, Dr. Shepherd."

"We make a good team," he said, looking deeply into her eyes.

"That we do," she said softly, returning his look steadily.

He resisted the urge to kiss her and got back to business.

"So, tomorrow back at the Grazzinis?"

"Yes, I think they can use the extra help."

"What about the library?"

"It's already covered, I have taken the week off because of my family's visit."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I've taken you away from them!"

"Nonsense, this is just like back in Brooklyn, I was always called away for babies. Maybe Rachel will even want to help, if the Grazzinis allow it."

He smiled. "You're quite something, you know?"

"So are you," she smiled, "Now, let's get some sleep, tomorrow will be busy."

"That it will be. Good night, Sara."

"Good night, Carson."

He always loved hearing her say his name. He waited for her to be inside before he made his way home.


	27. The call of the heart

In all honesty, Sara was happy with the distraction of the babies. Rachel and Leon were constantly commenting on how wonderful Isaac was and to not let a chance like him slip through her fingers. They too had noticed Isaac's interest in Diana during Havdalah and Rachel was telling her to be careful about not giving Isaac enough attention, because she wouldn't want it to stray any further from Sara.

"He means to take a Jewish wife one day," Rachel said, "He told Leon that, so the infatuation with Diana will pass. You and he get along well, don't you?"

"We do."

"Then why not move things along?"

"I've not known him that long yet."

"You can't wait forever."

"Rachel, if he can't wait for me to be ready, then maybe he's not the right one."

"How long till you're ready? Until this Carson fellow leaves town or you leave town?"

"Carson won't leave town and neither will I."

"You will or he needs to, or else there can never be room for anyone else."

"I'm not with Carson, Rachel."

"No, but you like his attentions."

"He's just a friend!"

"Is he?"

"Yes!"

That had been the conversation when she was called away to the birth and she had frankly been relieved to be away from that.

* * *

The next day the stillborn baby was buried during a small family ceremony that Sara and Carson also attended and all the days right after the birth of the twins were filled with the care of the babies.

Marco was doing well, but there was some worry over Matteo. Rachel agreed to also help out with the babies to give the parents some rest. She was the one to especially feed Matteo. Matteo never drank long, so he needed to be fed often, sometimes woken up, for fear of him otherwise not gaining enough weight. Within a few days, both babies were latching on well and so Sara helped figure out a way for Sofia to breastfeed the babies at the same time, finding a good position with pillows under each of Sofia's arms to lay the babies on. Marco was doing very well, so the extra formula that Sara taught them to prepare was mostly only used for Matteo. They needed to monitor a bit of his intake and him drinking from a bottle made that easier.

Carson checked in every day and at the end of the week was finally satisfied that Matteo was starting to gain a little weight. Sara could feel Rachel's eyes on her every time she and Carson huddled together to examine the babies.

"Your expert care is really helping," he said to Sara. "I'm really glad you're here."

Her heart had skipped a beat at that comment, even though he looked away as soon as he said it. He meant he was glad she was there for the babies but she couldn't help wonder whether he meant it another way too. She knew she had to stop thinking about Carson in that way and she succeeded banning most thoughts, but when they were working close together like this it was sometimes difficult to not feel what she was feeling. Seeing him be so gentle with the babies and carrying them around and talking to them didn't make it easier for her to steele her heart against him.

At the end of the week, as Sara finished her work with Gazzinis, Rachel saw Carson out. When, after a while, Sara looked out the window, she saw Rachel and Carson engaged in what looked like quite an intense, private conversation. What was that about she wondered?

As they walked back to Sara's home, she asked Rachel about it.

"What were you talking to Carson about? It looked quite serious."

"We talked about the babies and he was so kind as to tell me how much he appreciated my help. He really is a very friendly man…"

"For a goy, you mean."

"For a very Christian goy he is very tolerant of us, yes."

"What else did you talk about?"

"You."

'What about me?"

"I told him how you used to love being a midwife and that it was difficult to be that here in this very Christian town where few will give you a chance. I told him how there's a small Jewish community in Union City where Isaac lives, how maybe that would be a better place to make your home someday."

"You told him I would be leaving?"

"No, just that it is difficult as the only Jewish person in a town and how difficult it can be to make a good life here."

Sara stopped dead in the street and made Rachel face her.

"Rachel, you have no right to speak of my life here like that to him."

"Well, isn't it what you've been telling us?"

"Yes, but you make it sound like I'll be leaving soon… and leaving to Union City with Isaac. Both things are not in my immediate plans now, and you know it. Leaving would be a last resort and things aren't so bad for me here, I am really starting to feel at home here."

"But shouldn't he know that you do have thoughts of leaving?"

"I'll tell him whatever I want when the time comes for something to tell!"

"I think it's only fair for him to know you are toying with these ideas."

"And I think it's only fair that I be the one to share details of my life with him, not you!"

"Fair enough," Rachel said, raising her hands, "I'm sorry."

"I'll need to talk to Carson tonight at Shabbat," Sara mumbled, more to herself than Rachel as they made their way home.

* * *

That evening, just before dinner, when Sara answered the door to whom she thought would be her last guest, she answered the door to Diana.

"I'm sorry to disturb," she said.

"No disturbance, you know you're welcome," Sara said, looking around beyond Diana. "Where's Carson?"

"That's why I'm here. Not for dinner but for this note. Carson sends his excuses, he can't be here this evening."

"Oh… thank you," Sara said a little taken aback. Carson not being there for Shabbat would be the first time he missed it ever since she had started doing these dinners.

Sara asked Diana to stay, but she declined and so Sara went back inside to quickly read her note.

_Sara, I am so sorry to miss Shabbat dinner this evening. I unexpectedly am called away to Union City. It's nothing awful, it's just something I need to attend to. I will hopefully be back in town on Sunday evening. Shabbat shalom to you and yours! Carter."_

What on earth could be so urgent that he needed to go so suddenly? Her Shabbat ceremony suddenly felt very empty. She was used to always knowing that Carson was around, the knowledge that he was gone for a few days made her listless and even snappish at times.

* * *

On Sunday evening, after the kids were all tucked in for the night, Leon and Rachel stepped outside with Sara to sit on the porch for a cup of coffee. It was a little chilly but the night was nice, so they wrapped up in their coats and a blanket over their legs. This had been their last night together, the family was travelling back to Union City the next day, and the day after that they would start their journey back east.

"Thank you for having us," Leon said, as he finished his warm drink.

"You have a wonderful place here, Sara," Rachel said.

"But no future here apparently," Sara muttered.

"What's the matter with you these last few days?" Leon asked, a little irritated. "You've been moody all weekend."

"I'm sorry," Sara said, "And I know I told Rachel I accepted her apology for what she told Carson, but even so, it still annoys me."

"I only told Carson what you told me, about how it's difficult to build a life where no one else is Jewish."

"And yet, I seem to be doing alright."

"But you could be happier in Union City, with Isaac there and a small Jewish community there," Leon said.

"Will you please stop pushing Isaac on me?" Sara said, getting exasperated. "Yes, he's a very nice man and even though he is that, and he is Jewish, he's not the one for me!" As she said that the truth of it really hit home. No, she could never be with Isaac.

"Why not? Because you like that goy?" Leon asked, annoyed himself now.

"His name is Carson. Leon, I know we have been through a lot together, coming to America and finding a life here. I know you feel you have a say over my life, I know you are the big brother who wants to protect his little sister and I know that you want what's best for me…"

"Yes, exactly, and that is not a goy!"

"But what if it is? What if I love him, Leon? Like you love Rachel? How can that be wrong?"

"I thought it was just a bit of a flirt with him," Rachel said.

"I don't flirt... At least I don't think that I do."

"So, you are telling us that you are in love with Carson?" Rachel asked.

Sara felt caught for a moment and then clarity hit her again, her mind now catching up with her words.

"Yes, Rachel," she said calmly, "It appears that I am in love with Carson Shepherd, very much so, despite all our differences. Trying to fight that has apparently not stopped me from loving him and, I've got to tell you, I'm so sick of fighting it!"

Finally speaking those words out loud, admitting those feelings, made her heart feel so much lighter on the spot. What was the point in fighting against what she so overwhelming felt? Wouldn't it be better to be miserable with Carson than without him? She needed to talk to him... Hadn't he said in his note that he'd be back on Sunday evening? That would be now, right? Her heart was now beating wildly as she jumped up. She needed to go and find him and tell him that she loved him and that she was done fighting it!

"Where are you going?" Leon said, jumping up with her.

"Oh my goodness, I'm in love with Carson and I don't want to fight it anymore and I need him to know!" she exclaimed.

"Don't you think that if he wants to be with a Jewish woman, he would have tried to do something about that by now?"

"Maybe, maybe not. We both agreed it would be impossible, but would it, really? What's so awful about being with a goy, really?"

"You can't become one of them, Sara!"

"And I don't intend to. He can be Christian, I can be Jewish. We've been friends with those differences, why can't we try the next step and actually be together with those differences? We can find a way, me must! I just need to go and find him now."

"I'm here," a voice from the shadows said, sounding a little husky.

Sara twirled around just as she saw Carson stepping out into the light that came from her house.

"Carson!" she exclaimed in surprise, "What are you doing here?"

He stepped closer to her while she walked off the porch and up to him. They only had eyes for each other, the world around them fading away again, as tended to happen when they fully focused on each other.

"I came to see you, talk to you about my visit to Union City, and when I came here you were in such a serious conversation, I wanted to come back later. But then I heard my name and I just couldn't walk away, so I eavesdropped…"

"What… what did you hear?"

"Enough to hear you say you love me and you don't want to fight that anymore," he said, as they closed the gap and he gently took her hands.

"Oh," Sara said, holding his gaze, happy at feeling her hands in his.

"I love you too, you know," he said gently, "so very much. And I'm sick of fighting it as well..."

"You are?"

"Yes, I am," he said, now bending forward and leaning his forehead against hers.

Sara sighed and felt the tears prickling behind her eyes.

"I thought I was losing you to Isaac…" he said softly.

"You weren't, you never lost me..."

Carson sighed and Sara suddenly lifted her head from his and took a step back, without releasing his hands.

"Wait, why did you come here tonight?" she asked.

"To let you know that, if you want, you can start as a midwife at the clinic in Union City on a trial basis."

"What?"

"All I want is for you to be happy and I have seen you with Grazzinis and Rachel was telling me how you'd be happiest working as a midwife in a town that also has a Jewish community, so I went to Union City to pull some strings."

"You want me to leave?"

"Dear God, no, I don't! I just thought it would make you happy and… and.."

"And what?"

"Well, if you're in Union City, you and Isaac could maybe… if that makes you happy…"

"You want me to be with Isaac?"

"No, I don't, but I do want to see you happy, and if that is with him..."

"It isn't. I never loved Isaac, you know, never have, not even a passing infatuation."

"No?" he asked.

"No," she said and stepped in closer to Carson again.

"Can we really make this work?" he asked.

"I think we should try."

"Yes…" Carson said hoarsely, "please tell me once more..." and he was not able to say anything after that, but Sara understood his question.

"I love you, Carson," she said softly, and he didn't need to hear that again before he pulled her into his arms and kissed her.

The kiss didn't last long as they heard a loud rasping of a voice beside them.

"Excuse me, this is a public street," Leon said and they broke apart, but never let go of each other's hands.

"So, this is what you want?" he then asked Sara. "No disrespect meant to you, Carson, but we had hoped for a Jewish husband…"

"We're not getting married yet, Leon," Sara started.

"Aren't we?" Carson asked, looking at his love again

She looked back up at him, a little startled.

"Don't we need to figure some things out first?"

"Yes, probably," he said and then turned to Leon and Rachel, now standing beside her husband, "but I have every intention of making Sara happy, in the 'and-they-lived-happily-ever-after' kind of way, if possible."

Sara's heart swelled at those words, could they do this?

Rachel spoke what Sara feared.

"Love is beautiful and idealistic, but the real world does not always accommodate that. You are deciding on taking an extremely difficult path. I've rarely, if ever, seen that end well."

"They are not us," Sara said, and she felt Carson squeeze her hand.

Leon and Rachel studied the idealistic couple in front of them.

"At the very least, don't make hasty decisions and commit yourselves to anything until you have figured out how to handle all this. With a heavy heart for what you must both face, I still wish you well."

"You do know that challenges in life can make your life more rewarding because of them?" Sara asked.

"I hope so for the two of you. You have enough to talk about, so we'll just wish you a good night."

* * *

As soon as Leon and Rachel were out of sight, Carson and Sara turned to face each other again. Without another word, Carson cupped her face and kissed her passionately on the lips. Sara responded in kind.

"I've been wanting to do this again for so very long!" Carson finally sighed against her lips.

"Ditto," Sarah whispered.

"We are really going to try this?" he asked incredulously.

"I'm game if you are," Sara smiled.

"Are you sure you want to make your life with a goy?" he asked.

"Are you sure you want to make your life with a Jew?" she asked in return.

"I love you, Sara, so much, we can figure this out, can't we?"

"I so very much hope so."

"Good," Carson smiled and planted another kiss on her lips, "we're finally on the same page. Now let's get inside to talk before we become the talk of the town."

"Luckily this is a quiet, dead-end street," Sara chuckled as they slung their arms around each other and made their way into Sara's living room.


	28. The navigation

Navigating this new situation would be a challenge, he knew that and he didn't care. They would navigate together and they would find a way, somehow.

When Carson had come to tell Sara she could have a life in Union City, to build there with Isaac if she so wished, he would never in a million years have guessed the outcome to be that he hear her confession of love for him. As he had approached in the darkness, he had seen her out on the porch with Leon and Rachel, caught in some sort of serious conversation. He had turned on his heels to leave, not wishing to disturb them, but had then he had heard Rachel say, "So, you are telling us that you are in love with Carson?"

That had stopped him in his tracks, he had edged closer, still in the shadows and had overheard Sara's confession of her love for him. His throat had gone dry, his palms sweaty, his heart racing and so, in a state of turmoil, he had stepped out of the shadows. She loved him and he loved her and they were not going to fight it anymore.

After Leon and Rachel left, they went inside the house. As soon as the door closed behind him, she turned to face him and he pulled her into his arms. Yes, they had kissed in the street but in the privacy of her home, he could kiss her more thoroughly and she gloriously let him and, even more gloriously, reciprocated his fervour.

Sara was the first to recover her senses and, after quite a while, slowly pushed herself out of his arms.

"The kids are sleeping upstairs, we should…"

Carson grinned at her and nodded, "We should."

"Can I offer you something to drink?" she asked.

"Yes, a glass of water," he said with a smile, "my mouth has become a little dry from overwork." Sara chuckled.

He followed her into the kitchen, drew her to him from behind and placed a kiss on her head, before he released her again and let her get the two glasses of water.

She took his hand and they walked to the living room, sitting down on the sofa together. They sipped their water and then Sara settled into his arms.

He buried his nose in her hair and whispered, "I love your hair, Sara. I think it's the first beautiful thing I noticed about you. I love the braid you always wear and the way it looks like there's a little gold shimmer in your brown hair."

"Really?" she asked incredulously, turning a bit in his arms so that she could look up at him. "You like my hair?"

"I do," he said and kissed her forehead.

She chuckled. "Well, if we're being sappy here, the first thing I noticed about you were your friendly blue eyes and the smile crinkles next to them."

"Really, you think I have friendly eyes?"

"Yes. And don't tell me that I'm the first person to tell you that."

This time he chuckled and pulled her a little more tightly against him.

"No, you're not," he admitted, "but you are my favourite person to tell me that."

Sara picked up one of his hands that were folded around her and kissed it.

"I never dreamed my evening would end like this, with you in my arms," Carson then softly said.

"Me neither," Sara admitted, "I wasn't even considering confessing my love for you to my brother, and least of all, expecting you to overhear that."

"And yet, here we are."

"Here we are."

"In love, not hiding it anymore, on your couch."

"We're really going to do this?" she asked.

"Are you reconsidering?" he asked, an icy hand starting to grip his heart at just the thought. He could never let her go again, not after tonight!

"No, I'm not," she said, and he let out the breath he was holding, his heart relaxing and warming up again. "I just don't know what to do next."

She turned in his arms and looked up at him. Oh goodness, how could he even have resisted this woman for this long? He bent over and kissed her deeply all over again. He wanted her to be his, all his, completely, irrevocably and yes, the thought crossed his mind as he was kissing her, he wanted her in his bed too.

"You'll just have to marry me," he said huskily, breaking away from her mouth reluctantly.

She chuckled, "I think it's a little soon for that."

"We could elope right now and be married by morning," he whispered, nibbling her ear.

"Carson, be serious," she grinned.

He pulled away to look at her. "You know, I think I half am," he said.

"We can't elope! How do you know that you want to marry me before we have even tested our relationship out there in the world?"

"The world can hang itself, Sara."

Sara sat up straight, scooted away to give them some space and looked at him.

"What are you saying here?"

"That I am head over heels in love with you. I think I have been since the day I met you, when you woke up after you fainted and punched me in the face. It just took me a while to admit it and I don't care anymore what the world thinks."

Sara smiled, "I knew I liked you the moment I opened my eyes to you in the bed that was Faith's at the time. Those kind eyes with the crinkles did it, but you are a doctor and I really didn't want to like a doctor."

Carson grinned and scooted over to her. He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her lips. It felt so good being able to just do that. He pulled back and looked at her.

"We'll figure this out," he said gently.

Sara smiled, "Yes, we will. And we need to start to think about what we'll say tomorrow."

He sat back and studied her.

"I'm not sure I want to say anything tomorrow. I just want to walk down the street with you and kiss you," he grinned.

"I was told by Ingrid that that was how you announced your relationship with Faith at the time."

"Was it?" he looked a little confused, "Oh yes, it was," he then added, suddenly remembering.

"It doesn't feel like a good omen to me if you do that again," Sara smiled and then she became serious, frowning as she looked at him.

"What is it, Sara?" he asked.

"Well, at the time when you kissed Faith in the street, you were sure about her, weren't you? But it didn't last between you two. What makes you so sure about me? How do I know that we will last?"

"This is different," Carson said, taking her hand.

"How?"

"I never loved her like I love you. She's more like the little sister I never had."

"Yes, you say that now, but at the time you didn't feel that way, did you?"

"I think at the time I wanted to be in love again. I had turned my life around and felt ready to share it with someone. Faith and I really liked each other, she is easy on the eyes and smart, she reminded me of my wife a little after I first knew her. It just took me a while to understand that I didn't want to replicate my wife and being apart from Faith made me realize I didn't love her as a husband would a wife. I liked her, I still do, but not as a lover and husband."

Sara studied him in silence for a while and he didn't like it.

"What are you thinking, my love?" he asked a little impatiently.

Sara smiled at the endearment. "My love, I like that."

"Me too," he said and took her hands and pressed them to his lips for a kiss.

"Carson…"

"Don't pull back," he said, afraid of what he saw in her eyes.

"No, listen to me. What you and I have here, it seems so special!"

"It is!"

"But before we turn our lives upside down, before we turn this whole town upside down, we need to be sure."

"I am sure."

"You say that now, but maybe we think we are because we have been fighting it? We are euphoric now, but what when that euphoria dies down, will we still feel the same?"

"We will," Carson said with certainty.

"How do you know now, better than you did then with Faith?"

"Faith and I were in a relationship but the thought of wanting to marry her was still far from my mind. However, the thought of wanting to marry you is very much IN my mind. That is a huge difference."

Sara considered that for a while, then scooted over to Carson, took his face in her hands and kissed him. He liked that, so very much.

She then sat back again. "Alright, I have a plan and you will have to bear with me, Carson."

He sighed, a little impatiently. "I'll try…"

"First off, I love you, with all my heart."

"And I love you."

"But you are Christian and I am Jewish, you are a doctor and I am, what your colleagues will consider, a silly midwife."

Carson wanted to protest that last statement, but Sara placed a finger on his lips to silence him. Even that little touch felt good.

"Hear me out," she continued, and he nodded reluctantly.

"Let's keep this relationship all to ourselves for now. We get to know each other and each other's dreams for the future better and I will look for a replacement at the library for a while…"

"No, you're not leaving," Carson protested but Sara silenced him by going on, undeterred.

"There will be a replacement. Young Laura has been helping out and I think Ingrid will be willing to step in part time, she's already been filling in for me some, and then I will leave for a little while. I'll go to Edmonton or I'll go back to New York for a few weeks, just anywhere where we will not easily be able to see each other. We will test our bond long distance, just like it happened with you and Faith. We'll still be a couple, but we'll just not physically be together for a while. The separation will give us time to think and consider if we really want to uproot our lives so, if we really and seriously want to move forward with this. If, after all that, we still choose this, then we will go for it, we will fight for it and damn the whole world if anyone tries to stop us."

"I'd rather damn the world right now," Carson said, frowning.

"But Carson, I want us to be sure."

"I am sure."

"But I am not."

"You are not sure of how you feel about me?"

"No. I mean, yes, but no, I am not sure if we are strong enough to actually do this. I'm not sure if you really understand what you are getting yourself into. There are more Rogers in this world than you think."

"If we really want to test that, then what we need to do is be open about our relationship to everyone, all the Rogers be damned."

"And you will hurt your reputation through it, it could ruin your life just after you have worked so hard at building it up again. I need to know that you feel I am worth all that trouble."

"I know that you are worth all that!"

"I'm afraid, Carson, I'm afraid you'll have regrets and you'll want an out and I don't think I could bear it if I saw you every day and found out that I am losing you bit by bit."

"I won't want an out, I promise. You won't lose me bit by bit."

"How do you know for sure? How can you know that your love for me is that strong?"

"Let me show you, let me prove it to you!"

"How?"

He was stumped for an answer to that and he studied her frenzied eyes. He sighed. Did she have a point? Would long distance give them time to think and consider, just like it had given him time to consider with Faith? Maybe it would.

"You need us to be apart to know for sure how strong our bond really is?" he then asked, "Haven't we been apart enough?"

"So much has happened with us and our journey is a difficult one, I need to be sure of you and of myself, before we take this any further. Yes, I love you, but Rachel said it, not many people like us make it in the real world. Love is a beautiful thing, but we also need to deal with reality, and I don't want any regrets spoiling our fight."

"I'm not sure I can let you go, now that I finally have you," he said, pulling her into his arms again and covering her mouth and cheeks and then forehead with kisses before letting her go again.

"We can call each other and write each other, just as you did with Faith. We'll be a couple, just physically apart. We'll have some time to think and process and prepare for the opposition we will be sure to get once the whole world knows about us."

They gazed at each other, their minds churning all the while.

"Alright, fine," Carson finally said. "You go wherever you need to go and once you get back, I am never letting you out of my sight again."

"I can live with that," she smiled and then lunged into his arms, kissing him hungrily.

If only they were already married, he found himself thinking, this would end with her in his bed and there would be very little sleep that night. Alas, such a night would have to wait and to not torture himself any longer, he parted from her a little while later.


	29. The separation

So, here she was in New York, dreaming of Carson. After that glorious evening with Carson she had told Leon and Rachel the next day, just before they left, about her plans for a separation to calmly think things through. Leon and Rachel thought that very wise, no doubt also secretly planning to talk her out of this fascination with Carson. To Lucas and in town she told everyone that her family needed her in New York for a little while but that she would be back. Ingrid and Laura would take over the library, aided by Elizabeth, until she came back.

Ingrid was the only one to hear the truth about why Sara was going away for a while.

"Keep an eye on him while I'm gone?" she had asked Ingrid.

"I will. And I am proud of you for choosing your heart," Ingrid had said, "although I'm not sure I can fully understand why this separation is necessary."

During the few days that she had still been in Hope Valley, she had started to doubt it too.

She and Carson couldn't see each other openly. The morning after their frenzied kissing session on her couch, she had visited him at the infirmary before the library opened. Diana hadn't been in yet, and Carson had locked the door so that they could kiss in peace for a few minutes and be sure they would not be disturbed. She had left the infirmary just as Diana was coming in, a lucky escape.

He had come to the library to return a book and while borrowing a new one their hands had brushed each other and lingered before they parted again.

At the end of the afternoon Sara had gone to check on the twins and Carson had been there are as well. The twins were doing well and didn't need to be monitored quite as closely anymore but leaning over the babies together, they were able to touch each other's hands as well. When they had left the house, they had walked and talked in the street, like they had done before, and then had been able to make their way to the church, behind which they could stop and secretly kiss each other.

This went on for three days, on the fourth Sara would be leaving. In the dark of night, he came to see her at her house the night before she left to properly say goodbye. They had kissed on the couch again, with far less words spoken this time around. The past few days had been all about making up for the time they would lose not being together.

At the door, right before Carson had finally left again, he had said, "Are we really going to do this?"

Her hair had been all dishevelled when he had asked her that and he had added, "You look adorable all messed up like that, I don't think I can let you go." And he had pulled her back into his arms again for more kisses.

"I'll be back, Carson, one way or the other," she had said.

"The other way won't happen, there is only one way for us," he had whispered and then had abruptly let her go and virtually flown out the door.

At the stagecoach the next day, Ingrid had been there to hug her goodbye and Lucas had come to do the same. Carson wasn't there at first but, after everyone had boarded, she really needed to board as well, and then she saw him come running to the stagecoach from the infirmary after all.

"I'm sorry, I forgot you were leaving," he had lied for the benefit of others standing around. He had then pulled her in a tight embrace and had whispered in her ear, "I wanted to be the last one to hug you. Come back to me."

Tears had sprung into her eyes as she disentangled herself from him. He gave her a hand to help her into the coach and she had slipped him a little note that had said:

_Dearest Carson, I love you and I'll miss you. Sara_

* * *

The journey back to New York had taken a few days and it was only after she arrived in New York that she was able to call him. He had had a telephone installed at the infirmary but as she called him while Diana was still in, they hadn't been able to talk freely. Sara was dependent on post office opening hours to call him, so that made it all a little difficult. Writing each other too frequently was also out of the question so as not to raise suspicion. So, it would be a letter a week and calling each other was reserved for Saturday afternoons when the infirmary was closed and the post office open. What it all boiled down to was that she missed him, she missed him terribly.

The kids enjoyed having their aunt back in New York and, as expected, Leon and Rachel did try to talk this relationship with Carson out of her head, but that didn't work. To occupy herself, Sara went back to being a midwife, as the news spread that she was at home again. She found she liked doing her old job again, but she also missed doing it without Carson around to talk things over with. When had she become so dependent on him for her happiness? That wasn't healthy, was it?

A letter from Ingrid told her that Carson was not himself either and people in town were starting to notice, wondering what was ailing him.

After four weeks in New York, during a Saturday afternoon phone call, Carson finally asked Sara, "When are you coming home again?"

"I don't know yet, I think we need a bit more time…"

"Why? Are they getting to you, convincing you to not come back to me?"

"No," she laughed, "although they do try."

"Can't we stop this nonsense?" he asked.

"Wasn't Faith gone for something like three months?" she asked.

"Is that how long you plan on staying away, three months just because Faith did?"

"I don't know… maybe… I'm making some good money now here as a midwife, it can help us save up a little for…"

"Don't build your life there, Sara, come home and build it here."

"I will."

"When?"

"What's the rush? Are you afraid your affection will cool if I stay away longer?"

She was only half serious when she said that. She knew she longed for Carson but was he longing for her the same way? He said he was, but she was afraid that, as had happened with Faith, somewhere deep down his ardour was lessening.

"Woman, you are twisting things around and making things difficult where they needn't be difficult!" he said.

"I will come home, Carson, please give me a little time," she answered, hoping dearly that by the time she did get back, he would still want to be with her.

"Alright," he sighed. "Just don't wait too long because I miss you."

"I won't and I miss you too," and they had rung off.

So, was he desperate because he really did want to see her or was he fighting off cooling affections? She just couldn't be sure. The only way she would feel assured would be if she saw him without him expecting her. Maybe the month away had been long enough, maybe she should just go back and see him? Yes, she should return, she figured, and she would surprise him. Was she silly testing him even more by not telling him when she was coming? Was she cruel? The stakes for her felt so high, she just needed to be sure, completely sure of him.

She stayed in New York for another two weeks, with Carson becoming more impatient with her on the phone. She then told Leon and Rachel she was going back to Hope Valley.

"Are you sure?" Rachel asked.

"Yes. I have had time to reflect and I have come to the conclusion that I really want to make a go of it with Carson, if he really still wants to be with me too. I'm going back, I want to surprise him so please don't tell Carson that I've gone when he calls."

"You are giving him a final test?" Leon asked. "Why is that necessary if you are so sure? Maybe you're not as sure as you think you are."

"I am sure, I just need to know that he is too."

"And what if he isn't?" Rachel asked.

"Then my heart will be broken, and we'll see what happens after that."


	30. The desperation

When Sara didn't call him on the Saturday, Carson called the switchboard he usually called in New York and asked to leave a message for Sara Kaminsky. A message was returned to him from the Kaminskys a few hours later, saying that Sara was unavailable for the time being.

Unavailable? What did that mean? Was she pulling away from him? That could not be! They called each other every week, why would she not be able to talk to him now? He could not lose her, he loved this woman! He knew there would be challenges ahead, but he didn't care. What had Lee Coulter once told him about Rosemary? That she was worth any hassle? He completely understood Lee's comment, Sara was worth any hassle to Carson. So, if he meant it that he couldn't lose this woman, he needed to act.

He called Union City clinic and asked if they could send out a nurse or doctor in case of an emergency at Hope Valley, just like in the old days before he had come to town. He gave Diana instructions to hold the fort and answer the phone and he took the stagecoach to Union City the next day. He told the town he needed to leave for a certain business matter but didn't elaborate on it. What he was really doing was going to New York and getting Sara back, he was desperate to be with her.

A train to Edmonton would depart the morning after his arrival in Union City and he would take the night train to Hamilton after that, and from there a train to New York. In three and a half days he would show up on the Kaminsky doorstep. He'd make a fool of himself if he had to, but he needed to get her back. It was time for them to start their lives together and he wanted that time to start as soon as possible. If he came for her, there would be no doubt in her mind that they were meant to be together, right?

He was impatient to move on from Union City but would have to pass the afternoon and evening there before the train would depart the next morning, He restlessly walked through town, had dinner there and found a bed for the night in which he slept restlessly.

The next morning he was up early. The train wouldn't depart until 9 am, that left him with another 45 minutes after breakfast. The general store was opening and he went there to place some orders for supplies he would pick up when he got back.

As he left the shop, he bumped into someone and when he looked up, he was surprised to find it was Isaac Greenberg.

"Carson Shepherd?" Isaac said in surprise, "Well, hello! What are you doing here so early in the morning?"

"Good morning, Isaac. I came in yesterday, I'll be travelling on to Edmonton today. I have… some business to attend to."

"Oh, right, I hope it goes well."

"Thank you. I'll need to get on, the train will be leaving in about 15 minutes."

"So, you left things well with Sara?" Isaac asked.

"Pardon?" Carson asked, surprised at the mention of Sara's name.

"When Sara left here she said she needed to speak with you."

"When she left here? When did she leave here?"

Isaac looked at Carson with a knotted brow. "Well, yesterday, of course. Didn't you see her in Hope Valley?"

"I… erm... must have missed her. So, she was staying with you?"

"Yes, she was."

Carson's heart plummeted. Sara had stayed with Isaac? Why hadn't she told him she was coming back to Hope Valley and why had she stayed at Isaac's?

"And she's in Hope Valley now?"

"You haven't seen her then?" Isaac asked.

"No, but I will," Carson said, still feeling confused.

"Well, I need to go, I have an appointment, but it was nice seeing you."

"And you."

Sara was not in New York anymore? She had been unavailable because she was visiting Isaac? What did this mean? Carson picked up his bag from the porter at the train station and walked to the stagecoach stop instead. With Sara in Hope Valley, there was no point anymore taking the train to Edmonton. He had to go see her and find out what was happening, he was at a loss to understand and dreaded to find out.

* * *

Three hours later her arrived in Hope Valley with the stagecoach. He alighted and looked around. Where would he find Sara? At the library? At home? At Ingrid's?

He dropped his bag at the infirmary, to the utter surprise of Diana.

"What are you doing back so soon?" she asked. 'What happened to the business you needed to attend to?"

"I can attend to it from here after all," he said.

"Oh, guess who's back in town?" Diana asked. Carson just looked at her. "Sara Kaminsky! She arrived yesterday, just after you left."

"Do you know where she is?" he asked as casually as he could muster.

"I saw her riding out this morning, I don't know if she's back yet."

"Alright, thanks," he said. "Please excuse me for now. I'll be back at work tomorrow."

He stepped out into the street, feeling a little desperate, he needed to find her! He headed to the stable, he would borrow a horse and go looking for her, at Ingrid's to start with. He didn't need to look far, however.

As he neared the stable, he saw a familiar form emerge from it. Sara. She must have spotted him at that same moment and she stopped in her tracks, just looking at him. He couldn't quite make out the details of her face from that distance, but she was beautiful, even from afar and his heart beat wildly in his chest. After one and a half months apart, despite weekly contact and letters, he wasn't sure what to expect, especially in light of the fact that she had been 'unavailable' and had just recently been with Isaac. He dreaded and couldn't wait to speak to her in equal measure.

She stepped forward slowly, as did he, their eyes fixed on each other as they drew nearer together. When they got close, her eyes were open wide, scanning intently. She seemed so unguarded in her curiosity and it disarmed him. All he wanted to do was hold her.

"You're here," was all he was able to say when they stopped near each other.

"You weren't," she said, a little shakily.

"I was on my way to New York to get you," he said.

Her eyebrows shot up in surprise, "Really?"

"Yes. But then this morning, I bumped into Isaac in Union City and he told me you were here," Carson said, frowning.

"You are angry?" Sara asked.

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming home? When I left a message for you and the message came back that you were unavailable, I was… confused."

"And so you went to get me?"

"I did."

"And I came home to surprise you."

"To surprise me?" he asked. That scenario had never occurred to him.

Sara nodded and she started slowly smiling, "And you still…?" He knew what she was asking.

"I do. And you?"

"I do too," she smiled even more widely.

Carson couldn't contain himself any longer, public place or not be damned. He exhaled the large breath he had been holding and he gathered her to him in an embrace, a long and tight embrace. He felt her relax against him and her arms travel around his waist as she hugged him back. He kissed the top of her head and when she looked up at him, tears shimmering in her eyes, he bent forward and kissed away the one tear he saw drop. He then kissed her on the mouth, slowly, languidly, deeply. The joy he felt at finally doing this threatened to overpower him but holding her helped him to remain standing. Here she was, in his arms and they were kissing each other!

He then lifted his lips from hers and looked deeply into her eyes.

"We're really finally doing this now?" he asked her softly.

She smiled at him and nodded. "World be damned," she said.

"World be damned," he grinned and kissed her again.


	31. The beginning

Nothing could spoil the joy of being back in Carson's arms again and feeling his lips on hers again, not even the stable hand who said, "Excuse me Miss Kaminsky, Dr Shepherd, I think that throat check better be done inside somewhere."

They broke apart and looked around and saw that people had stopped in the street to look at them. Carson grabbed her hand and pulled her along with him to the infirmary.

"I'm so sorry for the spectacle, please excuse me," he said as they rushed along. Sara had no words.

Once inside the infirmary, Diana looked up in surprise.

"You seem to be cutting everything short, Carson, back already? Oh, hi, Sara."

"Hi," Sara smiled.

"You both look a little flushed."

Carson looked at Sara. "I finally made her blush," he grinned.

Sara swatted his arm with her free hand as her other hand was still held in Carson's. It was then that Diana noticed the air of intimacy they emanated, and she looked questioningly from one to the other.

"Diana, I think Carson and I have just started some gossip, I hope they won't hound you too much with questions," Sara began.

"Sara and I are together," Carson picked up where Sara left off, "We have just kissed in the street, which I guess caused a bit of a spectacle."

"Well, it looks like it's getting dangerous to meet you in the street, Carson! Didn't you once also kiss Faith in the street?"

"That I did," Carson said, a little embarrassed, "But I promise that from now on, if I kiss anyone in the street again, it will only be Sara."

"So, you two are a couple now?"

"Yes," Sara said.

"Well, congratulations then. It just seems so… out of the blue!"

"It's been a long time coming," Carson said, "and it's the right thing for us."

"We all always thought you two were good friends but with Sara being Jewish…"

"We'll figure that out, don't you worry about it, Diana," he said. "Sara and I need to talk for a few moments in private, so we'll be out in the backyard. Could you make sure we aren't disturbed?"

"Alright."

Once in the backyard, the happy couple flew into each other's arms again, with Carson yet again pushing Sara against the building so they would be out of view, just like he had done so many months before. They kissed with abandonment and then gently pulled away from each other again.

"Don't ever leave me again, Sara," Carson said.

"I'll try not to."

"I love you."

"I can see that our separation hasn't lessened your ardour," she smiled, "and I love you too."

"For a moment there I thought I was losing you."

"Why would you think that?"

"Well you were unavailable and when I ran into Isaac and he said you had stayed with him, I thought…"

"Shush, I told you I was never interested in Isaac that way," Sara said and reached up and kissed his lips.

"Why wouldn't you tell me you were coming home?" he asked when they drew apart again.

"I wanted to make sure you weren't pulling away from me like you had from Faith. I thought that if I could surprise you, then I would know once and for all…"

"Now you shush. Didn't I tell you on the phone how much I missed you and longed for you back?"

"I know, but I wasn't sure if it was just words, I needed to see your reaction for myself."

"One last test, eh?"

"Yes... I'm so sorry, Carson. I don't mean to play games, but it is so important to me that we get this right."

He gently stroked her cheek and she leaned into his touch.

"So, was I the right amount of happy to see you?"

"Yes," she sighed, "even more than I dared dream. When I arrived yesterday and they told me you had gone, I thought maybe you were having second thoughts. You were away on business, they said, and you had not told me about such a trip and I started wondering. And then just now, at the stables happened...

Carson smiled, "Yes, that was quite good, wasn't it?"

"Yes," Sara smiled, and they kissed again.

"What do we do now?" Sara then asked, as they broke apart.

"I don't know, I hadn't actually thought beyond trying to get you back into my arms again. But I think this, here, is a great beginning…"

She settled into his arms and he rested his cheek on her head.

"Not everyone is going to appreciate your choice to be with me," she said.

"Well, it's not about what everyone else wants, it's about what my heart tells me and my heart tells me it needs to be with you, that it will be safe with you and that I want to do everything in my power to make you feel safe with me."

"I know we talked about this on the telephone, but I will never change my faith for you," she said.

"I know and I am truly fine with that now. And I love that you don't expect me to change for you either."

She stepped back and looked up at him.

"So, we'll continue as we have done before?"

"Yes. We'll do Shabbat and Havdalah and maybe you can join us on church picnics."

Sara smiled, "I can do that. And an occasional church service as well as long as you don't expect me to go up for that Eucharist thing."

Carson laughed, "You really didn't like that, did you?"

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to belittle anything…"

"That's alright, my love," he smiled and placed a little kiss on her nose. "Now, shall we start by trying to brave the world and go out for a lunch at Abigail's?"

"Watch out world, here we come," Sara smiled.

"The beginning of turning the world upside down," Carson grinned, and placed a short kiss on her lips before pulling her with him to face said world.


	32. The epilogue

Summer was coming to Hope Valley and the June church picnic had been a resounding success. The cookies and pies Sara had brought were very popular. While Sara very rarely came to church, she did join Carson for every church picnic and at church they had become more accepting of her difference. She also continued the Shabbat dinners and on occasion someone new, often from church, would come and take a look and see for themselves that her faith wasn't so scary.

Not everyone in town had been welcoming of Carson and Sara as a couple. Carson even lost a few patients because of it who chose to go to Union City for their check-ups instead. Some people were friendly enough from a distance but avoided them and Roger Wells continued to be one of the most vocal critics. However, people did get used to her being different and being with Carson. They accepted her and them so much so that, on occasion, she was called to help with a birth, or a young mother and it was most enjoyable if she could do that with Carson by her side. People got used to seeing Carson and Sara as a couple and as a couple they continued to be open and friendly to everyone. The biggest surprise ebbed away soon enough, the questions about conversion ebbed away and the greatest animosity was mostly silent. In the end, many people turned out to be very welcoming and friendly and Sara came to feel that she was home at last. Hope Valley had lived up to its name for her. She had come here, hoping for a better life and, despite some difficulties and challenges, it had given her more than she had ever dared dream of.

Navigating Sara's family had been just as challenging. For Hanukkah, the Kaminskys had returned to Union City and had stayed with the Greenbergs, where Sara and Carson had joined them as well for the last few days of festivities. The whole experience had been new and somewhat alien to Carson, and it became clear to him how very different this life was from his Christian life. But he held through, with Sara by his side, and over time it became obvious that he was there to stay. An acceptance then occurred, and a respect for Carson, and Sara was sure that in time they would come to love him as well, it seemed inevitable to her.

After that June church picnic, Carson and Sara dropped off the leftover dishes at Sara's house, and they went out to take their weekly Sunday stroll. Once clear of the town, they went from the more formal arm-in-arm to walking hand-in-hand. By holding hands, they could feel each other's skin, which made them feel even closer to each other.

"We've come a long way," Carson eventually said.

Sara laughed, "We're not that far off from my house."

Carson grinned, "I didn't mean that. I meant that we've come a long way since we met. As people and in our relationship."

"Yes," Sara smiled, "it's been well over a year since we met and yet so much has happened!"

"That it has," Carson smiled and brought her hand that he was holding to his lips. "But we're in a great place now, don't you think?"

"Yes, I do," Sara smiled up at him and he smiled down at her.

"Keep practicing those words, then," he said seriously as he stopped, and she stopped with him.

Sara looked a little confused. "Pardon?" she asked.

Carson, now fully facing her, took both her hands in his. He rested his forehead against hers and he whispered, "Marry me?"

Her eyes flew open in surprise and she broke contact to look him properly in the eye. Was he really asking her that?

"We've only been together as a couple for, what, eight months? Isn't it a little soon?" she asked softly, studying his eyes.

"I don't think so," he said, openly returning her gaze.

"But, don't we have a lot to still figure out?"

"Like what? I think we've figured out the most important things already… You've done Christmas with me and the church, I've done Hanukkah with you, your family and the Greenbergs. We've done Easter and Pesach. We've talked about raising children in both faiths and letting them decide what they want to be for themselves when they get older. We are at home here in Hope Valley and we're dealing alright with any negative reactions in town, aren't we?"

"Yes, I suppose so. But what if your family doesn't approve. They've never met me."

"They will approve and if not instantly, they will in time. Your family and the Greenbergs were hesitant at first and that hasn't stopped us. They like me well enough now, my family will grow to like you too. My family's reaction will not break us, just like nothing else has broken us. As long as you and I keep talking about everything, like we do now, and we continue being open and honest with each other, we will be fine. More than fine, don't you think?

Sara smiled, "You're right, I do think that."

"So, marry me?" he asked, sincerely searching her eyes.

"You don't really need to ask that, you know we are headed that way already…"

"Humour me while I formally ask you. Will you marry me, Sara?"

Sara paused a moment, studying Carson intently.

"You're making me nervous," he said.

"Well, you want me to make a well-considered decision, don't you?"

"I do. But you already say we're headed that way, so the answer can't be no… and yet, you look at me like that… Do you think we're rushing it? Because I don't think so… I love you with all my being and I just know that we are meant to be together, so why wait any longer? I think we're experienced enough in life to know when…"

But Carson couldn't finish his sentence as Sara started grinning and threw her arms around his neck.

"Of course I'll marry you, you silly sod," she said into his ear. His arms immediately circled her waist and he pulled her towards him so that he could hold her very close.

"Thank goodness," he murmured into her hair. "For a moment there…"

He could speak no more as Sara leaned back and planted a kiss on his lips. He responded eagerly in kind.

When they finally parted, she laughed, "Thank goodness we're not in the street but in countryside or else we'd be inviting more scandal!"

"You and I, we can deal with anything. And I once promised I'd kiss you in the street again, so don't think I won't in the future!" and he placed another kiss on her nose.

As they stepped out of their embrace, Sara said, "So, I guess we're officially engaged now?"

"I guess so, my love," Carson grinned.

She wanted to start walking again but was interrupted in her attempt to do so.

"But first, I hope you might like this," Carson said.

From his vest pocket Carson produced a simple silver ring set with a small blue sapphire. Sara's eyes grew wide in surprise.

"You certainly came prepared, didn't you?" she said in amazement.

"I've been carrying this around with me for a few weeks now, waiting for the right moment."

"You know you didn't have to… we should save our money for our future together…"

"I wanted to. Please accept this from me?"

"It's absolutely beautiful, Carson," she smiled as he slipped the ring on her finger.

"It fits," he grinned.

"You know, what?" Sara said, studying the ring and then looking up adoringly into Carson's eyes, "This ring has the same colour as your eyes! I will cherish it forever, especially considering I first fell in love with your eyes…"

Carson gathered her to him again and crushed his lips against hers.

"I love you with all that I am, Sara Kaminsky. I will do everything in my power to make you happy," he sighed against her.

"And I want the same for you, Carson Shepherd. You've already made me the happiest woman alive, I just hope I can return the favour and make you happy forever..." Sara answered soflty.

"Don't you worry about that, my love. You have already been making me so happy and today even more so. We'll continue being wonderful together."

"Yes, I think we really will, my darling," Sara smlied and they kissed again.

They then turned to walk on together, Carson's arm draped around her shoulders and her arm resting around his waist. This closeness was even better than hand holding.

"Where will we live after we marry?" Sara asked.

"My flat is a bit small, I thought maybe we could start out…"

"… in my house?" Sara finished the sentence.

"Would that be alright?"

"It would be alright, yes, but you'd have to sleep on a mattress on the floor beside me…"

Carson laughed, "A new bed for two will be purchased post-haste, Miss Kaminsky!" He placed a kiss on her head and added softly, "I want to be as close as possible to you as soon as we're married."

Sara grinned, "Thank goodness. And when will we be married?"

"I don't want a long engagement, Sara."

"So, basically as soon as that bed for two has been purchased?"

Carson threw his head back and laughed. "That's as good a timeline as any!"

Sara became serious. "Carson…" she said and then paused.

"Yes?" he gently urged.

"Well, we've never spoken of this before, but I think you should know…"

"Know what?"

She stopped, loosened her hold on him and turned to look up at him.

"You've been married before and you've probably enjoyed a reasonable amount of… marital relations."

"Don't worry, Sara. I know you must be a little… anxious, but I will be ever so gentle, and it will be beautiful between us, you'll see… We won't do anything that you…"

"No, let me finish, Carson. You have been married but I have not…"

"I know."

"No, listen… I just want to tell you that… I am not… inexperienced."

He looked at her in surprise and she quickly continued.

"Gabriel and I were to be married three weeks after he… died, and we were so young and curious, we just… did it, not long before he passed. Twice. I was careful, you know, within my cycle, but we both said that if I should unexpectedly fall pregnant, then it would be alright because we'd be married…"

"Oh…"

"So, I'm not… pure… for you, Carson. I haven't been with anyone since and it happened ten years ago… but I just wanted to be honest."

Carson pulled her to him again as they walked on.

"This is why you and I will be alright together, we can be honest with each other."

Sara still felt a little anxious, "So, you're not disappointed in me?"

"No. It's a natural and beautiful thing to happen between two people who are in love with each other."

"That it is."

He smiled and placed another kiss on her head.

"It is all good, my love, and it doesn't make a difference to me, we all have a past. I have you now and won't let you go. Maybe it will even make it a little easier, if you know what to expect… and I am looking forward to experiencing that with you," he said softly.

Sara turned her head upwards and placed a kiss on his cheek.

"I don't regret that experience, especially not in hindsight," she then said, "I am glad Gabriel and I were able to… enjoy each other. At least he got to experience that secret of life before he was gone."

"There's no need for regrets, Sara."

"Thank you."

"I hope…" he began.

"Yes?"

"Well, I hope the memory of it is pleasant enough for you to not be anxious about you and me…"

"The first time was not a complete pleasure, so we tried a second time and that was... that memory makes me look forward to being so close to you," Sara said, a blush creeping over her cheeks.

Carson chuckled, "I can still make you blush. Well, wait till we have that bed, I'll make you blush even more…"

Sara laughed and then became serious again.

"How long ago since you were last with a woman?" she then carefully asked.

"My wife was the last one," he answered.

"No… saloon girls in the meantime…?"

"No. The act of loving between a man and a woman is sacred to me and I could only do it with the woman I marry."

"Good," she smiled.

"Good," he grinned down at her.

They walked on in a happy silence for a little while until Sara broke it again.

"So, how long does it take to order a bed and have it delivered?" she asked.

Carson laughed. "How about we say a month?"

"Let's make it four and give family a little time to get used to the idea and make arrangements to attend if they so wish?"

"I think two months would be better."

"How about three, then?"

"Get married in September?"

"Yes. The weather should still be good then and we could do it outside and maybe, besides the pastor, we could arrange for a rabbi to come as well."

"I'd like that."

"And I like you."

He picked her up and twirled her around.

"We're getting married!" he grinned, a little out of breath from exertion and emotion as he put her down again.

"We're getting married!" she laughed in return.

Then, hand-in-hand and very happily, they made their way back into town.

The future would always have its challenges, but as long as they could face them together, they knew in their hearts that they would be alright.

THE END


End file.
